Bedroom manners

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2006
Bedroom manners
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 8:34am

Hi All-
It's been a while since I've posted. Lots of ups and downs in my relationship with DW, but that's a longer story for later. Brief background recap: DW and I been married for 12 years, together for 16, and have 2 children. She's the LL and I'm the HL.

Recently, DW and I had a discussion about what I called "Bedroom Manners" and her apparent lack of them. I wanted to see what other thought of this concept of bedroom manners.

Here's the basics: bedroom manners are how you approach the physical space of the bed and bedroom that you share with your spouse. How you act at bedtime, what you do or do not do when either you or your spouse climb into bed at night whether it be individually or together.

For example, my DW and I rarely go to bed at the same time. After the kids are down and we have some "alone" time, we'll watch TV or do light housework or whatever. Eventually one of us will drift toward the bed. When I make the suggestion that we both head off to bed, she'll often refuse saying that she's involved in this TV program, but she rarely makes it through an entire show because she falls asleep on the couch.

When I go to bed before her, I will clear it from any laundry or miscellaneous crap that might be on it, remove all the decorative pillows from the bed, straighten the sheets & covers, and "turn down" her side. This is what I call GOOD bedroom manners.
When DW goes to be before me, she'll just move the pillows on her side of the bed and crawl under the covers with no consideration to the rest of the bed. If there is laundry on the bed, she won't even take the time to clear it off. This is an example of BAD bedroom manners.

But the concept of bedroom manners doesn't stop there.

On the few occasions that we do actually go to bed at the same time (after I've done all the clearing and prep on the bed area) her body language is a loud and clear deterrent from any intimacy and textbook bad bedroom manners.
The normal situation plays out like this: She gets into bed and immediately turns her back to me, lying on her side (bad bedroom manners). She often sleeps near the edge of the bed so she can let her feet hang out of the covers because she hates it when her feet get hot in bed. So here I am, with two-thirds of a queen-sized bed all to my self.
There is no effort on her part for hugging, no cuddling, not even a good-night kiss (again, Bad Bedroom Manners). When I mention it to her to at least get a good night kiss, she will just turn her head toward me and pucker her lips...she doesn't turn her body toward me, she doesn't make any effort to meet me halfway, or even seem to care if our lips met or not (BBM). When we do kiss, it's as cold and passionless as one from a long-lost fact, I call those kinds of kisses "Aunty Mary" kisses.

In my opinion, her Bad Bedroom Manners show a pattern of behavior that abhors intimacy and she does everything in her power, either consciously or unconsciously, to avoid a situation where we may get intimate.

What other behaviors that describe good or bad bedroom manners do you have in your relationship? What do you guys think about this concept? What are some things that I can do to help my DW see that her Bedroom Manners are part of a larger problem?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 10:24am
Just my opinion, as my wife exhibits some of this behavior, they know we are looking for any sign to act on. So, by giving us this behavior, they are basically giving us a very good hint/suggestion we should not even give it a thought to make any moves on them. In a way, I guess you can appreciate this approach if you are with a woman that is very hard to figure out. My wife has usually already given me the hint by saying she has a headache or she is very tired when I walk in from work each day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 10:26am

I like your concept of bedroom manners.

What did she say when you discussed the issue with her?

The answer probably isn't to fight fire with fire, but what if you just pushed everything onto her side?

There was some discussion here before about seperate beds, how do you think that would go over? If you arent' getting any kind of bed intimacy anyway, not even any touching, or a half hearted snuggle.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2006
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 10:45am

My wife also displays a lot of "mystery" ailments as the sun goes down. She can be acting fine all day, but when bedtime approaches, she suddenly comes down with a "headache she's been suffering from all day" or her "stomach is upset from something".

I didn't even broach that topic with her!

Her response to my bedroom manners theory was that I was crazy and she has never heard of anything such as "bedroom manners" and that I had made it up. Well I had made it up, but only as a method to address some of her questionable intimacy-avoidance tactics.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 11:12am

My wife gets about 2 hours more sleep than me on average and sometimes will take a nap, as she stays home with our kids. Granted, kids will wear you out, but ours are not exactly terrible two's any longer so I have never understood how she is so tired all the time. The headache excuse, well, she has a headache every day and yes has asked the doctor whom just shrugged it off. I may have a headache once every month so I just can't relate.

I guess I am thankful that her excuses usually greet me at the door. So, I don't even give sex any consideration, even if I have been thinking about it all day. It is gone like the wind as soon as I hear those words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 11:32pm

First of all, in our bedroom, LAUNDRY IS NEVER ON THE BED. What is laundry doing on your BED? I don't understand this. The hamper with dirty clothes is taken to the laundry area. The laundry is washed, dried, folded. (always by me, but that's for another thread, lol) The laundry is taken upstairs to the bedroom and put away, usually by me. (By the way, we both work outside the home.) How does the laundry get on the BED?? And the decorative pillows, we have NONE. Sorry, I can't be bothered with decorative pillows. Unless Sunset Magazine is waiting to do

Avatar for moondesert
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 9:58am
But let's be honest for a moment. If your wife did start displaying "good" bedroom manners, cleared the laundry from the bed, cuddled up to you and gave you passionate kisses, you would probably try to make sexual moves on her. Then she'd have to reject you. She is LL and doesn't want to have sex, so it doesn't make any sense for her to display behaviors that make you think she does want it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 11:50am

Yep, I believe this is so very true.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 12:18pm

>>>>> As an example, if my wife rolls over and wants to cuddle, even if

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2007
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 12:40pm

>>Most wives, I believe don't enjoy saying no, they know it hurts us but they just simply don't want to be with us physically. Because they get sex when they want it, they have no way to really relate/understand how much the rejection hurts us to our core.<<

You may be wrong about this. One reason your wife may avoid having to say no is because she is acutely -- intuitively aware of how much it hurts

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 7:04pm
Just a thought but maybe you need to start the correct manners before the bedroom. I mean if you make her feel really appreciate and beautiful before bedtime she might feel like responding to you in the bedroom. It seems like she is making a strong statement to you and you are not hearing her. What did you do in your dating honeymoon stage that made her feel like treating you like a stud? I am sure