You guys are all so lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
You guys are all so lucky
22
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 9:28am
I don't know if it's appropriate for me to post this here, but since I would *like* to have an EMA, I thought it might be okay.

Many of the posts I've read on here from MW in an EMA were in the same boat I am. M is OK, but H is not giving me the attention and time I would like. In fact, more and more I'm beginning to think *he* might be having an EMA. Hypocritically, that makes me even more angry and hurt and makes me want have one even more (I know it's childish)! Also, I'm not that attracted to my husband anymore and missing passion in my life. This is so ironic because I think my husband is still attracted to me, but I think a major reason I'm not that attracted to him anymore is that he gives me so little attention and time (including sexually--foreplay for him is grabbing my breast). I am beginning to feel so old and UNdesirable, and it's making me very depressed. I envy you MW who have someone else that makes you feel alive and sexy. I know an EMA is not necessarily the best solution (and I don't know if I could handle the guilt of an EMA anyway), but I don't think things between my H and I are going to change. I've talked to him before about feeling neglected by him, and he changes for a while, but then things go back to the same old, same old (BTW, we've been married for 13 years.) I just don't understand where or how you are meeting these men, especially those of you who are stay-at-home moms like me. I didn't think I'm particularly unattractive, but I'm beginning to since no one has shown any interest in me.

I guess I'd just like some advice from people who have been there.

TIA

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 11:19am
BTDT, but I left for the better. There is no comparison of sex with MM and STBXH. It was mechanical/routine with STBXH, but with MM its incredible. We are so compatible sexually and emotionally that sometimes I feel that I am living a dream. sanshop, you must leave your marriage if its becoming unbearable for you. You are the only one who knows your situation, but it looks like you don't like to me with H anymore. Have you tried counselling? I went couples counselling, single counselling and mediation before I split with H. I think you have to take the initiative and deicide what you want out of your life. SAHM doesn't have mean that you fell dull and unattractive. I would kill you be a SAHM be with my family and kids. The children do need their mother/father in the earlier years to be with them. I did not get a chance to be a SAHM with my kids, I left at them daycare way too young. I always tell my MM if we ever get together I will stay home and be a SAHM and he better get used to it. LOL But that's only in my dreams for now....

Sorry for rambling off like that, but like I said stop feeling depresed. Get out more often, feel the fresh air outside, weigh all your possibilities. Life is too short, make much of what you have. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 11:35am
Hi Tia, well speaking from my experience, my marriage was what I considered at 'rock bottom' when I found MM. I was just about to leave H because of our problems. It sounds like your marriage could maybe be okay if you just did a little prodding at H. You said he does change for a little while. Maybe he just needs constant reminders, i.e. going out on 'dates' together, you initiating sex, etc. With me, I tried these things, and had NO luck in getting H's attention. So bad and frustrating for me that I would either cry myself to sleep or have a screaming fit at him.

So, you ask how do we meet these men? Well I intentionally went to an online dating service looking for an intimate relationship. I talked to a few different men, met a couple of them for a coffee, then when I met MM, sparks flew. We were instantly attracted to each other. And we took it from there, we're having fun together, no committments.

But it's not for everyone. I never thought I would be doing this, but the circumstances led me to it. For now I think its the right thing for me. I am still with H, not much has changed as far as that goes.

But I am a little more content, knowing that I will at least have an intimate relationship a few times a month with MM, it gives me something to look forward to.

I am too young to be living a sexless life. Best wishes to you.

