been thinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
been thinking
29
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 1:23am
I think it's understandable that I have had the reservations I do. Even the law allows a marriage that hasn't been consummated to be annulled. As if it never happened. But on the other hand, gay marriages and polygamous marriages aren't even legal, but that doesn't mean they can't work or aren't real somehow. I've been worrying too much about what is "normal" and in the grsnd scheme it doesn't matter if our relationship is normal.

I know that in my gut this is where I want to be. I know that I'm happier than I've ever been, and my whole thought process hasn't even been whether or not I should leave but whether or not this can last. I think it can, and I want it to.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 10:23am
>>I've been worrying too much about what is "normal" and in the grsnd scheme it doesn't matter if our relationship is normal.<<

I'm not sure I follow the rest of your post (probably because I don't recall your story clearly.) But this particular sentence is a GOOD revelation to have. The minute you start comparing yourself and your life to anyone else's you begin playing a losing game. Unconventional relationships aren't wrong, or broken, or less than, unless you LET the "norm" dictate how you want to live and how you want to feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 10:31am

I know that in my gut this is where I want to be. I know that I'm happier than I've ever been, and my whole thought process hasn't even been whether or not I should leave but whether or not this can last. I think it can, and I want it to.

It seems to me that you are still hung up about having this certain "fairy tale" type of relationship rather than accepting the reality of your own situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 12:14pm
Mirandarr- there is a longer verson a few posts down, but the gist of it is that my bf has ed, we have never had intercourse, treatment options have been exhausted, and we are talking marriage.

Magnaniman- I'll probably never convince you of this, but I really am not looking for any certain kind of fairy tale relationship. I just want a good one. I've had my share of bad ones.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 12:24pm
Ageof,

Thanks for reminding me. That little synopsis did the trick. This half-ziemer's is killing me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 3:22pm

Magnaniman- I'll probably never convince you of this, but I really am not looking for any certain kind of fairy tale relationship. I just want a good one. I've had my share of bad ones.

You claim to have a good one already.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 4:39pm
Yes, it's a good relationship. I want it to stay that way. I'm not at all unhappy now, but I worry that I may become so in the future. There's a big difference, but you are intent on believing what you like.

Yes, I realize that living in fear isn't productive, but after having had a few long term relationships that were really unhealthy and lasted far longer than they should have you start to question how good your instincts are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 8:39pm
Actually, I think you are intent on believing what you want despite evidence to the contrary. I'm basing my opinions on what you have posted. You contradict yourself repeatedly.

As for not trusting your instincts, that I believe and understand. Don't you have close friends or family whose opinion you value? Maybe they can serve as a reality check for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Wed, 07-06-2011 - 9:05pm
I know that I have posted more than once that I am happy in my relationship but scared about the future. Sometimes feeling sad about a situation that has been difficult for the both of us is not the same thing as being unsatisfied with the relationship. You seem to be reading into it something that isn't there.

In most instances I would have no problems talking to friends or family, but I don't think it's right to tell my friends and family, who know my bf, that he is impotent. That seems like a huge breach of trust to me, and it would likely make them uncomfortable as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 7:34am

...look, the bottom line is this is a sex problem board...you've posted about the fact that you feel something is missing because you are not having intercourse...if intercourse is important to you, you have several choices...leave the relationship...discuss an open relationship...let it go and decide that what you have is good enough (which I think you would have already done if the relationship were as good for you as you describe here...)...the choice is up to you...as for your instincts, I think "they" are screaming at you that while this man is the nicest man you've been with and you're happier than you've ever been because he treats you so well (and your daughter loves him) he still isn't what you want in your life....

...I would suggest to you that if more than one persons responds to you that you "sound" unhappy, that you sound unfulfilled, you should take notice..."we" have an unemotional view of your situation (which costs a lot of money in real life)...what I think will happen is that you will continue with this man for a variety of reasons (the biggest being the stability and love that has developed for the three of you into a family situation...which I assume you want for your daughter) and you will slowly become antsy in this relationship and you will miss the bad boy aspect and the sexual aspect of being "taken"...yet, you will stay...and, your daughter will become more involved...so, I think you'd be well served to read the unhappiness expressed by the other HLs that post here that have stayed in a relationship despite feeling unfulfilled...they've stayed married to "good" providers and "good" co-parents...they've made a good life, and yet...they are miserable...just some food for thought...that, like I said, would be expensive if you had requested it in real life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Thu, 07-07-2011 - 12:36pm
The problem with internet message boards is that you are only seeing what is written. You can't hear my voice or see my face, or see us interact. Not to mention, since I have no other outlet for talking about this, anything negative I think or say is dumped here in concentration. I also think you *can't* be totally unemotional about it because you are seeing it through the lens of your own situation.

Yes, I have said that I sometimes feel like something is missing. But I have realized that that's social conditioning talking. Not sexual unfulfillment. From talking to others here and thinking about what has been said I have realized that I DON'T crave intercourse on any physical level. I don't daydream about it. I don't wish for it. I don't long for it. To be quite honest, if he were able to try some other treatment and it worked I'd be sort of freaked out at the idea for a while. I don't feel sexually unsatisfied. I'm not missing any aspect of being "taken" because he does that, just not by putting his dick in me. I feel very desired by him, no question about that. I suppose there is always a possibility it could change, but since we've been together it has only changed for the better. I can't discount that.

The problem is, I believe now, a mental one. And that is something that can be changed. If you are, say, raised to believe that it's wrong to be gay and it's been driven into you hard, and then as you get older to start to question whether or not that's right, you can start to change your feelings, your reactions, and your beliefs. When social conditioning is causing you harm you can either let it cause you harm or you can break down those thoughts and beliefs that are harming you. I've been in therapy. I know how it works. I've had to work through all sorts of schemas that were harmful to me. This is just one more that I never knew I had and never would have even expected to encounter.

Talking to others on this board actually has been helpful because it gave me those questions I needed to ask myself. It's really hard to work those things out when you can't ever get outside of your own head. I may have come to a different conclusion than many have, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about what has been said and honestly asking myself if it applies here.

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