You don't know who you are involved with
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You don't know who you are involved with
| Mon, 09-08-2003 - 10:47am |
until you are no longer involved with them....
This was what my shrink told me a long time ago....and it is so true. I thought I would say that here in a new post because the topic du jour seems to be, "What happens when the worst happens?"
Bottom line is - you won't know until you get there. It is frightening. And most people keep their act together. But some people don't. And even the most seemingly "sane" people behave in seemingly "insane" ways when emotions are high. And even the most loving of relationships can turn to hatred when the shame of being "caught" comes into play.
Just food for thought...

You said loving relationship turns into hatred, I don’t think so. Not if you truly loved this person. Its hard to go from love to hate just like that - you try to forgive them. Love is not a on-and-off switch. Sometimes harmful things are done for self preservation and sometimes they had been lead on by others to do it. Its also their reaction to the shame of getting caught. Its a fight or flight reaction, depending on that person's personality.
The relationship does suffer, the trust in them is destroyed. You cannot go back to the level of intimacy before you were caught. You always hold back because betryal of your trust is always in the back of your mind. That experience sometimes does take away the desire to be in the relationship again, and even if you do go back as secret did, you cannot trust them fully again. Life is not black and white, there are a lot of grey areas. That is why human relationships are complex and fascinating, at least to me.
XOXO
Complicated (what a fitting name....)
Listen, I don't have any advice for you that you are going to want to hear. It would be absolutely intolerable to me to be #2 in someone's life. NO ONE is worth playing second fiddle for, at least to me. I need to be #1. That is how I am built. How are you built? Is being #2 (or even lower) in priority okay by you? If so, well, then we just don't agree on this.
As for what to do, assuming you want to continue with him, well, I suspect that in time, things will blow over, and if he wants to continue his involvement with you, he will, regardless of Lieutenant Columbo. If getting caught was a sobering wakeup call, then there is nothing you can do about it. Imagine trying to convince him why he should continue cheating on his wife when the experience has made it clear to him that keeping his wife by his side is his number one priority. I mean, what could you possibly say? "The sex is too good to give up?" "Oh please, keep cheating on your wife with me?" Really! I mean, what would you possibly be able to say to him that wouldn't sound completely inane, if he wanted to rebuild his marriage?
I would lay low and tell him I am available to talk, and I wouldn't expect ANYTHING from him. That being said, you may very well continue to expect contact from him and be very disappointed when you don't get it. If so, go with your feelings - accept them. Don't try to fight what is happening. It won't help anyway.
This could go either way.
I felt that MM would do the same for me. BOY!!! was I wrong. Do you think I would have protected MM, if I felt like he would not protect me? So, I really didn't know him after all.
My OM doesn't feel the slightest bit of shame at what he's doing. Mostly he feels it's too bad that our cultures and religions are so constrictive that it's impossible for most people to visualize loving more than one person for your whole life. Of course he would feel badly about hurting his wife, and of course if she wanted to sustain the marriage, he would agree not to see me; I would have to do the same for him - this is a given. But hate each other? No way. He would never give me reason to hate him, and I would never give him reason to hate me. Lest you think we have some sort of rosy relationship in never-never land, let me assure you that I have seen him in some extremely tough situations where business and personal relationships were closely entwined, and he has never done anything at any time that I could not respect. He also knows what my moral compass is like, and what I would do or not do.