Affair? Divorce? What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Affair? Divorce? What to do?
6
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 4:41am

Hello all--


First I would like to say what an enormous relief it is to know I am far from alone in this. I have never done any 'research' on this matter before and I was surprised to find such a fantastic message board with genuine people giving and receiving such support.


My story may be similar to some others and truthfully I wasn't sure where I should post as there were several categories I could relate to. Here goes...


My husband and I have been married only a year and a half and I have spent every day of that wondering what the heck is wrong with him. What happened? First of all, he should consider himself lucky he has a wife who is so receptive and willing considering I know plenty who aren't. It is no secret that I would like

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 8:10am

"Do I continue my life unhappy with my husband in the bedroom or cut my losses? He is genuinely a nice guy and we get along great except for this MAJOR issue which is seriously starting to damage every other aspect of our lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2006
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 4:27am

Have you sat him down and tell you exactly how this situation makes you feel? Have you described the hurt, disappointment, and how you feel like he tricked you into marriage? If so, what was his response?

I think at this point, because you are considering an affair, the two of you need to see counselling. If he isn't prepared to go, and therefore work on your marriage, then you need to assess if you can continue on with this marriage.

Look at your options for staying, for leaving, and weigh up the advantages and disadvantages, and look at a realistic time frame for which you could leave him, if necessary (including emotional, financial, etc). If you left him, would it be possible for you to move back home to be closer to your friends?

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2008
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 5:37pm

Hi, Nikki.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2008
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 12:06pm

First, let me tell you that you are not wrong in feeling this way, especially if DH was not this way before you married him. Feels like false advertising, doesn't it? The problem is that you now have to find a way to compromise the best you can if you want to stay married.

The good news is that you "get along famously" so there's hope (even though you say it's starting to damage the other aspects of your relationship). The ML thing hasn't been going on long enough for it to really sour your feelings for each other. If you've already flat out told him the problem and tried to talk to him about it, with no results, then perhaps it's time to give him the ultimatum that you need to seek counseling and tell him that if he refuses, you will divorce him and be prepared to follow through. It's a marriage of short duration, and I assume there's no children, so while it will hurt, at least you won't be living the rest of your life like this.

The affair opportunity is another, separate question. I can certainly understand your need to be desired, and the attention you are having lavished on you by your old school friend is making you realize that what you're getting from DH is not enough. We so-called HLs want more from our spouses than friendship, we want that passion that you can only get from and give to your partner (otherwise you could buy a puppy). But realize that if you enter into an affair with him, that you are probably putting the stake in the heart of your marriage. Do you want to have an affair with him because you want the attention, or do you also have feelings for him that you want to explore? If the latter, I would suggest making sure there's nothing salvageable in your marriage and leaving first so you can be free to see old friend again and if it goes somewhere, follow through with it. Otherwise, you will be trapped in a horrible place, married to a friend whom you don't love like a lover, and loving a lover to whom you are not married. Is he married? That should impact your decision too.

I'm glad I found this board too. I battled with my LL husband for years, we were married for 27 years and the last 7 he became LL for various reasons including internet porn and drugs. I tried everything except marriage counseling (I know it wouldn't work, because the other person has to go into it with the expectation that both people will have to try to make some changes, and I knew he wouldn't). I'm 48 and finally got out 4 months ago, divorce will be final the end of this year. Scary, but life must be lived. Chances must be taken. Are you ready to issue an ultimatum? I think that's the crossroads where you're at, THEN worry about the affair opportunity with old school friend. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Sat, 07-05-2008 - 3:55am

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post. I am grateful to have the rational advice you all have given me at a time when I am feeling rather irrational.


I did attempt once again to discuss this with my husband. I was very careful as not to be accusatory or over-emotional and he was receptive as usual but I suspect it will go in one ear and out the other as it has the previous countless times I have tried to explain it to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sat, 07-05-2008 - 9:33am

"I'm sure he will try to "step it up" for a few days and then I will have to struggle with the