Close to giving up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Close to giving up.
13
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 2:36am

I have read through the posts on these boards for over a year now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 6:16am

Aemun, by your own admission you're insecure and paranoid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 6:24am

Without laying any blame, I'll say there is a very bad dynamic going on in your marriage -- a negative feedback loop. You're insecure, she feeds your insecurities through her lack of affection, you become more insecure and clingy, she feels still less inclined to show affection, and so on.

I'll be honest with you here, I don't see much hope for happiness (yours or hers) in this relationship. You're just too far apart, and your temperamental differences lead you to cause each other continued pain.

For your sake, I hope you come closer and closer to giving up -- until you actually do. If you can release yourselves from this toxic relationship, you both have a chance of finding happiness elsewhere.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 7:59am

...what is your advice if he stops being clingy, stops wanting sex, stops reading her facebook page, and she still won't work toward a compromise?...is he still the one at fault...???...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 9:07am
>>what is your advice if he stops being clingy, stops wanting sex, stops reading her facebook page, and she still won't work toward a compromise?...is he still the one at fault...???...<<

yeah, he sort of is. He did the damage, he has created an environment where she feels untrusted and violated and possibly oppressed. That won't undo itself just because he promises to stop treating her that way. I don't see this relationship working out at ALL unless some heavy duty counselling is done by both of them, together and seperately.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 9:51am

...I don't see much hope either...but, his mistrust didn't force her to talk to ex-boyfriends while also refusing to have sex with her husband until she figures out what is going on with her...also, "we" have ignored a very telling clue here...they've been married 6 months and the sex dropped off to next to nothing 6 months ago...I think telling him that he is the lone cause of the dysfunction is his behavior...a lot of "us" understand that libido can drop off to nothing after marriage and that often, people are no longer attracted to someone (regardless of behavior) after the commitment is made....it could be that his tendency to be parinoid has been exacerbated by her loss of libido after marriage and her contact with an ex boyfriend...I, personally, can't think of one thing to say to any of my ex boyfriends other than "hi, how are you?..me?, I'm good...take care"...especially on a facebook setting where she might post pictures of her children and details of her everyday life...telling someone to not be jealous when attention is being given away is a lot like telling someone to just increase their libido and enjoy having sex...just do it..., right?...if my husband told me that sex is important to him, that he needs it to feel loved and connected and I wanted a long, healthy relationship with him, I think I'd probably get off of the computer, go to the doctor, and try to find a solution....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 10:42am

I don't hold much hope for this relationship even with counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 10:45am
oh, I agree that not having sex while she figures out "what is going on with her" is a bs excuse for certain. If she's not getting herself to some kind of mental health professional to deal with "what is going on with her" then she's just spinning her wheels and wasting everyone's time. Which is why I said they need individual therapy as well as together. But honestly, at this stage only being together 6 months and already having all these problems, I'd say they're doomed. I know I'm a pessimist and a biotch... whatever.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 2:00pm
I agree with the rest of you. He should cut his losses and get out now. Then he should do some individual counselling to work on his self esteem.

Of course, given my personal experience, I am very leery of situations where sex stopped right after marriage. To me, that is indicative of either a major character flaw or deep seated issues toward sex that would take heavy duty lifting to work through. Unless the person shows an immediate and consistent effort to work on themselves (which this guy's wife has refused to do), then it isn't worth throwing future time down the drain.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 5:56pm

Message not specifically directed at Hold....

A few of you have mentioned the lack of sex starting at around the time of marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 05-17-2011 - 6:55pm

...would you conduct the relationship with your ex boyfriend/husband while ignoring your relationship with your husband?...what would you do if your husband had an exclusive of you relationship with one of his ex wives/girlfriends while ignoring your requests for attention?...do you think it's likely that she might have stopped having sex with him right after marriage because she simply isn't attracted to someone she is in a committed relationship with?...

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