Your input needed please

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2010
Your input needed please
5
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 10:48pm

First some background info, I am MW who is almost 3 months into my first A with MM I am his 2nd A, ( his current W was the AP)! He was in hot pursuit of me for the first several weeks, then it dwindled down subsantially, we have only had IC twice in the time since we began this A.


When I called him last week, he was happy to hear from he, said he had been busy with work and kids etc, to make a long story short so I don't bore you all too much,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2009
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 12:45am

I totally understand how you feel about wanting to be something more to him than just sex. This is exactly the kind of talk I had with AP this past weekend. But I did it in person, and let me tell you I felt kinda weird, unsure of bringing it up. He agreed with me and told me that I was more than just sex to him. We are both married like you both are, and we are not looking to leave our spouses for each other. He has had a thick shield around his family life, a shield so thick as to not to be penetrated by me. On the other hand I have been very open about my family life. By the way we've been in an A for 10 years, only seeing each other an average of once a year. We live over 1000 miles away from ea. other.

I think that your relationship is too "young", it is at its beginning stages and your AP is enjoying the time with you I mean the physical time with you. Also, if your get-togethers right now consist of just doing the deed, for men that is all it is. No feelings attached. You'd have to spend more time together and get to know each other just like you mentioned in your post, but from what you also wrote he is not open to this. IMO if you decide to speak to him about this again do it face to face, then you either accept the little bit he is giving you now in hopes he will come around or you move on to someone else.
Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2010
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 5:28am

Wow 10 years, that's unusual for an A to last that long isn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 6:54am

Hello there :-)

I've been in an EA for almost 5 years now and from my personal experience and of reading these boards I would say two things.

1. In total agreement with the other poster - your R is possibly too young for this level of engagement.

2. If that connection isn't there for one or both of you then you can't force it.

In my case my OM had these walls and so did I but they fell down very quickly on both sides, not because caving his in was my intention but because the way we communicated and our intense mental, intellectual and eventually emotional connection dissolved them without permission! Initially to his great discomfort and relative fear.

Your last paragraph in your second post concerned me. If he isn't acting as if he values you as a person now, I doubt he ever really will. If its an emotional relationship alongside the PA you want, again two things.

1. He probably isn't the right man and he has pretty much told you that
2. Be prepared you are more than likely headed for one heck of a painful ride!

After saying that, there used to be a male poster here years ago who had a very positive and firm view that A's are an experience that life offers us and can be enjoyed for that alone. I think the reality is that it comes down to your personality and relationship style as to whether it will be a positive or negative experience for you.

Good luck and take care

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2010
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 11:12am

I just can't seem to make up my mind here, I do want more emotional support from him and to feel that he genuinely enjoys me as a person, kind fo tough to do I guess when we only see each other for sex and we have only done that twice.


By his getting defensive when I brought this to his attention last week I think that tells me right there that he only wants sex, on the other hand, he said he couldn't answer that question right hten and he needed to mulll it over, then again he said at the end of that conversationthat"all of the intracacies will be worked out"


As I said he didn't bring it up when he called yesterday nor did I , we just had a general type conversation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2010
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 4:22pm
HI...sorry if any of what I'm going to say sounds harsh, but I've been in A land for a while :( and can see a little of myself in what you're going through. It sounds to me like this guy is in this A for one thing and one thing only.