You don't know who you are involved with

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
You don't know who you are involved with
6
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:47am
until you are no longer involved with them....

This was what my shrink told me a long time ago....and it is so true. I thought I would say that here in a new post because the topic du jour seems to be, "What happens when the worst happens?"

Bottom line is - you won't know until you get there. It is frightening. And most people keep their act together. But some people don't. And even the most seemingly "sane" people behave in seemingly "insane" ways when emotions are high. And even the most loving of relationships can turn to hatred when the shame of being "caught" comes into play.

Just food for thought...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 11:55am
I cannot agree with what you said, Yoga. You always know who you are involved with even though you might not have acknowledged it before. Everybody gives you clues are to who they are, if you have known them for sometime. Its never out of the blue, you had a hunch, but you buried it in the back of your mind.

You said loving relationship turns into hatred, I don’t think so. Not if you truly loved this person. Its hard to go from love to hate just like that - you try to forgive them. Love is not a on-and-off switch. Sometimes harmful things are done for self preservation and sometimes they had been lead on by others to do it. Its also their reaction to the shame of getting caught. Its a fight or flight reaction, depending on that person's personality.

The relationship does suffer, the trust in them is destroyed. You cannot go back to the level of intimacy before you were caught. You always hold back because betryal of your trust is always in the back of your mind. That experience sometimes does take away the desire to be in the relationship again, and even if you do go back as secret did, you cannot trust them fully again. Life is not black and white, there are a lot of grey areas. That is why human relationships are complex and fascinating, at least to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 11:56am
you're right, yoga. MM got busted over the weekend and I am trying to give him all the space that he needs, and it is so difficult. I cannot imagine his feelings for me can just come to a sudden end, but he is going through alot right now and his M and family are #1. and I have to take the back seat on this one and see how it plays out. I've scheduled an appt. with a therapist so I can talk to a neutral 3rd party about this mess, however, do you have any advice on what I should/shouldn't do when it comes to dealing with him. I'm not contacting him, just waiting for him to come to me. But god, I love him, and I am willing to let go of him because I love him that much. Maybe there's no time like the present to do that.... because I'm sure that his W will be following him around like Columbo.

XOXO


Complicated (what a fitting name....)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 12:19pm
Hi IC,

Listen, I don't have any advice for you that you are going to want to hear. It would be absolutely intolerable to me to be #2 in someone's life. NO ONE is worth playing second fiddle for, at least to me. I need to be #1. That is how I am built. How are you built? Is being #2 (or even lower) in priority okay by you? If so, well, then we just don't agree on this.

As for what to do, assuming you want to continue with him, well, I suspect that in time, things will blow over, and if he wants to continue his involvement with you, he will, regardless of Lieutenant Columbo. If getting caught was a sobering wakeup call, then there is nothing you can do about it. Imagine trying to convince him why he should continue cheating on his wife when the experience has made it clear to him that keeping his wife by his side is his number one priority. I mean, what could you possibly say? "The sex is too good to give up?" "Oh please, keep cheating on your wife with me?" Really! I mean, what would you possibly be able to say to him that wouldn't sound completely inane, if he wanted to rebuild his marriage?

I would lay low and tell him I am available to talk, and I wouldn't expect ANYTHING from him. That being said, you may very well continue to expect contact from him and be very disappointed when you don't get it. If so, go with your feelings - accept them. Don't try to fight what is happening. It won't help anyway.

This could go either way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 1:27pm
Yoga, I agree with you on this one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 1:31pm
charmed, when my ex-H found out about my A with MM, I did everything I could to save and protect MM. I lied, and lied, and lied some more. I wanted to protect him, the best I could and I did. I wouldn't give my ex-H any information, he got so angry that he hit me in my face and broke my nose, but MM was still safe, and his W never knew a thing.

I felt that MM would do the same for me. BOY!!! was I wrong. Do you think I would have protected MM, if I felt like he would not protect me? So, I really didn't know him after all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 2:06pm
I guess that depends on how you define "loving relationship." If you truly love someone, you just don't turn around and hate them. You don't. If you are able to do that, it wasn't love, it was passion, infatuation, whatever, but it didn't have the essential ingredient of agape (selfless) love.

My OM doesn't feel the slightest bit of shame at what he's doing. Mostly he feels it's too bad that our cultures and religions are so constrictive that it's impossible for most people to visualize loving more than one person for your whole life. Of course he would feel badly about hurting his wife, and of course if she wanted to sustain the marriage, he would agree not to see me; I would have to do the same for him - this is a given. But hate each other? No way. He would never give me reason to hate him, and I would never give him reason to hate me. Lest you think we have some sort of rosy relationship in never-never land, let me assure you that I have seen him in some extremely tough situations where business and personal relationships were closely entwined, and he has never done anything at any time that I could not respect. He also knows what my moral compass is like, and what I would do or not do.