Climbing the walls

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Climbing the walls
9
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 3:47pm
I entered this in the wrong section previously. Sorry.
Hi.
I recently got out of an engagement in November to a guy who would agree to and did have sex with me 3-4 times a day. I ended the relationship because there were other things that I felt I wasn't getting in the relationship. Such as a partner in housework and the fact that he was addicted to video games. I made a list of things I wanted in a relationship and recently found a guy who meets every one of those qualities except one.
Never turn me down for sex. (which I guess is alittle unrealistic because I'd do it 24/7)
The problem is, this guy was a virgin until we hooked up and since then we've only had sex three times. And he makes NO noise. and it's always the same position (me on top, everytime.) When I suggest a different position he says no. He also doesn't want oral sex, ever.
Do you think this will ever change? Do you think he's unattracted to me? Should I try to get back with the other guy? At this point I am so frustrated I don't know what to do. Sex is really important to me and I don't know how to talk about it with this new guy. Help! Please!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 5:42pm

Sounds like some serious emotional/mental hangups.. Has he ever tried to explain why he doesn't want oral? (Tell him he cant' knock it until he tries it!)


Quiet is not uncommon, but in this case, I'd be worried.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 9:54pm
He says that if I did give him oral he'd never be able to kiss me again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 10:04pm

Incredible. Seriously, that is something that he is not going to get over without some.. professional help. The number of ways that is going to be a problem. If his perception of sex is already skewed that far towards being dirty and wrong.. IT won't be healthy for you, I'm sure..

On the other hand, I don't think you'll ever have to worry about him asking for anal sex :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 10:12pm
You know, honestly the anal sex thing did occur to me and I was thankful that I didn't have to worry about that. But seriously, even if he did want that, it would be an improvement. I feel rejected by him even though he does some really nice things for me.
Someone told me on this message board that I'm not going to find someone who fulfills my "list" and that I should just settle for someone who has the most qualities from it. This guy has all the great qualities I'm looking for with the exception of sex. Does that mean I should give up on finding someone who will please me and let me please him sexually?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 10:22pm

No, I think you misunderstood what the other poster told you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 10:23pm

It depends on how high up on your list that sex is. If it's on the list, but not very high, then maybe all the other great qualities he has will make up for it. I am HL, but now in my forties am happy with someone that isn't nearly as expressive or outgoing about sex as I am--and I'm OK with it. I got my sexual wild oats out of the way years ago. I'm pretty satisfied that the other qualities he has makes up for some deficiency with this one.

However, if you are always going to feel like you are missing out on something, or you could imagine yourself having an affair simply to bring some sexual excitement into your life--then, probably this guy isn't for you, sad as that may be. It's a decision only you can make.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 05-21-2009 - 10:24pm

My personal opinion is that if yhou aren't in the ballpark with someone with sex, its going to be a really big, if not nearly impssible problem. Some of it is just due to natural desires and wants, but also, sex is a great barometer of a lot of other things in a relationship.. so.. if things are liek you mentioned.. then he has other issues that are just showing themselves in his.. sexual hangups..

At first blush, I think you can do better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 9:43am

...I agree with you...sex is a great measuring stick for the relationship in general...it is the one thing that we can't get from other people, if we are in a monogamous relationship...we can watch movies...talk to, share books...take walks...go out to eat...help nurture and "raise" children...save money or pool resources toward a goal...share a home, yard work, house work...with other people...but, sex is something we don't ordinarily have with just anyone (if we are married and committed to monogamy...)...if one partner is not open to compromise and views the needs of the other partner with little regard and issues directives such as "no, we're not going to have sex...we just had it 2 weeks (or, whatever time frame) ago and I am not in the mood so just deal with it"...(the one saying no has control, in my opinion)...that partner is selfish and the selfishness will manifest itself in other ways...I don't want to be married to someone who is selfish and disregards my need for anything in so blatant of a way...as I have said before...I was selfish spouse...and, I know it...I wouldn't have wanted to have been married and/or monogamous with me either...

...obviously, I am not commenting on the LL who is suffering from past trauma...or, current medical condition...or, is involved in a relationship with someone who is disrespectful...or, who demands sex on a continuing day in and day out "we gotta have hot, wild sex at every opportunity or you don't love me"...

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 05-22-2009 - 9:44am

>>>>> Someone told me on this message board that I'm not going to find someone who fulfills my "list" and that I should just settle for someone who has the most qualities from it. <<<<<


Not all qualities are equal.

When you see it coming, duck!