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| Thu, 11-20-2003 - 4:26pm |
8 +/- years ago I met my MM (I'm M also) through work, different aspects of the same industry. There was an attraction from the beginning, but no action on it for about a year. When I finally gave in and crossed that threshold into an A it was fantastic. It was always quite clear on both our parts that it would always be only an A, we would never break up our families to be together. This I am OK with, although there have been times when I wanted to be #1 (or at least #2 after his family but before his work. Well, after our first few intimate meetings he was incredibly guilty, freaked out and said he couldn't see me like that anymore. I was crushed, but agreed - I was having problems as well - not with guilt really, but on the moral aspects of the situation. Several months later he wanted to see me alone again and everything started up again. Although we talked all the time we were never able to see each other as often as we wanted - due to our busy schedules, him being from an ethnic background where everybody knows everbody else's buisness in detail, and oh yes, did I mention his guilt. Things continued on like this passionatly for 5 years.
Then a little over 2 yrs ago my H was offered great job halfway across the country which we accepted. My MM was happy for me because I was getting a much better lifestyle than I had living in the city we were in, I deserved the good life after struggling all the time. Never being one for long distance relationships, even when they weren't A's, I told him at our last pre-move meeting that this would be the end, that I didn't see how the A could continue. (of course I had tears in my eyes) He said that he didn't see why things should end.
Fast forward to last week. I was stopping back in my old area for a few days before going to a conference. (I was so excited to be seeing him!!!)I had first tried to convince him to go to the conference. We are in similar professions and thought that we could finally be together for more than a few hours without questions. He had first said he would, and then changed his mind since his W questioned it ($$$) and his busybody buddies thought they would come along with him - meaning he could not get away at all. I was going to be in town only 2 weekdays and was planning to stay with friends. He talked me into staying at a hotel near the airport so that he could swing by on his way to work. (not only did this cost me $$$ but it was inconvienant - I wanted to be with my friends) He promised that he would come by both mornings and then take me to the airport on his way home. Needless to say he came by only the 1st day (late) and then called rather late that day to say that his office would be off the next day and he wouldn't be able to come(Vetran's Day - yeah right a bunch of foriegners taking a day off that most Americans don't get, please). I had asked him point blank if he was coming back in the morning and would take me to the airport the next evening and he said yes. I was furious, and left him a message that he should have never promised to do something that he had no intention of doing and that if he had changed his mind about being lovers then I deserved the truth, etc. I have not heard back from him.
This whole thing got me thinking back. Last time I was in town we were to get together twice, he called and cancelled one. Excuse was his kids - perfectly acceptable at the time but now I wonder. He suggests ways for us to get together (usually involving me traveling someplace he might be) and then changes his mind. I tried to convince him to come to this area because he has a cousin nearby, but he says hi W would come too and he couldn't get away. (those women keep their men on a short leash) Then I am always the one who calls him. He won't call me because he doesn't want anyone to see my number(s) on his phone bill. I told him to get a phone card but he says that then his buisness associates would question that. Discretion is one thing but that is just crazy. If I don't call him for a while (hoping he calls - lasts a few weeks max) he sounds hurt and asks me why. Occasionly, in an astounded manner he says "You're not coming back are you?", then when I do come back to town (to see him) I'm lucky to get an hour or two of his undivided attention. (damned those cell phones)
I love this man but this behavior is making me crazy. I know he has always felt guilty about us, and in the past several years he has actually become more religious and that guilt must be stronger. Or maybe he is just afraid (of his feelings- getting caught?) Or could it be that he has changed his mind and is not man enough to tell me (few men are - those tears really scare the @#^& out of males)
What would you ladies do? Long distance, long term and in so may ways so futile for such a hidden relationship. If it didn't feel so one sided it would make more sense. Should I just accept the inevitable heartbrake of lost love?
Sorry this post is so long
| Thu, 11-20-2003 - 4:39pm |
| Thu, 11-20-2003 - 5:06pm |
| Thu, 11-20-2003 - 5:51pm |
