Already left because of ML
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|Thu, 02-19-2009 - 2:34am|
I am posting here because I really need some support and advice. I have been married now for a year and before that we had dated for about 2 1/2 years. In the beginning we had frequent and good sex. I had just gotten out of a really bad relationship and was just so happy to have a really great and sweet and protective guy. I should say I am now 24 and he is 27. About a year after we started dating we got into some pretty bad debt together. We went to school together and lived off of his credit cards while we tried to make it in new careers. It didn't work out for either of us. We are now filing for bankruptcy. At about the time that we got into debt lots changed between us. I remember it was around the first time he denied me of sex. I have always had a HL and according to him he has always had a LL. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night or honeymoon. I have always been faithful to him in our whole relationship. No matter how much I needed more affection and intimacy I said I would never hurt him. But... in the last 7 months the rejection has taken its toll on me. I have cried myself to sleep because of the fact my man lays in bed (knowing for a fact I want him) and makes the decision to roll over and fall asleep. I have even cried while on my treadmill because of the fact that I know that no matter how good I make myself look he still doesn't even notice. So, I decided that I had to leave. I have so much more life and I have so much passion to share with a man who wants it. I have moved in with my Grandma and some days I am doing good. But I can't help but feel an extreme amount of guilt. I have told him as openly and nicely as possible that I need passion and intimacy to feel alive and like myself. He knows what I need and he still makes the decision every day to not give me anything. He told me the other day that he is the kind of man who will do the least that he can and that he wont change. So, why can't I stop feeling so guilty? Am I doing the right thing? We still love each other so much. But if I go through with this divorce we will not be in each others lives anymore. The thing is I always wanted him, I was always attracted to him, and the rejection because of that want and attraction is just to much to bare. I just know that I could not even imagine seeing him with another woman. I am afraid to loose this man. Yet I know I need more. I feel like I am living a lie. Does anyone who was able to bare through this long post know of anything I can do? Anyone else been in a similar situation and did things get better or worse?
Also, he doesn't even like to kiss me passionately or hold my hand. Just thought I would throw that in :-)