You guys are all so lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
You guys are all so lucky
22
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 9:28am
I don't know if it's appropriate for me to post this here, but since I would *like* to have an EMA, I thought it might be okay.

Many of the posts I've read on here from MW in an EMA were in the same boat I am. M is OK, but H is not giving me the attention and time I would like. In fact, more and more I'm beginning to think *he* might be having an EMA. Hypocritically, that makes me even more angry and hurt and makes me want have one even more (I know it's childish)! Also, I'm not that attracted to my husband anymore and missing passion in my life. This is so ironic because I think my husband is still attracted to me, but I think a major reason I'm not that attracted to him anymore is that he gives me so little attention and time (including sexually--foreplay for him is grabbing my breast). I am beginning to feel so old and UNdesirable, and it's making me very depressed. I envy you MW who have someone else that makes you feel alive and sexy. I know an EMA is not necessarily the best solution (and I don't know if I could handle the guilt of an EMA anyway), but I don't think things between my H and I are going to change. I've talked to him before about feeling neglected by him, and he changes for a while, but then things go back to the same old, same old (BTW, we've been married for 13 years.) I just don't understand where or how you are meeting these men, especially those of you who are stay-at-home moms like me. I didn't think I'm particularly unattractive, but I'm beginning to since no one has shown any interest in me.

I guess I'd just like some advice from people who have been there.

TIA

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 3:04pm
Wow, I am blown away by the support, understanding, and welcome you've all given me! Thank you! I wish I had more people in my life who were as nonjudgmental.

I think I understand what you're saying now, NMR. I want an EMA for the passion, but I would have trouble dealing with the emotional side of it. And thanks, Sweet, for understanding when you wrote "maybe you won't be tempted... maybe you will... and at least if you are... you know what you will be walking into and have the support to get through it." That's exactly why I wanted to post here--to get some inside perspective, and all of you have given me so much.

It's so sad to hear how so many H take their W for granted and just kind of shut down emotionally and/or forget all the niceties that make their W feel appreciated/sexy/etc. And I know that I've said to myself, "Okay, maybe I need to take the first step and just be more understanding/affectionate/whatever." But most of the time it doesn't seem like that's really appreciated and it doesn't work (although I have to say that H has tried that with me a couple of times and the timing wasn't right either, and I wasn't as receptive as I should have been). I think the hassles of everyday life get in the way more in a M. And certainly being a SAHM adds complications like isolation, our Hs not taking us seriously, and a lack of contact with other adults (who aren't SAHMs also), which all contribute to low self-esteem. ONTGC, I have been considering a part-time job, but I have the same old problem of not making enough to cover the cost of child care. And H gets home too late for me to get something at night really, and he got all POd when I mentioned the idea of my working on the weekends. I'm not totally giving up on the idea though.

But based on what you all have said and on my ambivalence about it, I think it's best if I take a wait-and-see approach to an EMA. As you said, ONTGC, if it's going to happen, it will happen.

Thanks again to everyone for all your understanding and advice! It makes me want to have an EMA just so I can "hang out" with you guys on this board! ;-)

Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 3:16pm
No Problem, you can hang out here! I understand about the H's, my H says to me a couple of weeks ago. I want to take my beautiful wife out to a nice dinner. I'm like OK! No friends, no family, etc.... just us! Anyway, I'm dressed to the hilt (you know cleavage and the hair flowing). Anyway, the entire time all he talks about is money and just negative stuff. So I'm sitting there bored out of my mind (woofed down 3 Cosmo's) because he never stops complaining. Then he says to me as we're leaving OH, I'm going to play golf tomorrow. I'm thinking GREAT get him out of my hair. But he says, well I figured I deserved it since I took you out to a nice dinner. I wanted to jump on his back and beat the crap out of him. I didn’t though, I went to see MM the next day:):) NMR Got those dinner frustrations out:)Life is GOOD:) NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 3:43pm
Thanks, NMR!

Men (well, Hs at least) are pigs!

BTW, what is it with Hs keeping score?? "I did _____ 'for you," so now I get to _________." Gee, wouldn't it be nice if you did this thing for both of us anyway?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 3:58pm
sanshop2003,

I don't post here often since it really is not a guy hang-out, but I look to get opinions as it all applies in the long run regardless of who you are. My situation sounds very similar, been married 14 years except it's a federal disaster. I have three reasons why I don't leave. My life is one mass of confusion, feel trapped, empty and have been considering an EMA for a while now. I probably could start one today with one of several women I know, but have been hesitant to date for a variety of reasons. I see responses that range from "Hell yeah, go for it!" to "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy." I guess the best advice I saw was "if it will happen, it will happen." Why your H doesn't pay attention to you could be any number of things. In my case W is angry all the time, critizes me constantly and really doesn't care much about us. How can one be attracted to that? Given those circumstances, one tends to look around. But on-line dating services? I don't think so. I try and tell myself that I really got it made; have a terrific job, nice house and most all, three great children. Still I seem to wander from day to day feeling half dead. Life shouldn't be this way, yet here we are. Good luck - I hope you find the peace and happiness you are looking for.

PS - Get out of the house. Even if it's only for a little while each day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 4:31pm
Yikes, I'm sorry, lostvoyage! My last post was pretty insensitive to men. I forget that there are also sweet H out there whose W treat them like garbage. I'm so sorry to hear that yours criticizes you all the time and that you're feeling as badly as the rest of us neglected spouses. I know that both parties are always to blame, but it sounds like your W is crazy if she doesn't appreciate you--you sound like a very sensitive, caring person. But I know what you mean about not wanting to go the on-line dating route and about trying to stick things out, especially when you have kids to consider.

