Backwards Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2009
Backwards Relationship
1
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 5:11pm

Let me first say that relationship I'm in is completely backwards. The only way it could be more backwards is if I had his equipment and he had mine, okay? But here's the thing... I want sex all the time. He... doesn't. He doesn't even care. I get horny at the drop of a hat, and I'm sure he likes sex... but he won't initiate it. I always have to make the first move. The first kiss, the first touch, everything! It drives me nuts that I can't get him as hot and bothered as he gets me.


What am I doing wrong? How can I make him make the first move? I've already talked to him, but he's one of those generous people-pleaser types that never wants anything.


Including me, apparently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 11:40am
Let me first say that relationship I'm in is completely backwards. The only way it could be more backwards is if I had his equipment and he had mine, okay? But here's the thing... I want sex all the time. He... doesn't. He doesn't even care. I get horny at the drop of a hat, and I'm sure he likes sex... but he won't initiate it. I always have to make the first move. The first kiss, the first touch, everything! It drives me nuts that I can't get him as hot and bothered as he gets me.

What am I doing wrong? How can I make him make the first move? I've already talked to him, but he's one of those generous people-pleaser types that never wants anything.


First of all, it's interesting that you characterize the relationship as "backwards". This, coupled with the rest of your post indicate that you came into the relationship with a constellation of expectations about his role and your role that apparently don't match his expectations. Can you imagine a world where the roles in relationships are negotiated by the partners from the beginning, where the roles are not pre-defined? To a large extent, that is the world we live in and the world your partner lives in, the world in which you find yourself. I think a great deal of your apparent frustration, the feeling that you are doing something wrong, stems from the fact that your expectations are out of synch with the actual conditions of reality. There is no "rule" that says that men are to initiate sex all of the time or most of the time or ever. If that was the case when your relationships started, then it appears that your partner at some point grew dissatisfied with that. There is no "rule" that says that men are to have higher sex drives.


Having said all that, I empathize with the mismatch in sex drives. I've been there and it's not fun. It's frustrating. But I wonder: when you initiate sex, does he respond? If he responded every time you initiated sex, would that be a satisfying sex life for you? Would the frequency, intensity and the general sexual feedback you get be adequate?


If not, I'm afraid you may be in a relationship that will ultimately be unsatisfying for you if the sexual part of the relationship is critical to your overall satisfaction with the relationship. I don't have much faith in our power to persuade other people to make permanent changes in their attitudes and behaviors, especially things as basic as how much they feel like initiating sex. Few of us feel satisfied with mercy sex, pity sex, begrudging sex, or whatever you want to call it. And an obligated come-on is as good as no come-on to me; I don't know how you feel about it. Making that kind of a fundamental personal change seems beyond hope to me. Your opinion may differ.


So, I guess my next question is: where is this relationship? Dating? Courting? Engaged? Married? Married with kids?