Going out of my mind!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2009
Going out of my mind!
17
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 12:40am

Hi Guys, I'm new to the msg board and am having some issues in my marriage.

I'll try to give a quick background of myself. I'm 28 my husband is 33. We've been married for 6 years and have 5 year old twins. I'm a stay at home mom while my husband works. That's the general stuff...now my problem. :(

I have come to realize our libidos are very mismatched and I'm slowly losing my mind. I don't believe intimacy or sex is the most important thing in a relationship, but I do think it ranks fairly high. We have sex or intimate moments once every 6 to 8 weeks. For him he doesn't seem to care but it's killing me. I don't need to be intimate everyday or even a couple times a week. But once a week would be nice. I feel like I'm always bringing this up and he makes me feel like I'm some kind of freak or something....like I want it all the time. I've tried talking to him about it and he said it's all in my head and that there's no problem. I've been dealing with this for years and now I feel like I'm ready to move on. And every time I feel like packing up and leaving I think to myself I'm being childish and ignorant because aside from this he's a good man. Should I really be complaining about him spending time with me? After all he is a great father and a great provider. So am I just being selfish?
I truly don't want to walk away but I want to feel like I have passion in my relationship. With my husband I feel like we are just really good friends and that's it. If there were other things I couldn't get him to do like having similar interests that would be fine because I could do that with someone else, but this is sacred I can't just go sleep with some other guy. I'm so confused, frustrated and feel soooo alone. It's starting to make me feel depressed and unhappy with my relationship.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I could really use some help!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2009
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 1:04am
Hi I have another question.
For most of my life my closest friends were guys. And I've never known a guy to not be interested in sex. My friends are always talking about it. That's like their main discussion. I've talked to them about my problem and they always tell me to cheat (they're joking) but they tell me they can't help because they're not like my husband, they don't understand it. Is there something wrong with my husband or is something wrong with me? Is it common for guys to be disinterested in sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 7:22am

Yes, it is common. But most men would rather say they are "gay" than say they don't like sex. I think you are brave to bring it up with your friends. Most woman would not admit that their man doesn't like it. Doesn't make him sound too masculine.


I'm not one of those guys so I cannot look into his mind. I'm the HL. But I can tell you it's NOT YOU. He would be that way with any woman. I would tell him you both have to go to a good therapist. Mrs. Italy and have and it has work wonders for our marriage.


Good luck


Ciao


IB

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 10:41am

Hi, Irene.


Your story sounds similar to mine so I'm hoping some of my hard-won perspective can help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2009
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 1:49pm

Thank you for you reply. I really appreciate it. Things have been so hard and it becomes even harder when you have no one to talk to that understands.

First thing I do want to clarify our sex life. We were together for 5 months before we slept together and a year before we got married, (things were great in this time frame, but it was also the honeymoon phase) 4 months after getting married I got pregnant. Then it was all down hill. During my pregnancy is when I realized we had a problem. He did not want to touch me at all and even told me it was disgusting to have any kind of sexual contact with me while I was pregnant. That really, really messed my head up for a long time. Then after I had my kids I couldn't get all the weight off so I began thinking I was still disgusting to sleep with. I've asked him about this and he claims he has no problem with a little extra weight. But who really knows. For years I ignored this situation, but within the past year I just can't take it anymore.

Rejoining the work force: Yeah I've been dealing with this the past couple of months. I was planning on going back to work when my kids started school in the fall. Regardless of being separated or not. I don't want to have to depend on him I never did. We just thought it would be best for me to raise our kids. Financially my biggest problem is moving because I won't be able to afford our home on my own. I feel like if I leave my kids will definitely be hurt the most by all of it. I'll struggle to give them the things their father gives them so easily. And as far as him hiding money or assets. yeah I wouldn't put it past him. He thinks he has worked hard to build what we have and I should't be able to take it from him. Especially not over SEX.

Bringing up the conversation of sex: I am all about communication I'm very upfront with things because I don't believe in beating around the bush. But I do have a problem with bringing up not having sex a lot. Because then I feel like if we do have sex after a talk, it's pity sex and I don't want that I want someone to desire me and be passionate about wanting me. We have talked about what I want and more importantly what I feel I need. and he'll work at it for a few weeks and then it's back to the same old routine. I think one of the things that frustrate me so bad is the fact he won't admit there's a problem. I would like some honesty so we can try to remedy the situation or walk away. He claims he wants me all the time but if he wants me all the time and I want him than why isn't it happening more often then every 6 weeks or so? Why can't he just tell me the truth that he doesn't want me or he doesn't want sex because he has no problem pleasuring himself a few times a week. So I know he likes the act of sex maybe he just wants to do it alone. This makes me feel even more rejected. Do you have this problem with your husband?
Am I taking it to personal that he can't have sex with me but he can have it by him self?

Finding it some where else: I have thought about stepping out of my marriage, but I just can't do it. Even if we both agree that it would be fine. I just can't imagine going out with someone else just to have sex and then coming home to my husband. For me it just doesn't work.

Another question what constitutes a HL? I don't think I have a HL I would be happy once a week maybe even once every two weeks.

One final question How do I stop feeling like it's all my fault?

