Already left because of ML

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2008
Already left because of ML
4
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 2:34am

I am posting here because I really need some support and advice. I have been married now for a year and before that we had dated for about 2 1/2 years. In the beginning we had frequent and good sex. I had just gotten out of a really bad relationship and was just so happy to have a really great and sweet and protective guy. I should say I am now 24 and he is 27. About a year after we started dating we got into some pretty bad debt together. We went to school together and lived off of his credit cards while we tried to make it in new careers. It didn't work out for either of us. We are now filing for bankruptcy. At about the time that we got into debt lots changed between us. I remember it was around the first time he denied me of sex. I have always had a HL and according to him he has always had a LL. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night or honeymoon. I have always been faithful to him in our whole relationship. No matter how much I needed more affection and intimacy I said I would never hurt him. But... in the last 7 months the rejection has taken its toll on me. I have cried myself to sleep because of the fact my man lays in bed (knowing for a fact I want him) and makes the decision to roll over and fall asleep. I have even cried while on my treadmill because of the fact that I know that no matter how good I make myself look he still doesn't even notice. So, I decided that I had to leave. I have so much more life and I have so much passion to share with a man who wants it. I have moved in with my Grandma and some days I am doing good. But I can't help but feel an extreme amount of guilt. I have told him as openly and nicely as possible that I need passion and intimacy to feel alive and like myself. He knows what I need and he still makes the decision every day to not give me anything. He told me the other day that he is the kind of man who will do the least that he can and that he wont change. So, why can't I stop feeling so guilty? Am I doing the right thing? We still love each other so much. But if I go through with this divorce we will not be in each others lives anymore. The thing is I always wanted him, I was always attracted to him, and the rejection because of that want and attraction is just to much to bare. I just know that I could not even imagine seeing him with another woman. I am afraid to loose this man. Yet I know I need more. I feel like I am living a lie. Does anyone who was able to bare through this long post know of anything I can do? Anyone else been in a similar situation and did things get better or worse?

Also, he doesn't even like to kiss me passionately or hold my hand. Just thought I would throw that in :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 8:19am

Sounds like an open-shut case to me. Cut your losses now, before you get into more serious "debt" (i.e., children). Easier said than done, I realize, but he has specifically told you that he doesn't intend to change. To be fair to him, I wouldn't call it ENTIRELY a "decision." If the flesh doesn't rise to the occasion, the spirit won't follow. It sounds like he has a partial aversion to sexual contact (as evidenced by his lack of interest in kissing you passionately), which is not at all uncommon among LLs. Sorry I can't be more optimistic about the relationship, but to my mind it's just not a match. Nobody's fault, nothing to feel guilty about, it just is.

JMHO Freelance

p.s. OMG, I just looked at your user name in more detail. If you're TTC, do yourself a favour and put those plans on hold. If you have kids together, you'll feel more trapped and miserable than ever.




Edited 2/19/2009 8:22 am ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2009
Wed, 02-25-2009 - 12:37pm

My hubby pushes me away every time I try to kiss him. We might have sex once a month and no affection in between. On Valentine's Day he never even told me he loved me. I'm 30 and he's 34, we have 3 beautiful boys and not married. He won't marry me because he's been divorced and doesn't want to go through that again. My feelings are hurt everyday when I get nothing from him. There are times I dress up and feel good and he'll tell me my boobs aren't big enough. He knows I want more but refuses to do it, he actually makes the choice to hurt my feelings.

I've also got to add the days we have sex it lasts maybe 30 seconds, just long enough for him and then nothing for another month. I beg you not to let your situation get as far as mine. Our kids love him so much and it breaks my heart to think about leaving him and having them not see him everyday.

If there aren't kiddos involved I suggest strongly to keep to your guns and make the split, things aren't going to get ant better. Sorry!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 12:35pm

I have cried myself to sleep because of the fact my man lays in bed (knowing for a fact I want him) and makes the decision to roll over and fall asleep. I have even cried while on my treadmill because of the fact that I know that no matter how good I make myself look he still doesn't even notice. So, I decided that I had to leave. I have so much more life and I have so much passion to share with a man who wants it...But I can't help but feel an extreme amount of guilt. I have told him as openly and nicely as possible that I need passion and intimacy to feel alive and like myself. He knows what I need and he still makes the decision every day to not give me anything. He told me the other day that he is the kind of man who will do the least that he can and that he wont change. So, why can't I stop feeling so guilty? Am I doing the right thing? ...The thing is I always wanted him, I was always attracted to him, and the rejection because of that want and attraction is just to much to bare. ...I am afraid to loose this man. Yet I know I need more. I feel like I am living a lie. Does anyone who was able to bare through this long post know of anything I can do? Anyone else been in a similar situation and did things get better or worse?


First of all, I agree with the other posters: Do not conceive in the middle of this situation. It will only make your life worse.


Second, you seem intelligent and able to handle this. You know what you need and you know that you need to find another man to provide it. Your problem seems to be the experience of shame. He's not trying to make you feel ashamed of yourself or feel inadequate or lacking. He just doesn't have the internal switches to respond to you sexually. Your feeling of wanting more is not a bad feeling, it's nothing for you to feel ashamed about. It's the thing that will drive you to a more healthy relationship. The part of you that feels that you don't measure up is only seeing the lack of his libido. The part of you that feels that you're bad for wanting to leave needs to understand that leaving may be necessary for you to be whole. I think you need to teach yourself to accept your own thoughts and feelings and not be ashamed of your needs. I've been through this and wish I were in your shoes right now, not my own. Taking a gamble that it will get better is a long shot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2008
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 2:16pm

I am in a very simular situation.