been thinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
been thinking
29
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 1:23am
I think it's understandable that I have had the reservations I do. Even the law allows a marriage that hasn't been consummated to be annulled. As if it never happened. But on the other hand, gay marriages and polygamous marriages aren't even legal, but that doesn't mean they can't work or aren't real somehow. I've been worrying too much about what is "normal" and in the grsnd scheme it doesn't matter if our relationship is normal.

I know that in my gut this is where I want to be. I know that I'm happier than I've ever been, and my whole thought process hasn't even been whether or not I should leave but whether or not this can last. I think it can, and I want it to.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 11:19pm
I'm not staying with him for fear of what others would think of me if I left. Even if I were going to leave over this it's not like I'd be telling everyone. I don't need anything to keep me from leaving because I don't *want* to leave. What I want is to hear from somone that I'm not crazy for thinking this can work long term. My previous relationships have left me pretty paranoid. It's like I'm sitting around all the time watching and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Only maybe the shoe already fell, and it wasn't really that bad of a shoe anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 6:50am

...I am confused?...you want us to tell you that a relationship in which you aren't having intercourse and about which you've described your sex life as a "big" missing piece of information that your friends don't have can work?...I guess it depends on your definitiion of "work"...if you can live the rest of your life with a man that can't have conventional sex with you; if you can live this life feeling fulfilled and sexually satisfied, then yes...it will probably work as long as other relationship issues like stress, and money problems and kid stresses and sick parents and all of those other things that make life a tad difficult don't test your bond...I am not sure why you are so against saying "yes, the lack of intercourse bothers me" as that is what your posts scream...but, if there is even a little fissure at the beginning stages of a relationship, it will become a canyon...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 11:25am
I see it more as a cut or scrape that will heal over time if I can manage to leave it alone for long enough. It might itch sometimes or be painful if bumped into, but if I pick at it, it will get bigger and get infected. The more I am able to just let it heal the less of a scar there will be, and over time that can fade too.

In the same way, my friends and family might think I look perfectly healthy if they can't see the bandaged up cut uner my clothing. If I look healthy then that probably means it's not affecting me systemically to the point where I can't hide it any longer, so yeah, that's something. But it's still there, and is still information they don't have, so their thoughts and observations about the state of my health can only help so much.

So, how I feel right now is that it's healing. It's not nearly as big and painful as it used to be, even though it still hurts sometimes. More importantly, I fully realize that he is not the one who cut me. He's hurt too. If it were getting worse then I wouldn't have much hope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2011
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 7:00am
I completely understand all that you have said, when it comes down to it it's really the love and friendship, companionship that is what we are here for! Can't buy what you have, a lot of people envy it. There are ways to work around it and just go with what is comfortable between you and your partner :-) good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Fri, 07-15-2011 - 5:20am
<< What I want is to hear from somone that I'm not crazy for thinking this can work long term. >>

I hope this doesn't sound callous, but when reading your posts I keep thinking there may not be a "long term" because of his uncontrolled and complicated diabetes. I'm not saying a serious illness is a reason to leave, but IMO it's not a reason to stay, either.

Freelance
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 07-15-2011 - 8:18am

...that's exactly right...along with what I feel is a thought process of "how can I leave such a nice guy when he's sick and his issues are not his fault" is the added "and my daughter loves him"...and, the "he's the most stable, giving, loving man I've been with"...those may be great reasons to stay in a relationship but only if the thought process of "my needs are being me" is added in...(not just sexual needs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Fri, 07-15-2011 - 11:47am
I am fully aware of the fact that as he gets older this may ger worse. He could lose a limb, or the remainder of his eyesight, or he could die at too young of an age. I'd be lying if I said that didn't scare the crap out of me. But I don't think that's a gooe reason to leave someone. Anyone can get sick, get hurt, or die young. Dating someone who is healthier carries no.guarantees.

I do feel that currently my needs are being met. I also know that I'm a very anxious person. The last guy I dated before my BF dumped me out of the blue after five months. It was totally unexpected and I was extremely hurt by it. When BF and I got to aroind the four month mark I started freaking out. I was just constantly sure that he was having second thoughts about being with me, despite there being no evidence of that. Once I realized what was going on with myself it got easier. I was able to talk myself down.

Maybe that's what this is about. If there is nothing to worry about I will find something. This would continue no matter who I was with unless I work on changing it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 07-15-2011 - 11:56am
>>Maybe that's what this is about. If there is nothing to worry about I will find something. This would continue no matter who I was with unless I work on changing it. <<

I think that this is a very astute observation. You seem to be the type who looks for things to be "wrong." (Apologies for assumptions made, I'm just giving my non-professional armchair psychology observations of your eclectinc postings on this message board...not much to go on.) You need to learn to relax and get inside the moment more, and not let what "could" happen consume you so much, imo. Of course I frequently need to do the same, so it's easy for me to give this kind of flip advice...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Sun, 07-24-2011 - 10:59pm
Kind of an update... not worth starting a new thread though probably.

So I was reading a book on kindle aimed at couples facing ED and intimacy issues after prostate cancer. They had a pretty comprehensive listing of various treatment options and all the benefits and drawbacks to them, and there was one I had never heard of. It's kind of a semi-rigid support sleeve that's open where the glans is. It's supposed to work even if completely flaccid.

I sent him a link to the manufacturor's site and told him about it. He just said, "ok" and nothing else, which frustrated me. I told him it was really difficult for me to bring this stuff up because I always felt like I was wounding him or making him feel inadequate, since I often have no feedback to go on. And the last thing I want to do is hurt him. He said I shouldn't feel that way, it's just an uncomfortable topic and he worries sometimes that I'm not happy. I asked why he thought I might not be happy, and he said, "I just don't see why you *would* be."

We talked a lot more about it. He asked what other stuff was in the book and what the title was. I told him if anything it reassured me that most of the issues that seem to go along with impotence in relationships, we just don't seem to have. I do wish he wasn't so hard on himself. I wish he could see in himself what I see. I hate that he feels like he doesn't deserve me. I hate that I can't "fix" it.

Anyway he ordered one of the support sleeves, and while it seems pretty promising I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I know it's going to be ok even if it doesn't work, but it's so hard to get your hopes up and nothing happens. It's hard for both of us.

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