Advice? Or rather venting here

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2008
Advice? Or rather venting here
17
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 1:35am

I've been reading most of the posts here this past week, and alot of it with great piece of advices, especially from people who have been married for many years without the rose-tinted glasses. This is what I need, as I'm still in a fairly "new" marriage. Only 3 years this Fall.


I'm a young professional woman who married her husband 12 years older, not that age is relevant but to give you an idea of my background, in order to receive good advice. I've been with my husband for 6 years, with first 3 just just as a couple, and the rest in martial relationship.


I'm a highly sexual person, a HL who's married to a guy with LH, but it was something that was sort of known since I started dating him. However, I did not realize that it would become less, to than what we had, and then getting to the point of being non-existant as it is currently!! I realize after thinking for weeks about this, that I was really a naive woman who thought love would help to overcome it. I'm realizing how wrong I am now. Which leads me to feel alot of resentment, anger, guilt and bit of sadness. I did not think I would be talking/venting about it 3 years into a marriage where both are fairly young people with straightforward jobs and no kids yet!!


Throughout my 20's, I was always in volatile relationships, so when I ended the last relationship before my husband, I made a very conscious decision that the next guy I date will personify stability. That is my husband, so I've always known that while we had a decent sex life, it was definately not like the prior sex life I've had with my exes, but honestly thought I'd be ok with it. I'm not ok with it at all, which is where the feeling of guilt comes in. As sometimes I feel I've no right to demand more of my husband, when I knew, and he even pointed out so to me when I brought it up during the rare moments we talk about the lack of our sex life.


I'm at the point in my life where I'm feeling this is NOT cutting out for me, as I'm feeling more angry, resentful toward my husband who seems to be more fricking obsessed with cleaning, chores, and the general upkeep of our home/running the household than our fecking sex life!


When I was reading through the different posts, the few that I really related to was about the acts of 'love", and recongize the value of that, since when it started about a year ago, I noticed enough that keeping up the household was very important to my husband that I started stepping up to his perceived acts of love. I did that, in the hope he would return that for me, but in our bedroom since he knows how important sex is for me. Nope. Zilch. Instead, he would critize that I was not doing enough, and have to be on the ball constantly, can't sleep in past 8am on weekends, especially when we got lots of cleaning to do! That's when I started to revert back to my old self, which being while I care about keeping up a clean household, but not obsessively and daily basis. That's when I really felt attuned to the big rubber band/pull analogy that some of the posters talked about. That is me right now.


Why I'm posting about me? I have a dilemma, but probably know the answer to it though. My husband wants a family now, has been pushing for it the past year, but seriously in the past 3 months though. I've been "putting it off" by claiming it wasn't the right fertile time, or we're in my mother's house (at one of those months) etc etc. You get the idea. I'm doing this, as a way to be spiteful, because I've

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 8:03am

"So, it would be pretty easy to relocate and find a job, sure it'll be hard as it'll take me out of a comfort zone, but if the push comes it it, I will do it. It just that I feel sad and guilty because, I've basically "wasted" 6 years of my husband's life, when he could be a father by now with someone else, so that I feel kinda responsible to provide him the kids he desperately wants."


Well whatever you do, don't have a child, no matter how guilty you may feel about the choices you made with your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 10:27am

Can you sit him down and tell him exactly this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 1:14pm

you're right that it's high time for a serious talk, and to give him a chance to choose. What has he said to my responses? I should just accept that his drive is on the downward phase, and just have to wait it out with him. He also said that besides once we have a baby, I'll be too busy dealing with the newborn, to bleat about the lack of sexual activity.

When he said that, the idea of entertaining to leave started to formulate, cuz who the heck is he to tell me what's important and not important??

Very frustrating, demoralizing, and inhumane.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 1:28pm

I understand how you view it as incredibly disrespectful of him to assume that he knows how you will feel about something.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 7:34pm

I do. I'm thankful that it's only at this point I have to deal with, however hard it is. As I've read many people who have been in marriages for many years before it all came out.


I DO understand people can and get low drives, however I guess I didn't expect his to disappear with only 2 years into our marriage, without any indication of when he'll get it back. Also, it's the dismissive attitude from my husband that I should be happy with whatever the status of our sex life, without any indication of time-frame on when he'll get his drive back. That bothers me lot more than the actual lack of sex life, if it makes sense??


I'll be talking to my husband seriously tonight, and see where we'll go from there. It just that this ML is starting to consume every aspect of my life, and I'm not liking how I'm turning out lately.


How do you all ML handle your frustrations??

Avatar for xploziv1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 9:16pm

I can't help but wonder if your husband likes to be in control, particularly with the large age gap (not that I see anything wrong with the gap, since the same gap exists between me and my BF).

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 10:58pm

So, I talked with Hubby tonight, which didn't go well. But I expected that though, just based on our past conversations regarding our sex life.


He keeps reterirating that it'll be just like me few years later down the road, and that maybe he'll be the one "suffering" but to at least hang in anyway, because sex should not be the be all. He said people our age should be settling for more substance, as opposed to something as trivial with sex. This is precisely what I meant earlier on when I talked about his dismissive attitude.


Control? It is a factor. He got issues, that I'm just beginning to realize it's just the tip of the iceburg! I've dated older men, so I knew what is a relationship with compromise is like. Lately, I'm NOT feeling that with my husband at all. Hence the resentment lately I have.


It's strange, because prior to about 3-5 months ago, it was just the sexual issue that's an issue. However, ever siince we bought ourselves the house last dec, I'm beginning to think it's not JUST the sex issue, or is it that my dissatification with our sexual life is spilling into all areas of our lives, magifasting the issues 10 times bigger??


Sometimes I'd feel like even if he gotten his drive back, I'm not really all that interested in having sex with HIM, simply because of HOW he's making me feel about myself?


Anyone experience that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 11:15pm
"It's strange, because prior to about 3-5 months ago, it was just the sexual issue that's an issue. However, ever siince we bought ourselves the house last dec, I'm beginning to think it's not JUST the sex issue, or is it that my dissatification with our sexual life is spilling into all areas of our lives, magifasting the issues 10 times bigger??

Sometimes I'd feel like even if he gotten his drive back, I'm not really all that interested in having sex with HIM, simply because of HOW he's making me feel about myself?


Anyone experience that? "


Call it the chicken and egg. :-)

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 06-17-2008 - 10:15am

>>>>> He said people our age should be settling for more substance, as opposed to something as trivial with sex.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
Tue, 06-17-2008 - 10:18am

<<<...but to at least hang in anyway, because sex should not be the be all.

 

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