Finally came to a head

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Finally came to a head
25
Mon, 06-01-2009 - 4:39pm

Hi.

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Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 06-01-2009 - 9:59pm

Let me see if I understand the situation correctly.


She doesn't want sex for herself, but she is willing to schedule it and hold to the schedule because she knows that you are reliant on her for your satisfaction.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 10:43am
It's sad that this is the reality that so many of us have to come to accept. If we are lucky because it could, indeed, be much worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2007
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 11:44am

I totally understand how painful it can be to have an unfulfilling sex life with someone you love so much. And how it can spill over to affect your mood, and other parts of the relationship.

However, I can't even begin to describe how lucky you are that your wife is at least TRYING to understand how important this is to you, and seems to be making an effort to extend herself beyond HER current desire level to accommodate yours.

I know this is far from your ideal scenario, but my advice would be to take EVERY POSSIBLE non-verbal opportunity to SHOW her how much you appreciate her efforts. Show her how much her INTENTIONS endear her to you even more than the actual actions!

I'd be treating my wife like a queen for showing even half of the concern yours is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 11:47am

Hold, you've hit this precisely on the head! I can imagine (well actually, I don't HAVE to imagine) how his wife is feeling. No matter what she does, no matter how much she puts herself out, he's not happy with what she can honestly provide. She's sad, mad, and feeling defective in every way. In her way, she's in at LEAST as much pain as he is, real PAIN. She cares, but as long as he remains dissatisfied with her best efforts, her caring stands a good chance of becoming resentment and bitterness.

A 'why bother' attitude can't be far behind. If he wants this relationship to continue he needs to reward her efforts with the things that make her feel special, valued, loved and appreciated.

I'm living her nightmare, it sucks worse than any HL can imagine.




Edited 6/2/2009 1:27 pm ET by mirandarr8
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 1:14pm
....wow, I must have read a different post because I did not read that his wife was turned off by the smells and textures of sex...and, I certainly did not read that no matter how hard his wife tries he is not satisfied...I read that she doesn't like the wet spot and he doesn't know if her efforts are sustainable...I am sure that you are all right on the money...I do feel like I read a different post altogether...I don't like the wet spot either and my husband gets up almost immediately to clean himself off and urinate as he was told by his urologist that it was a good idea to do so...I don't believe that either of us are turned off by elements of sex at all...but, like I said...you are all probably right on the money...I guess the part that I am baffled by is the pronouncement that no matter how hard she tries, he's not satisfied...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 1:25pm

Do you have any kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 1:51pm

<>

The problem with this advice is that you are not guaranteed to do any better with any other person. Statistically speaking, he is bound to have this same issue with a new partner. Maybe not immediately but almost assuredly somewhere down the line, which is worse. It's far better, in my opinion, to stick with someone who is willing to work with you -- assuming everything else is good -- than hope you hit the sexual lottery on the next go round.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 4:56pm

Thanks to everyone who replied.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 5:54pm

>>>>> We have a 2 year old in the house. <<<<<


Bzzzzz.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2009
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 9:07am

Maybe time to throw her a afternoon off? A nice Saturday Afternoon of salon and lunch out, light shopping for her only. this while YOU take the kid. When she gets home have a sitter there to handle the childcare Go to dinner, movie ,bowling any dating activity she used to like.....But don't push the Sex....It's fine to allow it as an option...just not as a given. Repeat every 2-4 weeks as needed.

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