Excess energy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Excess energy
14
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 10:03am

I have lurked around here for a few months and posted once, thanks to all for posting their stories and advice.

I am the HL and he is LL. It took a year of discussion and months of therapy for him to realize he had to compromise too to keep us together. As others have said on here, I was saying I was unhappy but he never felt any ill effects from it so he had no motivation to make any extra effort or compromise. This has changed, which I am very thankful for.

My question is I like my sexuality and being a sexual person. I don't want to stuff it down to not be frustrated. I want to enjoy it as it is part of my personality. Does anyone else here understand that? I am not sure how to re-channel it, or if that is even possible. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
In reply to: autumn3303
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 10:39am

Take up running, eating, cheating, knitting, illegal substances, pottery, dance, advanced calculus, law, home decorating or any combination of the above. I'm being flip (please don't flame me about the calculus) but you get the idea. Channel your energy into something you love and that gives you satisfaction. Don't do something just for the sake of burning off your energy. If you don't like it, you'll resent the time and effort you put into it.


bh

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: autumn3303
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 11:04am
...autumn, I agree with bunny...except for the calculus...(unless you dig it...)...and, the law (my son is a current Gov't student and some of the stuff that he has to read ((and, memorize)) is so stuffy...)...don't lose the grip on who you are...I don't know what you mean by energy...I don't think that I could take being horny and frustrated and satisfy it with walking or knitting, but I could masturbate for the orgasm ( a really great session where I tease myself for a bit) and then take a walk, holding hands and talking to my husband for the closeness that I desire...or, we could ride bikes or go to one of our great museums or head off to our local Veteran's program to volunteer...if I were you I would stay in great shape (which for me, is really about me being so happy with me...being the best that I can)...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2008
In reply to: autumn3303
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 12:00pm

"Does anyone else here understand that?"


Yes, I do.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
In reply to: autumn3303
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 4:03pm

I dont think you need to channel all of it to other things, you have to be able to still be the sexual person you are. The key is finding ways to express that sexual energy to the person you love in a better way. Go ahead and find a hobby or interest that feeds you as a person, I've decided to try an be healthier, to lose some weight, eat better, take better care of myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: autumn3303
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 6:40am

Thank you everyone. I am glad to know a few of you understand what I am saying.

amomalmost40 wrote:
You have to be able to be you, and he has to expect there will be times you are feeling sexual and need to express that and he needs to not be pressured by it.

If we could figure this out I think we would be much happier. Even yesterday I approached him about possibly having sex later and he said he didn't want it "hanging over his head all day". Has anyone been able to find a solution to this?

Right now I am sure it is self pity, but I feel sad that I have this part of me I feel unable to share with him. Part of our issue also is when I am stressed I want to have sex, and for him it is the last thing on his mind.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
In reply to: autumn3303
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 8:15am

I am a confrontational person, meaning that if something is on my mind I say it, whether its to my husband or my kids. I am not the type to hold it in. I dont put up with someone disrespecting me, or put off the confrontation until later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
In reply to: autumn3303
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 8:30am

Even yesterday I approached him about possibly having sex later and he said he didn't want it "hanging over his head all day". Has anyone been able to find a solution to this?


I am usually confronted with the "I'm so tired today" excuse. That's his way of telling me don't expect sex tonight. On the days I feel like taking matters into my own hands, I invite him to shower with me in the morning. Sometimes we just wash up and save on water. Sometimes a lot of water goes down the drain and no one gets cleaner.


If you can engage in the

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: autumn3303
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 10:04am

<>

One thing I've realized is that it's not fair to my DW to transfer my stress to her through sex. I no longer expect nor desire sex with her when I'm stressed. I can take care of that itch myself. I don't think that behavior was healthy for me to indulge in so I've simply stopped it. I want to desire sex with her for "better" reasons, reasons that affirm her and our relationship. I refuse to allow sex to become my drug of choice.

That change alone has made a huge difference.




Edited 5/18/2009 12:46 pm ET by magnaniman
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
In reply to: autumn3303
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 10:39am

"Take up running, eating, cheating, knitting, illegal substances, pottery, dance, advanced calculus, law, home decorating or any combination of the above. I'm being flip (please don't flame me about the calculus) but you get the idea."


LOL that you renege ONLY on the calculus... ;)


There are times I have to head to the driving range. I try to do it when there are few people there so I can simply knock the **** out of the ball. I am not there trying to improve my game. Sometimes I put a bunch of balls in a row and simply hit them rapid fire as hard as I can until I am too exhuasted to swing again (or until I pull a muscle).


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
In reply to: autumn3303
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 1:26pm

>>One thing I've realized is that it's not fair to my DW to transfer my stress to her through sex. I no longer expect nor desire sex with her when I'm stressed. I can take care of that itch myself. I don't think that behavior was healthy for me to indulge in so I've simply stopped it. I want to desire sex with her for "better" reasons, reasons that affirm her and our relationship. I refuse to allow sex to become my drug of choice.

That change alone has made a huge difference.<<

BRILLIANT! On behalf of LL spouses the world over (most specifically you own though, since she gets the ultimate payoff of your epiphany,) THANK YOU

I cannot tell you how much it would mean to me if my DH could come to this realization as well.

Good for you!!

roo and snowy siggie

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