Dusty

xxxx
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 12:14pm
HI Sans and Welcome! I too had no luck getting attention from my H. For the 9 years, I would cry myself to sleep because my h didn't desire me and it seemed that the only thing we ever talked about was money and his hobbies. Oh and the fact that he has a huge ego and couldn't stop chancing the young girls, didn't help. He swore he has never cheated on me and to tell you the truth I really don't give a dam if he has. Sad but true! Anyway, I have known my MM for many years. Our relationship started by an innocent e-mail conversation over a year ago. So I didn't go looking for this, just happen to stumble upon it:):) Glad I did! I had thought about having an affair for a long time but because of some insecurity about my body (stretch marks, yesterdays topic), I never really looked. Anyway, I look back and I realize if it weren't for the EMA that I'm involved in I would not have stayed with my H. My MM has taught me a great deal about patience and communication. I've stop asking my H for intimacy, it's funny now I'm not interested. He asks why all the time, I tell him that I’m just not interested anymore. I ask for too many years! Anyway, think long and hard before starting an EMA. It can be tough at times! I decided before I finally agreed to a meeting with MM, that I would not feel any guilt or remorse. I gave my marriage my all for so long. I was the perfect wife, worked hard; loves to cook and I take great pride in my home. I love my life where it's at right now. I have 2 men in my life. One (my H) has really changed and I know he truly loves me. The other (MM) is also very thoughtful, respectful and loving. OK, I’ll get off my soap box! I wish you all the luck in the world. Just keep your head on straight! Don’t let you're heart and you're emotions rule your decisions. NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:15pm
Thanks so much for the support, understanding and advice everyone!

NMR, I'm not sure what you mean when you say, "Don’t let you're heart and you're emotions rule your decisions." Do you mean I shouldn't decide to have an EMA because of the way I feel about myself and my M, or do you mean that I shouldn't NOT have an EMA because of any guilt I might feel? Actually, this is all putting the cart before the horse anyway. I just wish I could attract someone enough to want to talk to me at this point. It seems to me like most guys shy away from married women, especially when they have kids.

I know what you mean about asking your H for too many years. I feel like I shouldn't have to ask (or at least I shouldn't have to keep asking) for him to be nice to me. Don't get me wrong, he's not *mean* to me really. I guess he just takes me for granted...although, as I said, I am starting to wonder if he is having an EMA. I was on the phone with him today, and he sounded so distracted, like he was more interested in work--or maybe *someone* at work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:52pm
LOL Well, I am not always so sure I am really ALL that LUCKY! First off, I could break up with BF, but then, I am taking a chance of having my two children with him move to the other side of the world and never get to see them again. (his family lives on the way West Coast, in CA.... we live in Michigan) Secondly, I am having an EMA with a MM who is also my boss! Now, just imagine what could happen to me if the W ever found out about it! I could lose my job, as well as a man I have come to love a great deal! At the same time, I do feel very lucky that I have found a man like this to love me and respect me. We have discussed this several times what we would do if we ever found ourselves 'unattached' from BF or W... I know in my heart, we would be together. we are just two peas in a pod and comfortable with each other in ways that are almost scary. We think a lot alike, we share so many of the same interests. I can't imagine being without him now for the rest of my life, honestly.

Now, on your end, if you still have a chance to not have an EMA, Please dont! Do what you can to work things out with your H first. This is definetly something I would NOT recommend to anyone. I love MM a great deal and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world, but at the same time, my life would be much easier without the sneaking around and lying to people to hide our activities. The whole sneaky side of it bothers me. MM and I both wish that we could be more out in the open about our relationship, but it would hurt too many people. Consider that before you enter into an EMA.

HTH! JMO

Tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:59pm
How sad that there are so many us us married women that cry our selves to sleep because our husband's pay us such little attention. All I know is that my H makes me feel like I am his maid. My MM makes me feel like I am a sex godess!!!!!

H went for years (not kidding) and never once told me I was pretty, or that I looked nice, or that I was beautiful. It was so disheartening. I would actually tell him to pay attention to me. I even bought a couple's porno for us to watch together. Guess what! I've never seen it and I bought it over a year ago. He watches it ALONE!

MM can't keep his hands off of me. He tells me everyday that I'm beautiful inside and out. He says that I make him laugh and that I am a great mother. God I love that man. My H says I'm a hopeless romantic and our marriage is as good as it gets. MM tells me that he would love to lay in bed all day on Sundays and make love.

