your needs / his needs aka your expectations/ his expectations?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
your needs / his needs aka your expectations/ his expectations?
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 2:49pm

me again ;-), I have a couple of questions and I would like to hear how you feel about it: 


* Do you have contact with AP on a daily basis? If so, in what way? Email/ text/ phone call/ visit ? Are you satisfied with the amount of contact that you have even though it's an affair ?

* Do you feel like AP puts enough time and effort into contacting you? Or does he/ she only contact you when he/ she is in the mood?

* Do you feel ok/ satisfied with what AP is giving to you? Or do you feel like you're giving more to him/ her  than what you get?

* Do you feel like you're getting nothing but a few crumbs? If the answer is yes: Are you ok with that?

* Does AP tell you beforehand when he can't contact you or does he/ she disappear on you?

* Do you feel like you're supposed to read his/ her mind or does he/ she put effort into communicating with you?

* Does AP get mad at you when you tell him/ her  how you feel?

* Does AP sometimes defend himself by saying "I was busy at work!" while you KNOW he was NOT busy? (does he use  'busyness' as an excuse)


I would like to read about your experiences. I mean, I have the feeling that i certainly don't ask too much from AP, although he acts like I do.


xx itstime



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012

* I see my AP every day as we live very close to each other, so for the most part we talk everyday.  I don't feel like our contact is good though as far as we just never seem to sit down and talk about life in general.

* It used to seem to me that AP only contacted me when he was in the mood.  But things have changed in the last several months.  If he sees me out in my workout gear he knows I'm going for a walk, so all of a sudden he has to walk the dog in he opposite direction so we meet up.  If I'm outside doing something he will have to throw trash away a million times.  He might not say anything but he always searches me out with his eyes to know where/what I'm doing.  In fact he has brought me supper several days this past week. His comment the first time was "you know I don't do this for anyone."  I said I'm glad because I'm not just anyone.

* If you would've asked me this 6 months ago I would've said no I'm not satisfied.  Now I am.  I got over my high expectations, told him what I expected, and we have worked on it together.  There is a song out right now by Kenny Chesney called "Come Over" I've dubbed that our song.  "We don't have to miss each other, we don't have to fix each other, we don't have to say forever, you don't have to stay forever.....come over."

* What do you mean by a few crumbs?  I knew going into my AP that we both are married and no matter what emotions are behind it we both will not leave our spouses.  So I take what I can get when I can get it.  But I won't settle for anything less that what I want if that makes sense.

* He used to.  And that was the center of it all.  It made me feel like I was a cheap whore.  So I laid down the law, told him how his actions made me feel and what I expected.  Didn't happen again.

* You have to remember, depending on your situation your AP may not be able to communicate with you like he/she wants.  For me we might text or call but we never FB and we don't email.  Even texting and calling is hazardous.  Sometimes I feel like he would like to communicate more, I know I would but once again we get by with what we can.

* I had never cheated on anyone in my life until this A.  It started a year ago so last September I had a melt down, I mean a full on melt down.  I told him I thought I needed to back away because of what I was feeling.  He said he would end it if that was the case because he couldn't have that.  I later recanted and told him it was just all the stress that made me have those feelings.  But come on really?  I don't think he's that clueless.  Plus for some absurd reason I told him that I give him little clues on things on my FB if he ever reads into them and the next day not even thinking I posted something about not being able to tell someone how you feel.  I felt horrible, but either he didn't get it, he didn't push, or he is happy that I feel that way.

* Oh yeah he used to.  "Oh I was busy at work," yet I saw him posting on FB etc. 


Hope this helps you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010

Hi, itstime!

Well, you know most of my answers already :smileyhappy:  

I know these have been the areas that have caused you the most frustration.  I think what it comes down to is that almost all As have some area that is majorly flawed. I think it comes with the compartmentalization people have to do to participate in an A.  Some people have to pull back on the contact in order to function, and some people have to cut out the sex.  But I think if all all areas were working well, that would just be too normal and easy...and everybody knows those words just don't mesh with the idea of an A!  LOL.

