the frustration never ends

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2009
the frustration never ends
11
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 2:59am

I've never posted here before but I'm really hoping that venting will help ease the frustration of having a wife who never, ever willingly wants to have sex.

Tonight really cemented my need for an outlet. A frequent event happened that just forced me to do my best to just ignore and remain calm. Getting in a fight about anything to do with affection just makes things worse. To be fair, I am terrible in bed now. The lack of frequency means I come instantly leaving things probably worse every time I am able to convince her to have sex with me, which is maybe once a month.

So, the event- it happens all the time, and it just gets me down. I'll get home from work, or come into the same room as my wife and she smoothly zips up her sweatshirt or jacket or whatever else will cover up her chest completely. From my perspective, it is an obvious attempt to distance herself physically from me. But, come on! First of all, our house isn't cold, so there's no need for a sweatshirt or jacket to begin with. Second, she wears skin tight shirts to work and out around town all the time. She's in great shape, although she always says she's fat.

It just hurts, to get that gesture thrown in my face. Aside from rarely having sex, our relationship is ok. We have kids and the usual tiredness, neverending days, and endless things to do. But, I haven't french kissed my wife in 10 years. She always pulls away after a peck kiss like I'm going way over the top. And if I bring up wanting sex ever, I get a huge guilt trip about "pressure to be romantic". I realize that having kids really changes a woman and I try my best to be understanding. But, seriously, the "I'm tired" excuse is understandable except when your wife continually finds new ways to fill up her day causing the exhaustion, even though I ask that she ease up a bit and be a little more rested.

Anyway, I wish I could disconnect the desire until she feels like it again. Will it ever happen? I don't know. She used to love having sex. . I don't really feel like being with anyone else. But I feel a little better already after venting a bit.

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Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 10:46am

Welcome. Sorry to hear you need us. Glad you found us.

No easy fixes here. Will take time and effort on both your parts.

I suggest visiting the Marriagebuilders web site. And Divorce Busters.

Tell us a little more about how you get along and maybe we will have more suggestions.

When you see it coming, duck!

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 1:33pm
Hi... I happen to be on the same in as your wife in my relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 3:45pm

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Which is what? It is terribly tragic to me that so many women seem to be so miserable after having kids even though that's what most women seem to want the most in life. Very sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 09-30-2009 - 4:29pm

<>

I agree...what is so trying about living life with children and jobs that makes fostering ALL parts of a marital relationship a burden?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2009
Thu, 10-01-2009 - 4:10am

Thanks for the insight, dmom. I really want to be understanding and for her to be happy. It's really hard to find time and the right moment to talk with the busy days of work, kids, everything else. I wish I could put my desire on hold sometimes. Women can somehow just feel when it's there and it can put a damper on just hanging out. It's such a tough situation because I don't hear any women talk about "understanding" where a man is coming from. I never wished or expected that I would be desperate to be intimate with my wife. I used to be the exciting, wanted man. All the busy details take their toll on men, too. And I'm the type that puts in extra to try and make up for my wife's tiredness. But I rarely hear any thanks or recognition.

Another frustration is that I have been in this type of situation before with a girlfriend many years before getting married. I was young and dated a girl for 2 years. By the first year, things got boring and I remember getting the same type of response physically from her. She used to complain that we were like an old couple and I agreed. I didn't know better and got very low self esteem. By the time we broke up, I had no mojo. I couldn't get a girl to kiss me, because, like I said- women can just sense desperation. My ex girlfriend said things like we were more like brother and sister. That hurt. Once I became myself again and was easily dating attractive women, and had gotten over the ex, all of a sudden she was interested in me very much again. It was totally unexpected and I blew her off. I felt I had grown so much as an individual and felt good about myself again.

In a marriage, I don't want to be with someone else so my wife takes an interest in me, but I very much do want to get that confidence back and feel good about myself. How? How? How/ (rhetorical ;) ). That's why I wish I could turn off my physical desire and just be myself. I just want to have fun with my family and enjoy life. It just pisses me off that I have to act like I'm not interested in my wife for her to notice me. And I know that works, at least partially, because I have, at times been able to gain that confidence temporarily and all of a sudden she has a different attitude and gets nice to me again. But, somehow it breaks down time after time...ugh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 10-01-2009 - 8:11am

"In a marriage, I don't want to be with someone else so my wife takes an interest in me, but I very much do want to get that confidence back and feel good about myself. How? How? How/ (rhetorical ;) ). That's why I wish I could turn off my physical desire and just be myself. I just want to have fun with my family and enjoy life. It just pisses me off that I have to act like I'm not interested in my wife for her to notice me. And I know that works, at least partially, because I have, at times been able to gain that confidence temporarily and all of a sudden she has a different attitude and gets nice to me again. But, somehow it breaks down time after time...ugh."


Well try to remember, physical desire is part of who you are.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 10-01-2009 - 9:15am

I think you have hit on the mechanism.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Thu, 10-01-2009 - 10:48am
...what a great response...(slam dunk!) and, I do wish that you would follow it Hold...you're such a great cyber guy...Mrs. Hold should be grateful...and, you absolutely are not allowed to respond to my words with any reason whatsoever as to why Mrs. Hold should not be grateful!!!...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 10-01-2009 - 3:24pm

...I very much do want to get that confidence back and feel good about myself. How? How? How/ (rhetorical ;) ). That's why I wish I could turn off my physical desire and just be myself. I just want to have fun with my family and enjoy life. It just pisses me off that I have to act like I'm not interested in my wife for her to notice me. And I know that works, at least partially, because I have, at times been able to gain that confidence temporarily and all of a sudden she has a different attitude and gets nice to me again. But, somehow it breaks down time after time...ugh.


I know the question was rhetorical, but I am going through this same thing and feel accountable to relate what I've done and what I'm doing. I'm not saying it works for all men, but it seems to be working for me so maybe it would work for others.


I started by realizing that I had become emotionally dependent on my wife. I needed her to constantly tell me that I was a worthwhile person and that I matter through her words, touch, sex, etc. Once I realized that, I then realized that I was putting an unwelcome burden on her. (I actually had a vivid dream about this in which I was a woman on whom other men were dependent for their very lives: husband, son, son in utero,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2009
Sat, 10-03-2009 - 3:18am
Wow, that is definitely inspiring and after reading it, I've taken a new attitude on my life. I'll try to stick with it and focus on the positive. I can understand about the emotional dependence. I have been stuck in that type of situation, only more of a financial dependence. It's hard to be the man when your wife makes more money than you and frequently reminds you of her status as the main breadwinner. There's so many levels to this. I understand that that also carries the bulk of the burden on her and more, which only kills any spark of romance even more. But, I recently took initiative in furthering my career and it's going well. I will try to carry myself more confidently. Just today, caught myself putting myself down at work, only to realize what I had just done- even though I had actually done a good job on a project. Well, it's late and I'm rambling so I need to cut it off. But I have to say, the support I've received here already has given me hope and made me feel better about myself. Since I started I've actually cared much less about sleeping with my wife. I think it's hard to realize that I probably need to be able to say I could care less about having sex before she might have any interest again. There's that little voice that says if I forget it, I might miss out. But- can't miss out any more that I am. Um, only had sex 9 times this year(yes, I'm counting), all after putting on great pressure and getting guilt trip after. lol

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