Distressed Over Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Distressed Over Sex
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 10:34am
Hi. This is my first time posting, though I've been lurking for a while.
I've got the same problem that many of you have-- my boyfriend's sex drive is WAY lower than mine. I'm 22. He will turn 28 next month. We've been dating about two months, and in the beginning we were intimate 3-4 times a week, but that's been steadily dwindling to maybe once a week... and right now it's been over a week. He is very affectionate and wants to be hugged, kissed, cuddled, etc., but he's just never in the mood for sex. This is a problem because I'm literally in the mood for sex all of the time. I seriously want it at least once a day, but I realize that's not a realistic request. I'd be happy with 3-4 times a week, but truthfully at this point I'd take 1 or 2. I love him very much. I've never connected like this with anyone else, and he says he feels the same. He asks me to stay over almost every night and we cuddle and talk, but 90% of the time I'll be rejected if I initiate anything sexual... even just oral sex for him with no thought of anything in return. That just doesn't seem normal to me-- he's in his 20's! We are very open and talk about it-- actually we had a long discussion about it last night. I expressed my concern that it was me, but he assured me that he's attracted to me, etc. -- he's just tired and stressed from work. Actually, that seems to be a common factor in many of the other posts I've read. You have no idea how good it is to find a group of women with the same problem I've been experiencing. Society tends to view women as the gender with the low sex drive... it's difficult to not feel weird about being the one asking for sex all of the time. Anyhow, I don't know how to feel. The rejection hurts, plain and simple. He is very nice about it and still wants to cuddle. He doesn't push me away or anything. I guess I just don't understand not wanting sex because I've personally never experienced it. I'm always willing. Always. I just don't get it. Complicating the matter is that this is the first sexual relationship I've been in. I'm so afraid that I'm doing something wrong, and I don't have enough experience to know how to handle this type of situation. He said that sometimes he feels like it's not normal for a man in his twenties to not want sex, but he hates the doctor and I've been trying to get him to see a therapist, but he's hesitant to go. I don't know what to do. I really feel like he's the one. He's already talking about long-term commitment. We just click that well and everything came so naturally. The only problem is the sex thing. I just can't risk being caught in a sexless marriage. I don't know what to do. Is there any way to increase his drive?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 10:44am

Hi solosonic, good to meet you ! I'm new here also, and in the same boat with you ! I do have to say, I'm glad you're at least getting cuddling and some kind of touch. I can't even get that from my dh. He will throw an obligatory arm around me occasionally if I'm lucky. I agree with what you said about the normal view of society too, a woman with a high sex drive is left feeling alone and "unnormal". Come to find out, there's more of us out there than I realized !! As for your question, I have no clue how to increase his drive, cuz I think I've tried it all !! Sorry !

Take care,