I really would like to leave MM and make things work out with H. I mean we have a history and a child. It's just so hard. I don't think I love him anymore and the physical attraction is just not there. And I don't know how I would ever tell MM good-bye. It would break my heart into a million pieces.

My advice. Do what you think you can handle. It's alot of work. Most men are asses. I just happened to find a great one. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 3:19pm
hey secret. you're right, most men are asses, sometimes even the good ones. it is so frustrating to be married or living with someone who says "this is as good as it gets" and you think "that's it, that's all!!" i had a H like that and after 16 years of no passion, no appreciation, no sex (okay, 3 times to get my kids), no communication, i told him to "fu**k himself" and left. i was 35 and NOT living my life like that!

i realized i would rather be poor and a single mom, because at least i could take my life back and maybe, just maybe there was someone out there who WOULD love me and think i was beautiful and sexy, and fun and intelligent. and guess what, there were MANY, MANY men who thought all that and more.

and now i find myself, 16 years later, with a BF of 10+ years who had to get a "kick in the pants" earlier this year because i was frustrated with him, just like i was with my xH and i wasn't even MARRIED to him.

my MM came into my life 3.5 years ago when i was just on the verge of breaking up with my BF. i needed someone to fill that need to make me feel wanted and sexy and exciting! and MM still fills that need to the hilt.

and my BF is trying too, but he has a drinking problem that is interfering with our personal life and i'm getting pretty tired of putting up with it. i'm not sure this R will survive much longer, but i'm trying. i'm just tired of always trying!!

so i may be jaded, but i believe it all comes down to being on your own and alone and if you can deal with that, then any man who comes into your life and makes you feel good, you should hold onto to.

i'm done now.

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 5:36pm
Hi

I am a MW but I do not consider myself lucky to be having a EMA.

What I am hearing in your message is that it is a self-esteem issue for you. It was for me too. My H was critical of weight gain and the fact that I was staying home daily. (not working) My self-esteem was way low, until a single friend of ours commented repeatedly how great I was and how beautiful, there was a spark there and I wanted to pursue it further. WE talked on the phone alot and did even meet a couple times, then we kissed once and boy was I turned totally off, he was the worst kisser, and I didnt even get the warm fuzzies, so I told him it wasnt a good idea anymore. But it was a jump start for my self image, I lost weight and gained confidence.

2 years after that I got a job in a production plant where I meet the man of my dreams. This time I wasnt looking for anyone or anything, but the day I cut my finger and he cleaned my wound and applied my bangage, I was a gonner. I loved going to work more than I liked being home. And when they told us we would have to work 12hrs shifts and weekends I was happy. WE are still together after 4 years. Even thought we dont work together anymore. I guess what I am saying is if you go looking for something you may not find it and be disappointed even more. If its gonna happen it will happen.

Like alot of people say in A I didnt mean for it to happen. Take your time and find yourself first. Also maybe a partime job would get you out and in the public.

Good Luck ONTGC

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 6:01pm

Hi sanshop and welcome aboard,


you are more than welcome here to get your thoughts and emotions into order... maybe youe won't be tempted... maybe you will... and at least if you are... you know what you will be walking into and have the support to get through it.


I too was another that would cry myself to sleep from lack of attention... I sometimes wonder if it all had to do with trying for a baby... it was just hard.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 10:48am
You're right we did kind of put the cart before the horse. LOL! What I meant was don't let you're emotions get the best of the situation if you decide to have an EMA. I look back on what I said and realize that not everyone is like me. I made up my mind NOT to allow myself to fall madly in-love with my MM. In other words he would be a very easy man to fall in love with, he's considerate, warm, and understanding. I think that women often mistake love for lust, attention and warmth. Am I making any sense at all? Anyway, all I’m saying is you sound like an intelligent women, just be careful. Best of Luck! NMR

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