Thank you so much for the great advice and support. I'm so confused and frustrated, it's good to be able to talk to someone who can relate.
~I

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2009
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 1:59pm

Telling my friends was rough I just felt like I had no where else to turn. They still tease me about it from time to time. :) That's just the relationship we have. But they have also been supportive by listening. Sometimes that's all you can do.

Something you said made me think about things. You said "it's not you, he would be that way with any woman" You know when I first started asking why we weren't having sex. He told me he didn't want to do it all the time because that's how he was in the past and it always became boring or one of them would end up cheating.
So now I'm wondering if something in the past happened and now this is how he deals with it. Like if he doesn't sleep with me often he won't lose interest?
This is just so frustrating. How do you deal with being the HL?
And have you ever cheated? What have you done to make things work for your marriage?

Thanks for your response and support!
~I

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 4:43pm

Two things happened to me when I got pregnant and they made sex a non-issue for the first time in our relationship. First, my sense of smell when off the chart. Unless he showered immediately before coming to bed, I couldn't stand the smell of him (I think it was his hair but I wasn't going to get close enough to find out). Just about the time that wore off, my sex drive vanished. We didn't have sex four at least four months, possibly more. I just didn't want it.


Lots of men think the money is theirs, all theirs, and never acknowledge the fact that 95% of them couldn't afford the surrogate and 24-hour care they would need if they had to pay someone to bring their children into the world and care for them while daddy goes to work. You make each others' lives possible. Embroider it on a cushion if you need the reminder.


I know my husband loves me and I know he doesn't equate physical intimacy with that love. He has to be reminded that I need that intimacy. I don't view the resultant sex as pity sex. I just think of it as feeding the monster. (I keep that to myself, though. I don't need him forming that visual in

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Sun, 06-28-2009 - 6:27pm

He...even told me it was disgusting to have any kind of sexual contact with me while I was pregnant...Then after I had my kids I couldn't get all the weight off so I began thinking I was still disgusting to sleep with. I've asked him about this and he claims he has no problem with a little extra weight. But who really knows.


It seems that you interpreted "it was disgusting" to mean that you were disgusting. There could be another meaning you overlooked. Some people refer to bad behavior as disgusting. And some people believe that it's harmful to a fetus to have sex with the mother. I know the medical evidence doesn't support that, but some people think that way nonetheless. And if a man already has a low libido and pregnant women appear to be "off limits" or simply unattractive to him because his subconscious mind doesn't like the idea that he could be doing something harmful or morally wrong, I can see how his libido would drop even lower. My point is, he may have been saying that having sex with you during pregnancy would be disgusting behavior on his part--not that you yourself were disgusting.


Am I taking it to personal that he can't have sex with me but he can have it by him self?


Some of us HL's--including me and apparently you--do take it too personally. I know it sounds crazy, but separating sexual rejection from personal rejection is important for us to learn. He's not rejecting you, he's just rejecting coupled sex.


Another question what constitutes a HL? I don't think I have a HL I would be happy once a week maybe even once every two weeks.


Some people here may disagree, but I think an HL is simply a person whose mate wants sex less often than they do. I don't think of it as "high libido" in an objective sense, but "higher libido" in a subjective sense. It's kind of like measuring speed--it's relative to who else is in the race. If you're racing the tortoise, you appear fast. If you're racing

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2009
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 5:42pm

Thank you for all the support and advice.

This has really been hard for me, and I am soooo happy I found people to talk to. I can't lie for a while I thought I was all alone. I didn't realize how big of an issue MLs are.

I talked to my husband this morning but I really don't think he gets the big picture. He thinks it's all about SEX. Like it's petty for me to argue with him over this issue, when day to day stresses are tough enough. For me it's not all about sex it's about feeling wanted and feeling passion in a relationship. I don't know how to make him understand that. Something else that's been bothering me is him offering to set aside some "time" so we can have "alone time" Like he's gonna set up an appointment with me. This might work for some people but it definitely does not for me. I want it to be spontaneous. I don't want to have to think about it or plan it out. I don't want to feel like it's a chore for him. I kind of felt like he gave me the same look and attitude when I ask him to take the garbage out. I'm a person I have feelings and needs and I feel like he's stepping all over them. And then he tells me if I find out your sleeping around I'll file for divorce and never come back. That's the furthest thing from my mind.....why does he automatically go there? I've never mentioned sleeping with anyone but him. And why isn't he more concerned with "how can I fix my marriage" and not "she's sleeping around"? It seems like that's all he was focusing on. Asking if I've been looking for someone else or have I already found someone. I just don't understand guys sometimes. I'm crying out to him so we can fix our marriage and he's worried about me being with someone else.

Sorry for ranting on and on I'm just sooo frustrated.
I want to save my marriage, but I don't want to wait another 5 years and realize it's still not working.

Why isn't there some magic fairy dust that will fix this?
Thanks for listening,
~Irene

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 06-29-2009 - 5:50pm

<< Something else that's been bothering me is him offering to set aside some "time" so we can have "alone time" Like he's gonna set up an appointment with me.>>

I realize that this is not ideal, but if you have any hope of managing the mismatch, you are going to have to compromise on this. If you are not willing to compromise, don't expect him to either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Tue, 06-30-2009 - 11:52am
You sound so like me. I am a HL wife too and he acts like it's no big deal.

Pages