Engaged to an ever-lowering LL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2009
Engaged to an ever-lowering LL
40
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 9:43am

Hi :) first post here so be gentle!


I've been with my girlfriend for just over 2 years now, and we've been engaged for about a month.


When we first started seeing each other, the sex was amazing. Nothing odd, nothing kinky, just very frequent, initiated by us both, and thoroughly enjoyed by us both. We've both been in long term relationships previously, and we've talked about it used to be, and how things are much better now. One of my gripes about my ex was her LL, and my current GF always maintained that she couldn't understand that, she enjoyed sex too much, you get the picture... I thought I was onto a real winner.


The 'honeymoon' period lasted, suprisingly, well into the second year of our relationship, when the frequency of sex slowly dropped from daily, to a few times a week, to a couple of times a week, then weekly. To be completely honest, we'd had so much sex already I was quite happy with the way things had developed, and she seemed to be too.


Over the last 6 or 9 months though, her libido seems to have just turned off completely. Where we used to make love weekly, it changed

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 9:56am
...I don't know where I heard this comment..."when someone shows you who they are, believe them"...it's probably from some tacky talk show host...but, I agree with it...she has shown you that she has the ability to go without sex...and, that it's less than the amount that will satisfy you...I can tell you from experience that marriage is not easy...and, problems are magnified when bills, babies, and regular life stresses are thrown in...are you headed for celibacy?...I don't know...but, if you marry someone with a libido less than yours, expect the frequency of sex to be on the decline while her obvious manipulative tendencies increase...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2008
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 12:56pm

I agree with the PP.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2008
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 1:55pm

I have a friend whose spouse kept up "the act" for about five years and then they married. The sex started dropping off immediately.
No kids involved. Both worked nice jobs. Got along well. But the sex was disappearing. During a discussion the HL asked the LL (who sure didn't act LL prior to marriage) what was up? Why no sex? How come we made love daily for almost five years and now we go three, six, ten months??? The response: "Well, if I didn't have sex with you, you wouldn't have married me, would you?"

Personally, I think if someone intentionally misrepresents themselves to get someone to marry them, it's deplorable.

Having said that; perhaps there is a medical reason for your girlfriend's change of heart in the bedroom. But if after exploring that avenue (assuming there are no medical issues) and you proceed with this marriage, from what you have written, I would be shocked if the sex got better.

Best wishes....

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 3:44pm

Three words of advice:


GET


OUT


NOW


Anyone who says "we will have more sex after _____ happens" is lying unless _____ relates to a medical condition that is verifiably curable.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 7:32pm

oigetoffme, I agree with holdingontoit 100%...GET OUT NOW! No matter how much the ring cost, no matter how much you still owe on it, the lesson you learned and the years of heartache you'll save yourself will be worth every penny.


When she said the sex would increase after you proposed, SHE WAS LYING TO YOU TO GET YOU TO PROPOSE! She didn't mean it. She will continue doing this throughout the marriage. She will tell you the sex will increase if you do X or Y. You will do X or Y and the sex won't increase. You will buy a house, lose weight, get a better job, have children, move to a different state, let her brother move in with you, buy her a car, do the dishes every night for a month, agree to vacuum the floors every other day for a year, do a million things you might otherwise think about and perhaps not do. But the sex will not change.


She is incapable of having more sex because her sex drive is naturally lower than yours. She understands this on some level and she is using it to control you. It is the definition of being pu$$y-whipped. I have been through this for the last 23 1/2 years. If I knew this 23 1/2 years ago I would not go through with it.


I wish you the best.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 7:55pm

>>>>> I tried to tell myself that sex wasn't everything, that we have a wonderful relalationship otherwise, and that I really did want to marry her. <<<<<


1.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 8:23pm
...I think so too, Hold...she should be making the effort now...not promising it later...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 8:44pm

Ask for the ring back.


I agree with everything hold says except the above. The ring should be hers to keep in exchange for the

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 10:34pm

I'm going to say to you what the men here would have said to you if you were a female:

Are you sure it's not you? Is your hygiene/weight/attention span/lovemaking skillz/attention to her needs up to par? Are you sure it's not a medical problem? Have you talked with her in depth about this, and urged her to try and solve her sudden lack of libido?

In any case, give an actual, in depth, extremely personal conversation a try. Be sure not to make it "her problem". Make it a "relationship problem". You absolutely CANNOT make it only her problem/caused only by her or I promise you won't get anywhere. If you feel that you have genuinely approached this in a neutral, non-accusing manner that addresses your concerns for your future together, and after a period of time she still refuses to try and work towards a solution, then by all means, don't marry her.

Just thought I would throw that out there.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 9:36am

I agree there may be objective factors limiting the woman's sexual interest in this guy.

When you see it coming, duck!

Pages