Yoga (or anyone) What do you think ?

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Registered: 07-27-2003
Yoga (or anyone) What do you think ?
8
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 11:40am
paranoid...so deleted post


Edited 12/20/2003 1:41:17 PM ET by charlotte1203

 

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 12:42pm
I'm not Yoga, but it might have been my post you were referring to, the one you just read. I posted something like that earlier today.

My first thought was, maybe he is backing off from you because he is afraid to push YOU, based on what you said to him during that time. Maybe he's afraid that if he steps over the line that he think you need to have in place, that he will lose you. Maybe he thought you were trying to tell him that you could no longer continue to proceed with him at this level of emotional intimacy.

He may just be compartmentalizing/trying to keep his feelings for you in check, but the timeliness of this change in relation to your comments to him about this being only an A, makes me think maybe that's not it.

I think that men tend to run away emotionally if they feel pushed, pressured, or overly pursued (this is a generality; please don't flame me). I think that if you were to have told him that you wanted to drop everything and be with him forever (rather than that this is just an A and your family comes first), that might have been enough to jolt him out of the passionate high that is SO nice to see in men, and pull away and return to reality a little. But he perceives that you told him the opposite.

So bottom line is, although he may very well agree with you that in the long run you can only have an A, not a life together... he may be a little hurt that you pointed it out to him.

If it were me I think I would tell him what you just told us in the last paragraph of your post, and see how he responds. I don't think that would push him away and it might clear a lot of things up.

Avatar for prettyribbons4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 2:52pm
Charlotte, I read alot of your posts and they always remind me of myself and my EMA. I too have been involved with MM for about 6 months. In the beginning, the contact was continuous, all day...every day, we didn't get intimate until we had talked about 2 months. Anyways, we've been through alot since then and have talked about feelings and said the L word...{I've known him 18 yrs., 3rd time I've been in a 'relationship' with him...so,,,it's not really that soon)Anyways, he's said some of the SWEETEST things I've ever heard, we talked about the past, the here and now and the future...but we've hit the biggest brick wall in the last three weeks, and I honestly don't know what to do either. He swears he doesn't want this to end...yet nothing is like it was before, ya know? I have no advice to give....just wanted to let you know I think I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now. If you want to email me ((prettyribbons4u@yahoo.com)) feel free...good luck otherwise, hopefully everything will work out for you!

{{HUGS}}

PR

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Registered: 07-27-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 8:20pm
wwwmommydotcom

Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate your advice ( as I have read a few of your responses to other posts and I think you are right on the mark with the advice and issues you have raised recently -- I hope you are again -- no pressure, of course ;) By the way, I was referring to your post earlier today.

I think I will tell him when the timing is right.



Pretty

I emailed you. Hope we can talk further soon!

Thanks again ladies.


Edited 10/3/2003 8:21:38 PM ET by charlotte1203

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 8:27am
I have no idea why he is pulling away, and it is unlikely that it has anything to do with any remoteness on your part. Here is the ONLY rational thing to do, as far as I am concerned, and you did ask for my opinion! :))))) I would ASK him how he is feeling about your relationship. FLAT OUT ASK HIM. That's all. Just listen to his answer. There is nothing better than a direct question (NOT a leading question, like "Do you want to take things down a notch") and a goooood listen to the answer. Feel free to respond to whatever he says in a truthful, UNSCARED, and HONEST way. But make sure to LISTEN to what he says and then to repeat it back to him before you begin your own response.

Good luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 9:20am
Charlotte,

I have been there and agree with yoga ( I seem to be doing that a lot today ) that you need to talk to him. MM and I went through the exact same thing when chatting on msn one day. Its hard, we set our limits or desires to where we do or do not want the EMA to lead, but one thing that we forget, is that we can not place limits on our feelings, no matter how hard we try to convince ourselves otherwise, it just can't be done.

There have been several times when we have told one another "this is only an EMA, and that we have no intentions of leaving our family" and yet I have seen the look in his eyes, or heard the silence when a topic comes up which reminds us that we don't plan on ever being together, or that our S/O comes first.

Then one day I approached the topic, and the man who stressed a million or more times that this would never lead to a relationship other than an affair, said "never say never". Being the realist and the debator, although I felt bad I felt I needed to make a point that we can't think that way. Well after hours of debating I realized something, he is right, you can never say never. And although our intentions are good so to speak, we just don't know what will happen.

But he did make a point that he wants to believe in us, and that if its meant to be it will be, and asked that I think the same. In one breath we state its just an affair, and yet, damned if either of us want to look at it that way.

The joys of a rollercoaster ride from He!!

Sweettendencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 10:27am
Charotte, I think you've made perfect sense and i think your assumptions are right on the money. I agree that he was a tad hurt by your email and was disappointed that the idea of the A becoming more that platonic was out of the question , so he backed off in fear of being hurt. I'd would talk to him about the whole thing and get it out in the open. You would feel better and i bet he would too. Good luck with it.

Wishing~

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Registered: 07-27-2003
Sat, 10-04-2003 - 11:01pm
yoga

Since your posts always supply that little jolt of reality that is sometimes needed on this board, I wanted to make sure I could get your take on it all! Thanks for responding, and for your advice.




sweettendencies and wishing

I really appreciate you both taking the time to give me your thoughts on my situation. Thanks so much.




 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 4:50pm
Well, i just wanted to tell you that i can relate to your post in a way. Lately my mm is pulling away too, i saw him last wednesday and we talked, he promised me that he would email me letting me know that things were ok with him and just to say hey, well here it is sunday and no email, i havent heard anything from him and u know what, it hurts. Why do men do the waiting game, i am tired of the waiting, i know that mm doesnt have all the time in the world to stay on a computer and email me or send im's but he could at least be respectful enough to let me know what is going on with him, well i think with what u said to him that it did scare him and probably he feels that you and him are not on the same page when it comes to the ema. If i was you i would just talk to him, that's the only way u will get your answers. I hope everything goes ok and you find the answers you need, i really cant be giving advice b/c i have my own messy situation to deal with, but just to let you know that im thinking about you and wish you all the luck.