The countdown has begun

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2008
The countdown has begun
22
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 2:28am

Hello, everyone. I stumbled across this forum yesterday and, while I suppose it is somewhat distressing to find that so many people have issues of ML, it is oddly comforting to know that I’m not alone.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 7:59am
Sorry to see things end up this way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2008
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 4:58pm

Four years to go. I agree with you about modelling relationships to children. Unfortunately, I spent entirely too long treading water in the drowning pool. It will probably take that long to prepare for it financially, too. I have no resources. I've never

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 6:12pm

"I know that must sound incredibly stupid of me."


No not at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2008
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 3:39pm

Okay, here’s what I’ve done so far:

About a year and a half ago moved into another bedroom. It was the best thing that I've ever done. About six months after that, I asked if I could see his therapist with him. (He’s been in therapy for about 3 years. I see a very slight change, but only for about 12-24 hours after a session.) I addressed a couple of recurrent issues including my opinion that he wasn’t being honest with the therapist with regard to what was taking place (or not taking place) in the home. My motivation was sincere because, at that point, I thought “we” were still salvageable, but even more importantly – I thought *he* deserved some happiness in life. (In retrospect, I think I subconsciously knew that I was capable of doing what I need to do to save myself.) For whatever reason, even though there was no resolution to anything, I felt relieved and like there was some kind of paradigm shift that took place.

I decided that I needed to take better care of my skin, so I started doing so. No kidding, in three months I looked and felt so much better that I started wearing make-up and jewelry again. I decided that my hybrid frat boy-soccer mom look had to go and I bought a few new pieces of clothing. In a tremendous moment of lucidity and foresight – I *threw out* all of the schlumpy clothes. Of course, a new hairdo was in order and after all that, new glasses. (I was overdue for a pair and it was January – fresh flexible spending account $. This was a *really* huge thing for me to do. Remember, I don’t spend a dime of “his money” without permission.) Well, I bought *two* pair. Yeah, I’m a real wild woman.

Anyway, a few weeks ago my daughter and I were shopping for a dress for her 8th grade graduation. She talked me into buying a new outfit, too. She said, “What are *you* going to wear to graduation? You need something new, too. And stop spending all *your* money. Spend Daddy’s for a change.” Just what I need, eh? Encouragement, LOL. So, graduation day came and I took her to the salon to have her nails done. Two mani-pedis later, we left. I think I officially feel like a woman again. A sexually deprived woman, but hey, at least I can recognise my own gender now.

That’s the mental process I’ve gone through. At least I feel like I’ve done something positive. They are all such small things, but cumulatively they feel huge. I’m trying to figure out what comes next.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 10:01pm

"That’s the mental process I’ve gone through. At least I feel like I’ve done something positive. They are all such small things, but cumulatively they feel huge. I’m trying to figure out what comes next."


You certainly are doing positive things!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2008
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 2:26pm

Thanks for being my cheerleader, Trying.


I'm giving some thought to the practical matters now. The one thing that is in my favour is that he'd be unlikely to do anything that would reflect on him badly in public. And, truthfully, I don't think he is a bad person (or else I wouldn't have married him). I just need to figure out a few things.


Having said that, how about your thoughts on a few other issues?


I'm a rather honest person. I honour my committments; however, I *do* feel that I have done everything humanly possible to connect with this man - and for a very long time. I don't feel as though I am bound by my marriage vows because I feel that he didn't maintain his. The issue is not purely sexual, but one of intimacy, too. For example, he has become so disengaged that when I became very upset about something several years ago and was crying - the heartbroken sobbing kind - he walked right past me, not only without making any attempt to comfort me, but not even acknowledging me. Let me explain this further by saying that I'm not prone to drama or

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 4:20pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2008
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 5:13pm

Would you be of a different

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 6:28pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 7:48pm

"It was really strange and, in my opinion, an unnatural thing to do."


I have seen, experience and read too many things in my life to say it is unnatural.

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