He'd Rather Be With

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
He'd Rather Be With
15
Mon, 08-10-2009 - 5:54am

It's very tough for me to come on here and just open up about my sex life. I don't really talk with ANYONE about it, not even my closest girlfriend. It's just not my thing. Not to mention, I'm the only one married, most of my friends aren't even in a serious relationship.


I've always had a high libido. And one thing that made my relationship with my partner so great was it seemed he did too. Shortly after we were married I became pregnant, yeah, for the first trimester and about 2 weeks into the second I wasn't really up for any sex. But then I went back to normal and as I progressed farther into my pregnancy the hormones made me even, oh, crazier! I never knew it could get that high! And it hasn't gone down even after having the baby 4 months ago. But once we were married it was almost as if his libido bascially fell off the planet. He is a US Marine and I understand the job is stressful. I even talked to him last week, asking him if it was me (I could understand if my body isn't the greatest post-pregnancy), if it was something else going on, or just stress. He said it was stress. He also said he doesn't place that much value on sex...I can't remeber his exact words, but basically he was saying he didn't need it very often

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Mon, 08-10-2009 - 8:08am

Well just know you aren't the only one that feels this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Mon, 08-10-2009 - 8:15am
Yeah I guess marriage does change people. We had also lived together for about a year and a half (roughly) before getting married (not counting the 6 months he started USMC and then I went to live with him, married). Thanks for the tips, I'll scope some things out!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Mon, 08-10-2009 - 8:40am

I just don't get it. He says sex isn't a high priority, he is too stressed for it...


SO WHY MA*TERB*TE?
and so often too... when I am more than willing 24/7.


I can't help but think "there is so many guys who would love to come home to a wife who is more than willing. not to mention a wife who has dealt with an infant all day. after a stressful day/week...wouldn't it be nice to let everything go in a nice roll in the hay." =(


I hate that this has suddenly popped up. It makes me worry that what if he is still like this after he's done serving?




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Edited 8/10/2009 8:51 am ET by sandm_lewis
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Mon, 08-10-2009 - 10:54am
...it's not "just sex"...it's a need/want that you have that your husband would rather you not turn to someone else to fulfill (I assume)...I've read other posts on here about LLs that prefer masturbation to couple sex...I guess that because sex is not a huge thrill for them and more of a physical release, they prefer to simply get the job done nice, easy, and fast...I'm with you though...if I have a ready, willing, and enthusiastic partner...I'd rather enjoy him...you're cute as you can be, by the way...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Mon, 08-10-2009 - 11:13am

Sorry to hear about your situation. Glad you found us.

I never did get why someone would prefer masturbation
over (so-called) "partnered sex", but there are Low Libido (LL) posters like "Freelancemomma" who have done a good job helping me
understand this.

Anyway, I suggest checking out the following links, reviewing them, and then sharing the info with your husband...

Sexual Fulfillment as one of the Most Important Emotional Needs in Marriage:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html

The Sex-Starved Marriage

http://www.divorcebusting.com/sex_quiz.htm

The Sex-Starved Wife

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Wife-What-When-Desire/dp/0743266269

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Mon, 08-10-2009 - 12:50pm
Thank you! I know I'm pretty, and my body isn't that bad considering I just had a kid and was about 53"+ for my baby belly! I've started working out but still feel so depressed because I don't get any compliments...I get rejected and that just hurts. He had mentioned about 10 months ago that I never really initiate sex, so since then I gathered up courage and tried to be the one who started it, and got rejected...and he wonder's why I don't start it =( I've read other posts and it's crazy how similar a lot of HL stories are! Crazy, yet comforting. Like okay, I'm not a pure nympho!!! I knew after marriage and kids sex kinda drops off in people's lives but I didn't think it would be this soon! We have more than enough time to fit some in (my DS is on his own schedule thank goodness). I've been afraid to dive head into this and bring it up to him because he is already under so much stress, I don't want to add this to the list, and at the same time I can't open up as much as I use to because it's been 6+ months of getting rejected way too often, resulting in low confidence, feeling seperated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Mon, 08-10-2009 - 12:53pm
Thank you for the articles! I'm sure there are tons of resources out there that I had no idea about. But I swallowed my pride and I'm trying to do something about it. I notice some HL's turn to sex toys to help. I might even consider that but I hate the thought of synthetic things being in me, I about hyperventilated when they had to do a vaginal-ultrasound because the baby was too small to be seen through an abdomen-type one. I try to pleasure myself, but I need something more than just the outside stimulated, need something more than just me. Even if I did find some toys though I'm sure after maybe a month or two they wouldn't be enough, because I need that closeness with my partner.


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Edited 8/10/2009 12:55 pm ET by sandm_lewis
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2009
Mon, 08-10-2009 - 7:30pm

I'm seeing so many similarities to my story in the posts of others lately. I hope it's not that I'm feeling sorry for myself.


My husband is military too. He came into the relationship LL so I can't say he ever presented as anything else. I didn't think it would matter because women are supposed to have to fight their husbands off, aren't they. Particularly the wives of military men. I figured at some point I'd duck below him in terms of readiness. Hasn't happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Mon, 08-10-2009 - 7:50pm
Thank you for your insight. I'm glad I've found others who are like me but at the same time it doesn't make me feel too much better because there are others out there suffering like I did. What saddens me is we're still "newlyweds" and I've now found this out. This wasn't something I was expecting so soon. 2 months ago I purchased some lingerie, and DH loved it. But money is tight so I don't want to go buying a bunch of stuff. It could be deep down he is bored as well. Maybe I'll try somethings to spice it up as well. If that doesn't make much of a difference I'll have to be "firm" (as some have said this is what is needed to shake some reality into their LLs). I hope other LLs post their advice as well. I honestly didn't know sex wasn't a high priority, we've always had such a great sex life and sometimes he was even more HL than me, until about a year ago.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Tue, 08-11-2009 - 8:07am
"I just don't get it. He says sex isn't a high priority, he is too stressed for it...

SO WHY MA*TERB*TE?
and so often too... when I am more than willing 24/7."


Possibly to relieve the stress for "himself".

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