Good luck to you as well. You deserve to be happy, too! And thanks for the advice about getting out of the house. That *is* something else I've put on my "resolution" list.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 5:25pm
No need to appologize, when you get you right down to it, we're all just humans wanting and needing the same thing. In my case definately both parties are to blame. I do consider myself to be a pretty caring person but at times I can be a real jerk too. One thing I can say is I gave it 110%. Somedays the fact that I'm in empty relationship doesn't bother me, other times it has me going nuts. However, if I ever were to have an EMA I need to be really really sure she is the "one." It's like playing with plutonium, one must be very careful the mass doesn't get supercitical. If does, everything gets out of control. In your case I would offer the same advice if not more as it has been my observation here, that women seem to get more attached in these situations then men. Not to say the opposite isn't true, but you really need to make sure you're both on the same wavelength. Have a great weekend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 9:02am
member00072145,

Given that you're single and 26, I'm not sure why you are tracking a board like this, but OK, I'll bite.

I certainly see your points, and believe me, this boy has considered all the implications of such a situation. Like I said, there are many reason why I'm hestitant about this, yours are one. I don't know the story behind your dad, but let me tell you mine. My marriage is completely F'd. My wife is impossible to live with, but she is a great mom. I have tried everything short of tying her up and carting her off for a pyscological evaluation. Nothing works. Leave you say? You never had kids, you wouldn't understand. I couldn't live without them. You've never been in a relationship, so you wouldn't understand that either. Your points about being alone when old? That's already a forgone conclusion, regardless of what happens. So I ask myself why let my middle years be completely empty too? What do you do when you have all what it takes to really make someone of the opposite sex happy - the looks, the persona, the desire etc, but it sits there idle.

The points you bring up are all extremely important to one who thinks rationally with respect to this. But most people here aren't thinking rationally, they are thinking emtionally. As such, when your heart gets in the driver's seat, it's hard to go anywhere else. I'm sorry to hear your fathers actions has caused you such pain. Being the optimist that I am, perhaps there is one good thing that may come out of it for you. You certainly know what to look for in a mate. Given that, you will probably end up with someone who is truely meant for you the first time, and you won't have to go through the agony that a lot of folks here experience with a failed marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 9:24pm
Hi Lostvoyage,

I just had to say....what an excellent response to Member00072145. Everyone reacts to situations differently and it is obvious that she is very angry and hurt by what she considers to be her father's ultimate betrayal. Although it may have made her feel better to come over here and express her emotions to those of us currently involved in A's, it likely won't help much in her healing process. Instead of taking the defensivie tone, which is easy for any of us to do, you responded with kindness and the points you made to those considering having an A were very well thought out.

Thank you,

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2003
Sat, 11-22-2003 - 11:12pm
Hey lostvoyage,

My MM was in the same kind of M you are, and it took her having him thrown in jail for him to leave.(he kicked in the backdoor because she locked him out of the house!) Only been a few months, but she is the kind of woman who would bad-mouth him literaly behind his back. Jealous, mean, vindictive, etc. I know it takes 2 to tango, but you need to ask yourself if your personal happiness is worth what you're going through, and do you really think it's good for your kids to have to listen to their parents not getting along? I'm not advocating an EMA, but you need to be where you're happy, and it doesn't sound like you are right now.

Think about it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 8:36am
member00072145,

I can certainly see your point with regard to all this, and appreciate your input. Recall, I have not had and EMA, not yet. Hence why I'm here "gathering info." Your father I am not I can assure you. I give and give and give all day everyday, not just for my kids, but for anyone who needs help. That's the kinda person I am. Life is too short to be a recluse. When I got married, everything seemed fine, but yet there were indcations at that point that maybe this wasn't going to be that way. Well, it went all down hill in an exponential fashion after that.

When my kids came along it committed me for the long haul. Prior to that I thought; "kids, who need's 'em." That was until they day I cut the umbilcal cord from my new born daughter and held her in my arms - one of the three best days of my life. Like I said, I couldn't live without them. Giving them a hug each night before bed is the reason I stay. If I leave, they might think their father abandoned them. They will lose their house, their friends. Who will help them with their homework, referee the disagreements, keep them away from drugs, take them to their sport activities, play catch with them, talk to them about life? That's why I'm here. True the environment they live in is far from ideal, my wife picks fights in front of them a lot. But I see kids from broken homes and I gotta think they are worse off. My son said to me the other day: "Dan's dad has to go on a business trip every week, that really sucks." I asked him why, he said: "Because his dad is not around. I'm glad you don't have to do that."

So you see, I do have a lot here. But that's only half the story. The fact that I have no one to share that with, the fact that I'm married to a sexual corpse, to someone who thinks eveything is my fault, eats away at me everyday. There are days I drive home from work and see the sign for my development, it might as well say "State Department of Corrections."

My advice: really really know the person who you marry. My wife's mom is an alcoholic. That should have triggered about a dozen alarms in the control room, but I ignored them. Keep your eyes open. It sounds like you have a lot going for you. If you share interests, be objective and tend to the other persons needs (providing he does the same for you), you will never have to worry about "homewreckers."

Saludos