2009: An ML Odyssey

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
2009: An ML Odyssey
75
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 2:18pm

In an earlier post (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlclashing&msg=10335.44) I had recounted a recent example of how ML has affected my life and my relationship . Late Monday night my DLLW asked me what I had wanted to discuss that morning, so I related the same thing that was contained in that post. Her reaction was surprise, which was not surprising to me. She viewed the events I recounted entirely differently. We ended up discussing the situation for three hours that night.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 2:34pm

WOW!!!

Your example really validates what I say on her often: that many LLs can modify their behavior if they want to but usually only in response to the HL making some changes on their end. The problem is that many don't want to make any effort at all -- the LL because they don't want to acknowledge the issue and the HL because they don't see how their expectations and behavior are so often a big contributing factor to the mismatch.

I really salute you for handling this so well, for avoiding the emotional pitfalls that kill any attempts to even discuss the problem. And I salute your wife for doing her part, for seriously considering your viewpoint and taking some steps in your direction.

My guess is that you are going to have to modify your current agreement quite a bit to get it just right, but it's certainly a fantastic first step. Kudos all around!!!

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 3:31pm
Wonderful news.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 12:19am
Good for you for re-engaging!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 10:33am

Kudos on the progress!!!


As I have said repeatedly, a lot of ML is about control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 11:45am

Kudso if this has made you feel sexier, more confident, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 11:57am

>>This is entirely possible and "survival sex" has definitely been present in the past when she was afraid that our relationship might not survive a crisis. Over the past year, my lack of reaction

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 12:27pm

Another example of my independence that may have influenced her (probably more toward attraction):


When she and I met, I had a full beard and I kept that beard for about the first 16 or 18

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 12:44pm

<>

I did NOT imagine you with a beard. Probably because you mentioned you were an active Christian, and for some reason I associate Christian with clean-shaven. I hope my personal stereotype isn't offensive to anyone -- I have no idea where it comes from.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 12:56pm

I did NOT imagine you with a beard. Probably because you mentioned you were an active Christian, and for some reason I associate Christian with clean-shaven. I hope my personal stereotype isn't offensive to anyone -- I have no idea where it comes from.


Maybe when I get to know you better I'll give you the power to offend me. LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 1:22pm

>>And she has had room to miss you.<<

Yes! YesyesyesyesYES! "room to miss you" is a strange but real phenomenon. DH and I are always together unless I am at work. He never GOES anywhere. I never have "alone time." On those rare occurrences that he does go somewhere, I frequently have increased desire for him when he returns!

He doesn't 'get' this concept and it seems not to be that way for him. Even when he does go away, he calls me so often it is almost like he's right there anyway.

UGH

roo and snowy siggie

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