Cutting down on Solo sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2008
Cutting down on Solo sex
8
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 10:17am

First off I wanted to thank you Mike for your post. It has me wondering now if there lies the problem. I know my H engages in solo acts and now I am wondering if he would be more inclined to find the energy for partnered sex if he too stopped going solo for a while.

My question is how do I broach this subject with him? In the past it has always been a hot button issue. He views this as a "private" act so that even discussions about it get his back up. When I have tried to suggest that although there is nothing wrong with going solo, I do have concerns when it happens more than our time together- especially when I am ready, willing and able...he simply states that he is not taking anything away from me. Well now I'm thinking he is. That perhaps if he didn't satisfy the "urge" on his own he may be more inclined to push through the tiredness and satisfy it with me.

I do understand that now and again it is simply easier to pleasure yourself, but when it is more the norm than partner sex I have a problem with it. Of course I cannot tell you for sure how often he does it- because he won't tell me! But I do suspect that it is at least equal to our partner sex.

Sigh...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 10:57am

Here is one

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 11:08am

Thanks for your suggestion I agree it is the right angle. Now to pluck up the courage...

I would be interested in looking at some of the things you have read on the subject. Could you pass any resources along?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 1:16pm

OK, I want to say this delicately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2007
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 2:28pm
Most of the resources you listed are about female led relationships. Is that the dynamic that you are after?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 2:33pm
These are great. Thank you so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 2:39pm

No not necessarily, however I am open to pretty much anything that may help. Finding resources that speak to the fact that solo acts can take things away from your partner in some cases, just like it can enhance things in others is particularly helpful from my perspective.

Like I mentioned, this subject is a "Hot button" for him. If he feels like I'm trying to "control" him there is no way he will even listen, but if we can make it more playful and experimental he may be more receptive to seeing the other side of the coin.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 2:44pm

I've been lurking for a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2008
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 3:23pm

True about where the discussion