Facing Facts

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Facing Facts
11
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 10:43am

Hello, I have been here from time to time, dating back to when the Board was called "clashing libidos".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
In reply to: oldgrumpydad
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 1:55pm

oldgrumpydad,


I'm there but I'm not sure I can articulate how I got here. After years of trying I came to the realization that we would never have what I would call a sex life, let alone a fulfilling one, and I changed my mindset. Some techniques:


- Look the other way when she is changing or arrange to be out of the room entirely.


- Reduce the intensity of every interaction from hugs to kisses to conversation.


- Stop looking for favorable signs from her.


- Stop or at least reduce

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2008
In reply to: oldgrumpydad
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 5:15pm
Practice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
In reply to: oldgrumpydad
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 10:53am

I suppose I should be kind enough to mention the pros to my 10 year trip. DW is much less stressed these days, much less moody now that she doesn't have to wonder when I'm going to 'come after' her and pressure her. Our emotional/personal relationship is far better than ever before because, I presume, she no longer has to worry if something she says or something she wears will get my motor running. Mornings and bedtimes are far more relaxed now that she never has to worry about trying to avoid or repel me.


And now that I have no expectations and have turned my attention to other things to occupy me I find myself less stressed now that I no longer wonder when or how or what I'll be able to get away with.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
In reply to: oldgrumpydad
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 1:04pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
In reply to: oldgrumpydad
Tue, 03-10-2009 - 8:50pm
I'll probably, once again get shot down for this, but it's my opinion that in cases where one spouse reuses to compromise in the libido "game" that person is merely displaying a controlling nature.
Often it is assumed that only men can have this trait, but, by now, you should be aware that this isn't true.
I went through this with my deceased wife and can assure you that I would never consider capitulating again.
We ALL deserve happiness in life and shouldn't be expected to bow down to another's wishes if we aren't receiving something in return.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
In reply to: oldgrumpydad
Wed, 03-11-2009 - 1:55pm

You are correct, in this instance it is partially a matter of control. She wants to have control over our sex life so that it is always in her comfort zone. It may not be necessarily satisfying for me but it is acceptable.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
In reply to: oldgrumpydad
Wed, 03-11-2009 - 3:42pm
...I think that women are far more controlling when it comes to sexual relationships...but, the LL holds the strings regardless of gender...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2008
In reply to: oldgrumpydad
Thu, 03-12-2009 - 12:57pm

Hi grumpy,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
In reply to: oldgrumpydad
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 12:47pm
wow, weird, dejavu even. These items have been working for me too haven't been at it for ten years though but for the last two its been a positive direction for me. My wife lost interest in sex a few years ago, she refused medical help or counseling in any way and just insisted that I suck it up and deal with it. I realized that I was old but I was still horny. Got involved in a few community activities and
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2007
In reply to: oldgrumpydad
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 11:16am

With me, it just took a good dose of A.G.E. to get over my sexual desire. It's part low testosterone due to aging, and part just being tired of the whole HL/LL conflict.

My DW never had much interest in sex, but since menopause has none whatsoever. She admits that she has no passionate feelings and no sexual desire, but she says that this is a normal part of aging and you can't cure normal! Knowing that your spouse is not interested does a lot toward cutting your own interest.

When you get a little horny, just remind yourself, "He/She doesn't want me..." Sad, but it does help.

"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

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