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|Tue, 07-01-2008 - 8:34am|
It's been a while since I've posted. Lots of ups and downs in my relationship with DW, but that's a longer story for later. Brief background recap: DW and I been married for 12 years, together for 16, and have 2 children. She's the LL and I'm the HL.
Recently, DW and I had a discussion about what I called "Bedroom Manners" and her apparent lack of them. I wanted to see what other thought of this concept of bedroom manners.
Here's the basics: bedroom manners are how you approach the physical space of the bed and bedroom that you share with your spouse. How you act at bedtime, what you do or do not do when either you or your spouse climb into bed at night whether it be individually or together.
For example, my DW and I rarely go to bed at the same time. After the kids are down and we have some "alone" time, we'll watch TV or do light housework or whatever. Eventually one of us will drift toward the bed. When I make the suggestion that we both head off to bed, she'll often refuse saying that she's involved in this TV program, but she rarely makes it through an entire show because she falls asleep on the couch.
When I go to bed before her, I will clear it from any laundry or miscellaneous crap that might be on it, remove all the decorative pillows from the bed, straighten the sheets & covers, and "turn down" her side. This is what I call GOOD bedroom manners.
When DW goes to be before me, she'll just move the pillows on her side of the bed and crawl under the covers with no consideration to the rest of the bed. If there is laundry on the bed, she won't even take the time to clear it off. This is an example of BAD bedroom manners.
But the concept of bedroom manners doesn't stop there.
On the few occasions that we do actually go to bed at the same time (after I've done all the clearing and prep on the bed area) her body language is a loud and clear deterrent from any intimacy and textbook bad bedroom manners.
The normal situation plays out like this: She gets into bed and immediately turns her back to me, lying on her side (bad bedroom manners). She often sleeps near the edge of the bed so she can let her feet hang out of the covers because she hates it when her feet get hot in bed. So here I am, with two-thirds of a queen-sized bed all to my self.
There is no effort on her part for hugging, no cuddling, not even a good-night kiss (again, Bad Bedroom Manners). When I mention it to her to at least get a good night kiss, she will just turn her head toward me and pucker her lips...she doesn't turn her body toward me, she doesn't make any effort to meet me halfway, or even seem to care if our lips met or not (BBM). When we do kiss, it's as cold and passionless as one from a long-lost relative...in fact, I call those kinds of kisses "Aunty Mary" kisses.
In my opinion, her Bad Bedroom Manners show a pattern of behavior that abhors intimacy and she does everything in her power, either consciously or unconsciously, to avoid a situation where we may get intimate.
What other behaviors that describe good or bad bedroom manners do you have in your relationship? What do you guys think about this concept? What are some things that I can do to help my DW see that her Bedroom Manners are part of a larger problem?