Delayed ejaculation the culprit of ML?

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Delayed ejaculation the culprit of ML?
17
Sat, 12-13-2008 - 2:13pm

* Sorry, this is long*

After another disappointing session of trying to have sex with my husband, I've gone through another round of emotions and am still determined to figured out why.

Short background (I've posted a few times before), I am the HL in the relationship with him being the LL. We have been married 3 years and together almost 5 total. I'm 27 he's 32. This has always been a factor in our relationship and from what I can determine a factor of his previous 10 year relationship failing. He is just not a sexual person. He can function sexually but almost always never ejaculates in my presence. He does not initiate until I say something and then only at most once a month. It usually does not end in mutually satisfying release. It lasts, and lasts, sometimes over an hour without him finishing. He says he gets tired. Even when I do all of the work, we will still have the same issue. About 7 times out of 10. Even with any sort of stimulation whether oral, vaginal, or manual. I'm sorry for the amount of detail. I'm lost and very sad.

Why have I stuck around and married him with this being an issue from the beginning?...well, I thought it was me. I thought it was something I could change or improve. I had hope. I love this man more than anything. Some relationships, the sex starts out great. Some relationships, the sex will start out slow. Maybe even a little awkward at first but with time you learn what each other likes and it ultimately improves, hopefully. I wanted and hoped it would improve but it hasn't. Not even a little improvement. We've discussed medical/psychological intervention but he has so far failed to make an effort outside of self pity.

I want this relationship to work. The logical part of me knows more than likely what will happen in the long run. My heart is still winning the fight for now. I can't justify ending what I would otherwise consider a loving relationship over sex. Love or sex? Love is in my opinion, a lot greater of a find. Can the love last without the sex though, that is my dilemma.

In my search for answers, I found, finally, what IMHO I think may be behind his LL. Delayed/Retarded Ejaculation. Two good articles I have found:

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001954.htm

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/ejaculatoryincompetence.htm

Does anyone have any experience or insight? Any words of encouragement or advice even if not encouraging? I really appreciate it.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2008
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 9:55pm

Michelle,


Does he masturbate?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 12:06am

Someone who posted here briefly about a year ago said that he researched delayed ejaculation and learned that, fancy medical explanations aside, it was often due to the simple fact of not being aroused enough ("aroused" meaning excited by the sex as opposed to just erect from the friction). IMO, not getting very aroused from sexual activity is a manifestation of LL. Thus, I see the retarded ejaculation as a REFLECTION of LL rather than a CAUSE of it.

From your description it sounds as though your DH is just not a sexual person. I wouldn't waste much time and emotional energy trying to change something that seems so deeply entrenched. I certainly wouldn't take it personally. The decision to stay or leave is highly individual, and there is certainly no right or wrong answer. Leaving over sex is perfectly justifiable and in no way dishonourable if sex is very important to you. Only you can make that call. In the meantime, perhaps you can gently steer your DH toward the asexuality.org website to see if any of it clicks for him.

F.

Avatar for moondesert
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 12-15-2008 - 10:42am

I think it would be important to know if and how he masturbates. Some guys masturbate frequently, and with an incredibly firm grip that no vagina on earth could replicate. They lose their ability to get much pleasure from lighter stimulation.

He could just have a LL, but if you have any information on this possibility, too, then let us know. There are ways men can change their masturbatory techniques so that they become sensitive to vaginal stimulation again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 2:12am

Michelle,


I am an HL and I've been experiencing delayed/retarded ejaculation for the past 18 to 24 months. I believe this is because I have been losing interest in my wife. I do not find our love-making to be stimulating enough to bring me to climax any more and sometimes I completely lose erections in the middle of sex. I believe the poor stimulation has to do with her lack of enthusiasm, her negative comments, her poor self-maintenance, her poor sexual technique, her unwillingness to engage in sexual acts of enough variety and intensity to keep the sex stimulating, her insistence on being in control

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 1:27pm

<>

Please don't assume that your DH's lack of arousal is due to something you're not doing. For a HL like MySexToy, WHO STARTED WITH A ROBUST AND AUTOMATIC AROUSAL RESPONSE, it stands to reason that lack of enthusiasm in a partner could mute his arousal over time. But if your DH is LL, he has a weak arousal response to begin with. Many of the things that excite HL men (giving oral, seeing a woman in lingerie, role play, etc.) tend NOT to excite LL men, period. Some HL men (like MySexToy) can actually reach orgasm from the excitement of GIVING oral sex, while most LL men don't like giving oral sex because it doesn't get them aroused. Please, please, please don't make the HL mistake of assuming that your husband's low arousability reflects something you're not doing or being. Some people just have weak arousal circuits, or else they can only get excited by a particular fetish or two. NOTHING to do with you. At the same time, I caution you against spending lots of time and emotional energy trying to change him. From your descriptions it sounds like he is and has always been LL. If you don't have kids and if sex is important to you, you may want to seriously reconsider the relationship.

<>

Did you have reason to believe this would excite him, or were you just casting about for ideas?

Seduction is effective in sexually balanced relationships, but can backfire bigtime (not to mention humiliate the seducer) in ML relationships. I always say to HLs: Do NOT to attempt to seduce a LL unless using a particular seduction technique or prop that you KNOW is arousing to said LL.

JMHO Freelance




Edited 12/16/2008 1:42 pm ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 3:37pm

<>

Yes, I'd say this is the reddest flag of them all.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 12:06pm

Michelle,


For what it’s worth, I’m a HL male who also occasionally experiences a delayed climax.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Mon, 12-22-2008 - 9:34pm

Michelle,


Two things you said recently really struck me:


It’s hard for me to feel loved, desired, wanted when 7 times out of 10 he doesn’t ejaculate in response to me stimulating him, no matter the length of time or action.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 12-23-2008 - 12:23pm
Amen!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 2:48pm

Hi Michelle,


Pages