I wish it made you happier. :smileysad:

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
I live next door. I know his W, I'm friends with his W if you want to call it that. I see them together when they go out somewhere or come over to talk to us.
We talk about the kids and life in general. I don't necessarly want a deeper conversation but just more talk about the general stuff not when we can meet up.

After feeling like a whore and a fool for so long because he never answered text/calls when he wanted to back off etc. I told him how it made me feel and how he could change it. Since than he will answer calls or texts and if he can't he lets me know why.
I'm a grown woman and I know that 1)a full blown relationship won't ever happen, 2) he might feel something for me but he might ever tell me 3)the A had to be a two way street of giving and taking. 4)I am responsible for my own feelings and emotions. Hence I won't settle for being someones booty call anymore, I won't let myself get stressed out over the little things and overthink things. Once I was able to wrap my head around that I've been happier than ever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
CSmith, When it comes time for a man to walk away from the life he built, the history he has and the responsibility he puts upon himself for those things. I can be devrstatingly hard. Most men won't leave, the known for the unknown due to fear of looking like a failure among other things.

I am sorry you are hurting, there is no answer to this. Only you can decide what is right for you and only he can decide what is right for him. Does it make him a bad guy for not wanting to rip his kids hearts apart? Entering into an affair slips in on you. You don't plan it, things start making you feel good, you let your guard down and you stop thinking of the consequences and it consumers you. Yes, it is a concious choice to enter into an affair, but at the time you don't understand all the ramifications. Sounds like your AP is trying to soul search. Only time will tell you where it is going to go.

Most affairs don't end happily. I wish you peace. (((Hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Itstime as long as its not the same man...LOL.
Yes our kids are friends, they are over at my house constantly an has even called me mom on occasions and they refer to themselves as my "other kids"

It took a while because I want to know 24/7 what he is feeling/doing about me. Men are so different with feelings, that I had to realize that his silence didn't mean the worst. Also, I take my cues from him. He knows I walk, he knows when I'll be outside. Like for example he came outside last night knowing I was there and pretended to take something out of his truck. Problem is he had nothing on two occasions. It's like he comes out to check on me etc. I'm no fool but he's done this enough I know it's tied into me and not just going about his business.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012

Well yesterday we had a surprise "visit" because it wasn't planned out but it worked out beautifully.  This is what I mean by things are changing, leaning his forhead on mine, holding me tighter and closer, etc.  Maybe I'm the only one but I can tell the difference now with the hugging and kissing and everything else.  It really didn't start until I asked him "if we had gone beyond sex."  So who knows. 

I'm sorry yours isn't going like you want it, but we rarely get what we want.  It makes it harder that kids are involved doesn't it?  We've stopped it on several occasions but we've always said it wouldn't effect the kids.  But how can it not ya know?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
LOL no you can't. Sometimes I get so frustrated at the kids but than I have to remember it's not their fault.

I'm not holding my breathe on him telling me. One thing I don't know how to bring it up in conversation and the other is I just too afraid of the results.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012

I feel the same way!!  I can't go back and change it but I wish I hadn't said yes.

I feel that everything happens for a reason. 


Do you find it more convenient or more of a hassle that it's a neighbor that your dealing with?  How do you keep the other neighbors from noticing anything?  Where do ya'll meet up at, his house, your house a neutral place? 

My issue is the neighbor across the street is really nosy.  I've got my best friend that lives on the same side as AP does and only two houses away from him.  Then I don't think there is a neighbor on our street or the next that we both don't know. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Itstime, do you and your H own the house or rent? What about AP?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012

Yes I could never do NC either.  His W knows he talks to me all the time so if that happened she would get to questioning what was going on.

Yes my best friend knows and she actually hates him.  I don't know if she pays much attention or not.  Sometimes I want to feel guilt but I can't when I talk to his W.  I've gone an hour after "seeing" him and she'll come over and talk or vice versa.  Inside I'm laughing, thinking damn this could make a great movie but than the other part of me doesn't feel an ounce of guilt.