Does it ever get better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2008
Does it ever get better?
16
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 12:11pm

I have been reading this board and I have yet to come across a 'success story'.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 1:07pm
...there is one poster, Italy...who has achieved mild (my word) success only after years of counseling (I think...I could have him mixed up) and finally deciding that he was no longer putting the continued considerable effort into his marriage...hopefully he'll post to you...though I haven't seen him around in a long time...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 2:14pm

Hi there,

I've been on this board for a few years (LL female). While success stories do occur (very occasionally), I honestly don't think it's in the cards for your current relationship. You have more than red flags here -- you have jet-engine-volume information blaring in your ear.

Success stories are most likely when the mismatch is relatively minor, when the partners start out with similar libidos, or when the libido drop in one partner arises from a temporary circumstance. None of this pertains to your case. Your partner shows ALL TEN of the signs of LL, he was never interested in sexual experimentation, and he has not demonstrated any capacity to change.

We all understand how difficult it is to end a relationship with someone you love. But if sex is important to you, and it sounds like it is, then this is not the guy for you. He is likely asexual or near-asexual. He may WANT to change, but people don't change their essential natures. It would be like asking a gay person to turn straight or like asking you to lose all interest in sex.

If you decide to continue with this relationship, do it with no expectations of changing him. None.

JMHO and HTH Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 05-06-2009 - 3:32pm

I think it gets better for some people, but it doesnt happen on its own or just miraculously occur without both partners wanting it to happen and working towards it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2008
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 11:24am

So after reading more on this board and really thinking about what would be best for ME- I decided to break up with my boyfriend. He really listened to me, but immediately turned the conversation into "I think its a really good idea we're taking a break" about how this will be good for us in the long run, and even referring to our future wedding! So I am agreeing to keep it as a break, and I plan on dating other people.

As a positive, I did some research, and one of his high school friends and a college roommate (from before he took the medication) said he had a VERY high sex drive when they knew him. I asked my (now ex?) boyfriend about this and he agreed that it has gone down since the medication.

He still plans on switching, the question remains why it took him 9 MONTHS to switch, but I think amomalost40 was right in that I was letting him not change- because I kept taking it, complaining but not doing anything about it.

All I can hope now is that the medication makes a huge difference, and that the break will reverse the pattern of him never having to make an effort.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 11:56am

I am not sure I would rely on same sex roommates for accurate information.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2008
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 12:23pm

>>He still plans on switching, the question remains why it took him 9 MONTHS to switch, but I think amomalost40 was right in that I was letting him not change- because I kept taking it, complaining but not doing anything about it.<<


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 1:53pm

<>

To expand on Hold's point, if he did have a high sex drive, under what circumstances was it high? It's very different to have a high sex drive when you are busy chasing tail (or being chased) and quite another when you are in a long-term committed relationship.




Edited 5/7/2009 3:39 pm ET by magnaniman
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 2:52pm

Excellent point.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 7:14pm
I had some success but our libidos weren't all that far apart. Your situation sounds pretty hopeless. He's not going to change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Thu, 05-07-2009 - 10:24pm

I wonder how we define success. I've spent 18 years with a very LL man. I would like sex twice a day. We have it once every two or three months. Otherwise we're very happy. Occasionally I bite the stuffing out of a pillow out of pure frustration and he runs screaming through the house because I've left my underwear on the floor yet again. (Read: we're neither of us perfect.)


BTW, I think you've made the right decision to part. Maybe it was the medication and things will change or maybe it's just who he is and that will never change. It's too hard to tell what you're dealing with when you're right in the middle of it.


Good luck!

Pages