Am I just kidding myself?
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| Thu, 06-09-2011 - 2:02pm |
If you don't remember the back story, I have been with my BF for a year and a half. He is 35 and I am 32. Due to his diabetes he suffers from ED and we have never had intercourse. Despite controlling his diabetes very well, and trying every treatment for ED short of surgery, nothing has worked. There has been some improvement, but for now it seems to be as good as it's going to get. He may possibly be entering some clinical trials, but I have zero expecations since it's another form of a drug he has already tried. I can no longer hold out hope when he tries something new. For my own sanity. I have just accepted that this is the way things are and will be.
You know how in stories when someone sells their soul to the devil, they get what they ask for but there's always a catch? That's how I feel sometimes. He is so sweet, loving, affectionate. He's never raised his voice to me. He's a good communicator. He's responsible. He's good to my daughter and she likes him.
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It sounds to me that you, like most people, are just going to find some reason or another to be unhappy instead of being grateful for what you have.
I am afraid that at some point in the future I will look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I don't want to be that person who ignores a red flag and then has to get myself out of the mess again. I don't even know if this IS a red flag. I have talked myself into believing things weren't important before. How do I figure out if I'm doing that again?
If your partner meets 99% of your needs but that 1% is a deal breaker then it doesn't matter how perfect they are for you otherwise. I just don't know if this is a deal breaker. I don't know any women who would marry someone they have never had intercourse with and would not be able to have intercourse with. I don't feel that way right now, but the fact that I am in the far minority has not escaped me, and it makes me really nervous.
I don't know any women who would marry someone they have never had intercourse with and would not be able to have intercourse with. I don't feel that way right now, but the fact that I am in the far minority has not escaped me, and it makes me really nervous.
Are you really in the minority?
Most likely it is this: He is so sweet, loving, affectionate. He's never raised his voice to me. He's a good communicator. He's responsible. He's good to my daughter and she likes him. He makes me feel valued and desired. He's very sexy to me.
You choose guys who are very "nice". Very sweet. Can you find a guy who is that sweet and also has a substantial libido? Yes, but you will have to be on the lookout.
As we have written before, guys who desire sex are going to notice other women. They are going to stare at your chest and butt. They may grab at you. Or all of the above. Even when you are not in the mood. If you exclude any guy who displays any "piggish" behavior right from the get go, you are going to skew your partners toward LLS.
So look deeply inside yourself. Are you willing to tolerate the obnoxious / unwanted attention from a guy with a decent sized libido? If so, then seriously consider breaking up with Mr. Sweety Pie and go looking for Mr. I want to rip off your clothes tonight.
But if you are going to get annoyed when Mr. I Want You Now makes his move on the night you were planning to relax and read a book, then focus yourself on what you have and not on what you are missing. Only you know which will bother you more. Wishing you the best, as this is not an easy decision.
When you see it coming, duck!
...excellent response Hold...
Fair enough, but I am not and have never been one of them.
"As far as whether this is a dealbreaker or not, only you can know that."
I know. And I'm pretty sure I know what the answer is. I just don't know if the nagging doubts will ever go away.
First, both of my past partners were piggish. They were not nice and sweet. They were A-holes. I don't know that they were LL so much as the relationships just became irreparably broken and that showed itself in our sex lives.
Second, I would not generally categorize my BF as LL. When he's not dealing with major health problems that have drained him, I'd say he's probably pretty average. He does grab at me, stare at me, make lewd comments, notice other women. Not constantly but often enough. As far as me, there's no such thing as unwanted attention or me not being in the mood.
But despite my BF's fairly healthy libido there is one thing he can't give me. And my fear is that at some point in the future it will not be enough anymore.
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