Contemplating an Affair

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hlinneoh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Contemplating an Affair
589
 Mon, 04-13-2009 - 1:12pm

Sorry for the long post.


My DW and I have been married for over 22+ years.

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amomalmost40
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
In reply to: hlinneoh
Contemplating an Affair
 Mon, 04-13-2009 - 1:53pm
tell your wife what you have said here, that you cannot remain married to her if the frequency and quality of sex does not change. Be firm about it, and be clear about it.
hlinneoh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
In reply to: hlinneoh
Contemplating an Affair
 Mon, 04-13-2009 - 2:13pm

Thanks for offering a response.

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holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: hlinneoh
Contemplating an Affair
 Mon, 04-13-2009 - 2:31pm

I am in a similar situation, so I understand what you are going through.


Unfortunately, there are no good alternatives here.

When you see it coming, duck!

zejayge
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: hlinneoh
Contemplating an Affair
 Mon, 04-13-2009 - 3:02pm
...have you told her that an opportunity has presented itself and that your conversations about you have some extra marital sex are now very much a possibility with little effort to made?...I used to be in a marriage where I put little (very little) effort into our sex lives...he came to me and talked to me a great deal...he begged, pleaded, and threatened (extra marital sex)...I blew him off...I understood completely that he put a great deal of importance into sex and it's connection for him to emotional and marital fulfillment...but, I still ignored him...so, I don't know how your wife will react if she understands that an opportunity has fallen into your lap...I was 21-29 during the crux of our sexual problems and he was killed...so, we resolved nothing...but, I did learn a lesson...a loved one should not be taken for granted and that it sucks that a loss has to be suffered to understand that...
hlinneoh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
In reply to: hlinneoh
Contemplating an Affair
 Mon, 04-13-2009 - 3:36pm

Thank you for the sage advice.


I try to stay focused upon that very question.

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holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: hlinneoh
Contemplating an Affair
 Mon, 04-13-2009 - 3:57pm

I do not know how sage my advice is.

When you see it coming, duck!

hlinneoh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
In reply to: hlinneoh
Contemplating an Affair
 Mon, 04-13-2009 - 4:02pm

Thanks for the response...


I don't see why telling her that I have a ready and willing playmate should alter her decision making.

hlinneoh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
In reply to: hlinneoh
Contemplating an Affair
 Mon, 04-13-2009 - 4:19pm

But, if I abandon the relationship that is otherwise good because I want out of the monogamy, and the monogamy doesn't matter that much to me, aren't I ending the relationship unnecessarily.


From my perspective,

magnaniman
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: hlinneoh
Contemplating an Affair
 Mon, 04-13-2009 - 4:29pm

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Because at that point you would've made the threat real rather than just an abstraction. As long as it's just an abstraction, it's an empty threat; she won't believe you would REALLY do it. Once she can put a face to it, she will be forced to face up to it. Her avoidance dance will have to come to an abrupt end.

hlinneoh
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
In reply to: hlinneoh
Contemplating an Affair
 Mon, 04-13-2009 - 4:41pm

Thank you for joining the discussion.


That answers why she might change but does not address my

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