heart breaking over mismatched libido

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2008
heart breaking over mismatched libido
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 9:31pm

I need help...

I've been with a wonderful man for the past nine months who very clearly loves me and on many occasions has hinted wants to marry me. I'm 30, he's 39, and I'm attracted to him physically and as a person...what's more I can tell he'd be a good husband and a good father. He is responsible, kind, and he grounds me. After being in a few long term relationships I know how special it is to find all these qualities in one man. He's not perfect, but his personality faults are ones I can live with. After all, I'm not perfect either and he puts up with me ;) My friends love him, my parents love, I love him.

So far so good right? The problem is, I don't feel like the woman in this relationship. I'm guessing I'm probably a medium HL, and I've gotten the impression that he is probably a LL. In the beginning we would have sex frequently (evening and morning was normal) but I noticed he would lose erection mid-way through sex about half the time (usually regaining it again) which was frustrating but not the end of the world...I still felt wanted and satisfied. I'd also never experienced a guy who would be fine with not orgasming-- he did/does sometimes, but sometimes he gets "too exhausted" to finish or seems to just want to be inside me and rest, so even early on that "twice a day" wasn't really 2 times if you know what I mean... I have never experienced that before in any relationship.

About three months after we started seeing each other we both got the flu together and spent two weeks in bed without sex... and after that it seems we've never had sex more than twice a week... once a week is probably more accurate and it feels like it could go longer than that without him noticing. And although sometimes he'll initiate it, it usually feels like he is responding to a little prodding... Many nights when getting in bed he announces heartburn, a stomach ache, or similar which always lets me know its not happening whether thats his intention or not. I also know its not happening when he smokes pot before bed... and that happens a lot as well as it helps him sleep.

I think what contributes even more to me feeling like the guy in this relationship is he LOVES being held (not holding me, being held!), always putting his head on my chest or stomach, getting upset when I turn the other way to fall asleep... he seems to need constant physical affection... He loves the "tickles" I give him, but whereas if he were to do those to me I'd be turned on in a second, they are like getting a really happy massage to him. He's also a big "baby talker"... which I can fall into myself but not as much... again very affectionate, but it occasionally makes me feel like a parent, which isn't exactly a turn on for ME. I feel extremely NEEDED but that's not really what I'm going for... and although he can be incredibly masculine and strong at times, I sometimes am left feeling like I am dating a little boy.

This is breaking my heart because I love him so much and there's a part of me that says, you know what, after a few years people start having sex and the rate we are now anyway... having someone who is a really decent, loving human being counts for so much in a life partner and often it seems like its those men who have the lower libidos doesn't it? I don't want to break up. But I'm terrified of having a conversation with him. It's not just LL, it's ED! One time I said something to him after he lost an erection without being able to recover to the effect of "are you attracted to me?"-- not because I doubted that (I always catch him looking at me and he always tells me how gorgeous i am) but because I didn't know of another way to bring up that it wasn't...normal. And he responded "I'm attracted to women (as if that were my question), I'm just tired". Uh.... well that ended that conversation.

Are we doomed?? I could cry. I'm scared to death to have this conversation (and wonder if having one would even help) so please, please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 10:17pm

" I also know its not happening when he smokes pot before bed... and that happens a lot as well as it helps him sleep."

You say he does

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2006
Sat, 07-05-2008 - 3:22am

Hi there,

Did you know that his regular use of marijuana could be causing his sleeplessness?

From the National Institute on Drug Abuse:


"Long-term marijuana abusers trying to quit report irritability, sleeplessness, decreased appetite, anxiety, and drug craving, all of which make it difficult to quit. These withdrawal symptoms begin within about 1 day following abstinence, peak at 2–3 days, and subside within 1 or 2 weeks following drug cessation."

Other side effects listed on the NIDA website:

  • "...an association between chronic marijuana use and increased rates of anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and schizophrenia."

  • "...an abuser’s risk of heart attack more than quadruples in the first hour after smoking marijuana."

  • "In fact, marijuana smoke contains 50 to 70 percent more carcinogenic hydrocarbons than tobacco smoke. Marijuana users usually inhale more deeply and hold their breath longer than tobacco smokers do, which further increases the lungs’ exposure to carcinogenic smoke."

  • "In one study, heavy marijuana abusers reported that the drug impaired several important measures of life achievement including physical and mental health, cognitive abilities, social life, and career status.11 Several studies associate workers’ marijuana smoking with increased absences, tardiness, accidents, workers’ compensation claims, and job turnover."

And that's just to start. A recent study came out that proved that regular marijuana use can cause some parts of the brain to shrink.

As for his problems with ED:

From Drugs.com


In males, conflicting data have been reported regarding the lowering of testosterone levels. Although reduced sperm counts have been reported in controlled trials, these are probably less important than the development of sperm structural abnormalities and motility changes induced by marijuana.

From CNN


"Substance abuse. Chronic use of alcohol, marijuana or other drugs often causes erectile dysfunction and decreased sexual drive. Excessive tobacco use also can damage penile arteries."

Brown University


" Long-term marijuana use suppresses the production of hormones that help regulate the reproductive system. For men, this can cause decreased sperm counts and very heavy users can experience erectile dysfunction."

This man will not be a good father if he doesn't give the pot up. In fact, you might have problems having a healthy baby, or he might not even be able to get you pregnant if he has been using pot for a long time. Is this something you want to set yourself up for????