He makes the excuses
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| Tue, 05-05-2009 - 12:32am |
So the issue is with me and my fiance. Don’t get me wrong, I love him with all my heart. I will marry him one day.
But he never wants sex. He always has some sort of excuse. It’s usually he is just to tired and/or sore from working. I look forward to his days off in hopes that something might happen. But nothing does. He doesn’t even like to snuggle when we sleep. He says it makes him to warm. I suggest a thinner blanket and he makes more excuses. Whenever we do have sex I initiate it. We have discussed our issues again and again and again, but nothing ever improves. He says it’s because of his age. He is only 31! I am 20.
I always feel it is my fault. I am overweight and never considered myself attractive. He keeps telling me that it is not because of me and that he finds me attractive.
He always gets angry at everything. Never at me but he always snaps at me and always talks in a negative tone to me. I feel pathetic when I begin to cry. He’s begin to ignore when I cry now, it happens too often. I am just frustrated!!! I feel like he is distant from me and I hate it when I doubt that he loves me. Because I love him so much and I know he loves me.
It’s hard to write this. I am having a hard time organizing my thoughts. I just want a solution. And I’m not just looking at ways to make him want more sex, I am willing to look at ways of making me want it less. Anything to make the feeling of rejection and frustration go away.
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Read back what you wrote.
I married my DH knowing about our ML. When I complain about it to the only person in my life who can understand, my maid of honour who knew us both very well before the wedding, she reminds me that I knew about the ML before I said, "I do." The only thing that keeps that reminder from being a crushing blow is that he's a wonderful man. He's sweet. He's great to talk to. He gets me in every way except this one. He's my best friend without one benefit.
Ask yourself with all the naked honesty you can muster whether your fiancé is your best friend, the person you can always turn to no matter what. Is he that person now? If he isn't -- and your post makes him sound that way
I don't know how to explain our relationship. I love him and he is my best friend. Sexual frustration leads into other frustrations.
I reread what I wrote before and I realize what I wrote makes him out to be the bad guy in a way. He isn't. He is wonderful and mostly understanding about almost everything. He does not ignore me crying every single time, it is usually only after we have had a disagreement. He usually goes for a walk to "cool off". If he comes back and I am curled up in bed crying he will leave me alone. I know his way of dealing with things is to be alone for a bit and deal with it before talking. To him if I am crying I am still not ready to talk.
I suffer from depression off and on. One day I will be crying and angry and the next day nothing can get me down. I know this, he knows this. It is hard for both of us to deal with it when I get depressed. I wrote the first part of my question when I was in a downward portion of my depression.
And I believe I posted on here to quickly. I have yet to read a true success story. Almost every post is simply sympathy or a "I know what you feel like" or an unhelpful "it'll never get better, deal with it". And simply saying to me that this relationship won't work, or he isn't meant for you, or being single isn't so bad, etc, is not helpful. I know this relationship works, and I know relationships of any kind take work. Hell, after a certain age every single day of living takes some sort of work, compromise, commitment, coping etc.
I am simply looking for a way to cope with a ll-hl relationship as the hl. I am not simply saying I want him to start giving me more sex, or I want to be able to make myself want less sex. I want a way to deal with the lack of sex without becoming frustrated, angry or depressed. I love him, plain and simple. I have loved him for a long time and I will continue to love him. For those in a relationship who can understand this then you must know no matter what anyone else says, no matter others opinions, I will be with him.
<< I want a way to deal with the lack of sex without becoming frustrated, angry or depressed.>>
Good luck with that one. I don't know anyone that has found that kind of peace within their current relationship without one or both partners making significant changes.
I consider my case a success story but it has taken a great deal of compromise and a wholesale change in my expectations. I'll likely never have the type of sexual partner that I wanted, that I thought I deserved even. I've learned to accept that -- for the most part. That's the only way to you can deal with it: acceptance.
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Well then you have no choice but to accept him as he is. You cannot change him and you cannot make your needs go away. You've chosen your own fate.
I want a way to deal with the lack of sex without becoming frustrated, angry or depressed.
Hey, I am the HL and my BF is the LL in my relationship. Except that all the other parts of our relationship is good. The best I've ever had, in fact, and I'm in my forties. At least I have something to compare it to.
If you refuse to leave, and he refuses to change, then your only option is acceptance. That is what I chose. I backed off and let him decide when, where, and how. The sex improved in both frequency and quality, but I make myself *never* complain about it, ever. I don't let myself get depressed about it. I don't let myself even mention it.
I am a drinker (I like my beer and margaritas when we go out), and he (mostly) isn't, so we joke sometimes that he needs to buy me some drinks to get me in the mood (when it really is the other way around), but that is the extent of my "complaining". You either decide you can live with what you have, or you leave. Or you choose another option (cheating, etc.). But nobody has found a way to make themselves "want it less". You either mutually agree to change, or you accept the situation as it is. Sorry, but that is what you've got.
As others have said, it doesn't sound like this guy is so great for you after all.
Open, honest communication seems to be key here. I'm sure you've discussed the topic
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