Had to let her go

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Had to let her go
95
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 5:27pm

I'm the only guy she's been with in regards to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 04-05-2012 - 11:07am

Honeslty, I tihnk you are reading too much into it and looking for similiarities, etc,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Thu, 04-05-2012 - 12:59pm

Thanks, I'm still on track but as with mourning any loss, the mind always wanders to the easy way out.

Last night she asked why I don't initiate conversations now or respond to her initiations unless I can do so within a few minutes and I told her that I refused to risk interrupting her goals. She responded that she was not in a relationship nor was she planning to get into one so there was nothing to interrupt. I reminded her that I said 'goals' and nothing about a relationship. Then I went on to explain that

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 1:41pm

Update.

Yesterday was the first NC day with my ex gf. I'm still only responding to her if I can do so within a few minutes and for the last couple of weeks, we haven't exchanged more than 50 words each, per day... basically pleasantries. I can't blame her if she has given up on me as I offer her nothing but continued freedom.

After work today, I'm going for coffee with the 'hottie' that I worked with several years ago. Her life is a mess atm but I know how much potential that she has so I'm looking for a friendship only as well as a co-sufferer in my six month stint of singledom. Now that I have a better understanding of the benefits of equity within a relationship, it will be interesting to see how and where I can apply it to what would otherwise be a lopsided scenario (me as rescuer). My first condition of friendship was that she make one positive change in her life each week and make it stick. These will be discussed between us

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 1:45pm
Glenn, you are such a natural dominant I do not know how you will ever thrive in a relationship where you are not at least in part "rescuer" or "daddy" in one way or another. Of course I do not know if that necessarily precludes one from having a totally equitable partnership or not...sort of depends on your point of view.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 2:13pm

By equity I do not mean a perfect

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 2:52pm
So then your point of view does not view power exchange as inherently opposed to equity. Nuff said.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 3:26pm
Seems to me that viewing something as inherently coercive is by definition dehumanizing the participants. That is, it denies human agency. Very different than saying that something is so frequently coercive that we view it with suspicion.

Young impressionable person permits more experienced person to be dominant. Why is that inherently an unequal trade? It is one thing to say we worry that the older person is taking advantage. It is another to say that the younger person is incapable of striking a good deal for themselves. After all, when we consider gold-diggers, who do we generally consider the "victim"? Just because two parties do not bring the same qualities to the relationship does not mean that their contributions do not have equal value.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 3:55pm
Oh I know that, Hold. I truly do. I share Glenn's view of dominance and submission having the capacity to be totally equitable. But not everyone does view it that way. And if it goes astray, it has the ability to go WAY astray and into taking advantage territory very quickly, as you note with your comments on coersion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 4:07pm

About a week after we broke up, we had a lively text exchange and I ended up saving one of her text which I refer to at least one a day to help keep me on track.

"I don't ever expect to have a better relationship. I can't even imagine such a thing exists. I just want to experience sex with other guys and I don't want to marry the first guy that I had sex with."

That pretty much sums up our situation and I only posted it here to say that female, familial submission can work for both parties.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 4:14pm
It definitely can and does. But both parties have to be aware of the rights and responsibilities of the situation. And there need to be some checks and balances there, if you know what I mean. No one here is going to say that my situation "works" right? So there are examples on both sides of that fence.

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