Your thoughts, opinions, HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Your thoughts, opinions, HELP
3
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 4:26pm
It's been quite a while since I've lurked here and I feel more at home now, more kindred spirits than before. This will be long since I need to give some background before asking for your thoughts - so here it goes.

8 +/- years ago I met my MM (I'm M also) through work, different aspects of the same industry. There was an attraction from the beginning, but no action on it for about a year. When I finally gave in and crossed that threshold into an A it was fantastic. It was always quite clear on both our parts that it would always be only an A, we would never break up our families to be together. This I am OK with, although there have been times when I wanted to be #1 (or at least #2 after his family but before his work. Well, after our first few intimate meetings he was incredibly guilty, freaked out and said he couldn't see me like that anymore. I was crushed, but agreed - I was having problems as well - not with guilt really, but on the moral aspects of the situation. Several months later he wanted to see me alone again and everything started up again. Although we talked all the time we were never able to see each other as often as we wanted - due to our busy schedules, him being from an ethnic background where everybody knows everbody else's buisness in detail, and oh yes, did I mention his guilt. Things continued on like this passionatly for 5 years.

Then a little over 2 yrs ago my H was offered great job halfway across the country which we accepted. My MM was happy for me because I was getting a much better lifestyle than I had living in the city we were in, I deserved the good life after struggling all the time. Never being one for long distance relationships, even when they weren't A's, I told him at our last pre-move meeting that this would be the end, that I didn't see how the A could continue. (of course I had tears in my eyes) He said that he didn't see why things should end.

Fast forward to last week. I was stopping back in my old area for a few days before going to a conference. (I was so excited to be seeing him!!!)I had first tried to convince him to go to the conference. We are in similar professions and thought that we could finally be together for more than a few hours without questions. He had first said he would, and then changed his mind since his W questioned it ($$$) and his busybody buddies thought they would come along with him - meaning he could not get away at all. I was going to be in town only 2 weekdays and was planning to stay with friends. He talked me into staying at a hotel near the airport so that he could swing by on his way to work. (not only did this cost me $$$ but it was inconvienant - I wanted to be with my friends) He promised that he would come by both mornings and then take me to the airport on his way home. Needless to say he came by only the 1st day (late) and then called rather late that day to say that his office would be off the next day and he wouldn't be able to come(Vetran's Day - yeah right a bunch of foriegners taking a day off that most Americans don't get, please). I had asked him point blank if he was coming back in the morning and would take me to the airport the next evening and he said yes. I was furious, and left him a message that he should have never promised to do something that he had no intention of doing and that if he had changed his mind about being lovers then I deserved the truth, etc. I have not heard back from him.

This whole thing got me thinking back. Last time I was in town we were to get together twice, he called and cancelled one. Excuse was his kids - perfectly acceptable at the time but now I wonder. He suggests ways for us to get together (usually involving me traveling someplace he might be) and then changes his mind. I tried to convince him to come to this area because he has a cousin nearby, but he says hi W would come too and he couldn't get away. (those women keep their men on a short leash) Then I am always the one who calls him. He won't call me because he doesn't want anyone to see my number(s) on his phone bill. I told him to get a phone card but he says that then his buisness associates would question that. Discretion is one thing but that is just crazy. If I don't call him for a while (hoping he calls - lasts a few weeks max) he sounds hurt and asks me why. Occasionly, in an astounded manner he says "You're not coming back are you?", then when I do come back to town (to see him) I'm lucky to get an hour or two of his undivided attention. (damned those cell phones)

I love this man but this behavior is making me crazy. I know he has always felt guilty about us, and in the past several years he has actually become more religious and that guilt must be stronger. Or maybe he is just afraid (of his feelings- getting caught?) Or could it be that he has changed his mind and is not man enough to tell me (few men are - those tears really scare the @#^& out of males)

What would you ladies do? Long distance, long term and in so may ways so futile for such a hidden relationship. If it didn't feel so one sided it would make more sense. Should I just accept the inevitable heartbrake of lost love?

Sorry this post is so long








iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 4:39pm
Girl, you're doing all the work. It doesn't sound like he's to sure he wants to be in the relationship. It seems to be more heartache for you than it is worth. I tell everyone here that I post to that if my A becomes more trouble or heartache than it's worth I am done. My A is a brief moment of happiness in my day. Not sorrow. Not waiting for the phone to ring. If this is so upsetting and causing you pain then you shold end it. I know it hurts. It's very painful to walk away from a love but sometimes we have no choice. It may save you some sanity. Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 5:06pm
Ya, this all seems like way to much work for very little return...I would call it a day, and let him do the work to contact you, and if he never does, well then you know his feelings for you aren't as strong as you may want them to be...
Avatar for stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 5:51pm
It sounds like he's staying involved as long as you make it convenient for him. But that's not a relationship- the only way to really know that someone cares about you too is if they give every now and then. Seems like being so far away might give you better chance to just get out now. Maybe focusing this energy on your H will provide some results that are more rewarding than what you are getting with your MM. I certainly can understand him being in tough position with his circumstances but why on earth should you be doing all the sacrificing?? Focus on you and good luck with whatever you decide...