Am I just kidding myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Am I just kidding myself?
61
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 2:02pm

If you don't remember the back story, I have been with my BF for a year and a half. He is 35 and I am 32. Due to his diabetes he suffers from ED and we have never had intercourse. Despite controlling his diabetes very well, and trying every treatment for ED short of surgery, nothing has worked. There has been some improvement, but for now it seems to be as good as it's going to get. He may possibly be entering some clinical trials, but I have zero expecations since it's another form of a drug he has already tried. I can no longer hold out hope when he tries something new. For my own sanity. I have just accepted that this is the way things are and will be.

You know how in stories when someone sells their soul to the devil, they get what they ask for but there's always a catch? That's how I feel sometimes. He is so sweet, loving, affectionate. He's never raised his voice to me. He's a good communicator. He's responsible. He's good to my daughter and she likes him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 2:37pm

It sounds to me that you, like most people, are just going to find some reason or another to be unhappy instead of being grateful for what you have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 3:12pm
It's not that. I'm happy. I'm just scared of making another mistake. I was married for five years. After that I was in a relationship for four. In both cases sexual incompatibility was a large part of the relationship ending, and I stayed hoping it would get better. Then again, those other two relationships were unhealthy in many other ways, and the sex was far from the only issue.

I am afraid that at some point in the future I will look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I don't want to be that person who ignores a red flag and then has to get myself out of the mess again. I don't even know if this IS a red flag. I have talked myself into believing things weren't important before. How do I figure out if I'm doing that again?

If your partner meets 99% of your needs but that 1% is a deal breaker then it doesn't matter how perfect they are for you otherwise. I just don't know if this is a deal breaker. I don't know any women who would marry someone they have never had intercourse with and would not be able to have intercourse with. I don't feel that way right now, but the fact that I am in the far minority has not escaped me, and it makes me really nervous.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 4:26pm

I don't know any women who would marry someone they have never had intercourse with and would not be able to have intercourse with. I don't feel that way right now, but the fact that I am in the far minority has not escaped me, and it makes me really nervous.

Are you really in the minority?

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 5:27pm
I think we have discussed this before. You have had several relationships with LL men. The common denominator is you. You seem to choose LL men. Before you decide to marry (or not), think long and hard about why this is.

Most likely it is this: He is so sweet, loving, affectionate. He's never raised his voice to me. He's a good communicator. He's responsible. He's good to my daughter and she likes him. He makes me feel valued and desired. He's very sexy to me.

You choose guys who are very "nice". Very sweet. Can you find a guy who is that sweet and also has a substantial libido? Yes, but you will have to be on the lookout.

As we have written before, guys who desire sex are going to notice other women. They are going to stare at your chest and butt. They may grab at you. Or all of the above. Even when you are not in the mood. If you exclude any guy who displays any "piggish" behavior right from the get go, you are going to skew your partners toward LLS.

So look deeply inside yourself. Are you willing to tolerate the obnoxious / unwanted attention from a guy with a decent sized libido? If so, then seriously consider breaking up with Mr. Sweety Pie and go looking for Mr. I want to rip off your clothes tonight.

But if you are going to get annoyed when Mr. I Want You Now makes his move on the night you were planning to relax and read a book, then focus yourself on what you have and not on what you are missing. Only you know which will bother you more. Wishing you the best, as this is not an easy decision.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 5:33pm

...excellent response Hold...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 5:40pm
"Are you really in the minority? It seems to me that there are plenty of women would be just fine never having sex, not even the kind that you are having."

Fair enough, but I am not and have never been one of them.

"As far as whether this is a dealbreaker or not, only you can know that."

I know. And I'm pretty sure I know what the answer is. I just don't know if the nagging doubts will ever go away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 5:54pm
Maybe I've given you an inaccurate picture of both my current BF and my past relationships.

First, both of my past partners were piggish. They were not nice and sweet. They were A-holes. I don't know that they were LL so much as the relationships just became irreparably broken and that showed itself in our sex lives.

Second, I would not generally categorize my BF as LL. When he's not dealing with major health problems that have drained him, I'd say he's probably pretty average. He does grab at me, stare at me, make lewd comments, notice other women. Not constantly but often enough. As far as me, there's no such thing as unwanted attention or me not being in the mood.

But despite my BF's fairly healthy libido there is one thing he can't give me. And my fear is that at some point in the future it will not be enough anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 6:23pm
I know that I have posted here lots of times before, and I'm sorry I haven't solved my dilemma yet. Please understand it's that I have no one I can talk to about this. I can pretend that it doesn't break my heart sometimes, but I'd only be pretending.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 6:48pm
Some of the regulars use this as a safe place to vent......I don't see why you shouldn't also.......Sometimes being stuck between a rock and a hard place is the best we can do in this life.....a safe place where people can get their head around your issues and at least understand your dilemma might help....pull up a rock and stay awhile.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Thu, 06-09-2011 - 9:10pm
Thank you for getting where I'm coming from. In every other way this relationship is a dream come true. I feel bad even complaining about it, but it's not easy for me all the time. Most of the time I feel very satisfied with our sex life but certain things trigger me, like sex scenes in movies and sex tips in magazines. It makes me sad and I feel utterly alone. And I can't tell him that I feel sad because he feels sh---- enough about it as it is. I think few people can appreciate what a major sense of loss this causes us, especially at such a young age. It feels so unfair.

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