Giving Up

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Giving Up
43
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 2:43pm

I have finally just thrown in the towel. I've given up completely.


A little history. I'm the HL. I would like sex once a week. But I would like some physical attention. Hug, Kiss, a cuddle in bed. Nothing. My wife says if I want to do that I just should but why does she have to do it back?! She seems to think that is what "married" people do. Nothing. She says things like, "That's what married people do. We've been married 20 years and you want to act like we are dating."


Not any more. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of always being the one to initiate everything. From a kiss to full blown sex. Sex all 10 minutes of it once a month! I won't miss that because there is not much to miss! I'm just not going to do any of it any more. No more flowers just because, no more notes saying I love you. Nothing ,I'm done. I'm going to act married from now on.


It's actually kind of liberating. I would try so hard to be loving and romantic and when I got nothing in return I felt terrible. Now I don't feel so bad. Feels like I've stopped bagging my head against the wall for so long not having the pain feels good!


Anyone else just given up?


 

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Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: italybiker
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 2:48pm

>>>>> Anyone else just given up?

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
In reply to: italybiker
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 2:57pm

>>Anyone else just given up?<<

Yep, count me in as well. In fact, my penis gave up first. . . it's hard to get excited when your spouse doesn't seem to desire you at all.

As for romantic gestures. . . yep, I've started to give those up, too. It pains me- I was always doing things like secretly having jewelry custom-made for her. . . and making her 20 origami roses (with stems) in an origami vase to celebrate the 20th anniversary of our first kiss : (

Damn, I probably spent over 40 hours at night making those roses but she couldn't even make love to me on our anniversary, let alone give me a passionate kiss. (Needless to say, I didn't get a gift).

It's very sad to me that I not only remember our first passionate kiss, but I also remember our last . . .

-dadguy

BTW, my wife said some eerily similar things about marriage AFTER we were married. Things like "married people don't French kiss" and "married people who lived together don't have sex on their wedding night or on their honeymoon". . . I wish somebody had TOLD me these things about marriage BEFORE we were married!!!




Edited 6/6/2008 3:31 pm ET by dadguy23
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
In reply to: italybiker
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 3:18pm

"We've been married 20 years and you want to act like we are dating."


Like that's a BAD thing?!? **shaking head and rolling eyes**


Again, I just don't get some of these wives!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: italybiker
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 3:23pm

<<"That's what married people do. We've been married 20 years and you want to act like we are dating.">>

Have you ever sat down with her and collected a list of things that married people do and don't do? Where did she get those ideas from?

While I'm not sure that you can ever turn this around since her ideas seem to be too far entrenched, it might be helpful to understand why she believes as she does. She is not wrong for having those ideas but she is certainly wrong for not trying to work with you at all to meet your needs.

I don't understand why you would try so hard for so long with so little response from her? What need was that fulfilling in you? Did (do) you feel like she would come around if only you loved her more and/or tried harder? That is classic behavior for someone who does not feel worthy of love, usually in response to your relationship to your parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
In reply to: italybiker
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 3:31pm

"I was always doing things like secretly having jewelry custom-made for her. . . and making her 20 origami roses (with stems) in an origami vase to celebrate the 20th anniversary of our first kiss : (Damn, I probably spent over 40 hours at night making those roses but she couldn't even make love to me on our anniversary, let alone give me a passionate kiss. (Needless to say, I didn't get a gift)."


Oh, I remember the origami rose thing. I remember thinking (and I'm pretty sure I even said on here) that you were probably wasting your time, that she would not appreciate it at all. (not to say "I told you so," but...."I told you so" LOL! ;^)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
In reply to: italybiker
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 3:49pm

The problem in many of these situations is that you are showing your love in a language you understand but which does not translate to your partner. So, in effect, you are wasting your time and effort making all these romantic gestures because they hold no romantic currency for your partner.

What romantic currency does your partner value? It makes you feel good to do these things otherwise you wouldn't do them. That you attach expectations to these gestures is not your partner's fault. A true gift carries no expectations.

There may well be many women that love romantic gestures like these but my sense is that the fascination with them wears out pretty soon for most. Many people make the mistake of confusing romance with love. I have a friend that stayed in an abusive marriage for much too long because he was "so romantic" (when he wasn't abusing her emotionally and physically, I suppose).

The bottom line is that you must either learn to speak your partner's love language or you must find another partner for whom it is already their native tongue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
In reply to: italybiker
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 3:55pm

>>The bottom line is that you must either learn to speak your partner's love language or you must find another partner for whom it is already their native tongue.<<

You do have a point, but I have attempted to learn her 'love languages'. . . it still doesn't necessarily translate to more affection or sex because she may be unwilling/unable to speak MINE.

What do you do, though, when a spouse expects you to treat him/her BADLY and only then feels sexually towards you? I think this is one of the classic outcomes from abuse and I am NOT able to ignore her/treat her disrespectfully just so that she 'chases' me and tries to win my 'approval'. . .

-dadguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
In reply to: italybiker
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 4:03pm

I think there is only one language for romance. It's called being kind and loving to the person who swore to love you until death parted you. That same language was fine while we dated and were first married. Did something change? Yeah, she changed. It's the language of excuse now. I'm too tired, I want to read my book, the children might hear, etc. Well, I'm not going for that anymore. Don't want to be touched. You got your wish. Don't appreciate the little romantic thing I do. Forget that too. You want to be a roommate with children. You have your wish.


 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
In reply to: italybiker
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 4:16pm

Please don't take this as me jumping on you guys but.......



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
In reply to: italybiker
Fri, 06-06-2008 - 6:17pm

"The bottom line is that you must either learn to speak your partner's love language or you must find another partner for whom it is already their native tongue."


Unfortunately trying to figure out and speak their love language has no guarantee either.

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