Held hostage - at my wit's end

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2011
Held hostage - at my wit's end
Sat, 07-30-2011 - 5:55pm

38 year old married guy here, been married to my wife for about seven years, and we have a toddler.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Mon, 08-01-2011 - 5:39pm

I'm in a similar boat, just wrote 'odd exchange'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sun, 07-31-2011 - 11:56am

Ok, you are at your wit's end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Sun, 07-31-2011 - 10:03am
< "The problem isn't so much with frequency as it is with her attitude about the sex." >
* Understandable.

< "Expects me to flirt with her and be romantic but offers nothing back at all." >
* I see why you would feel this way, but perhaps this is a vicious cycle of you not showing enough affection for her to feel passionate, which once again makes you want to be less affectionate, and so on.

< "I feel held hostage in a passionless marriage. The LL partner always - not just in this particular marriage - holds all the power and leverage.">
* I get feeling trapped, because in your mind you have no control over this situation. But I must warn you about generalizing about who ALWAYS has the power, because there are ALWAYS exceptions.

< "Her ideal frequency is one time a week. I could do every day (if not, more than once a day), but 4-5 times a week would make me feel good." >
* Keep in mind that some would find once a week to be an improvement. I think it would also be helpful if you thought of a solution involving compromise, because for someone who only wants sex once a week, 4-5 times is excessive, and is probably not going to happen. Aim for 2-3 to meet on a common ground.

< "Guess I'm not thin enough for my wife and I need to starve myself and lose 10 more pounds." >
* I'm sorry, I really don't mean to be rude, but please don't be so melodramatic. Your 38 years old for God sakes. Grow up and get over being bitter, because resentment will only get in your way if you really want to work on things with your wife.

< "She doesn't want to go to couples' therapy. She said she's willing to communicate with me in a healthy way so we can get past this." >
* It's unfortunate that she doesn't want to do therapy with you, because honestly, a mediator is probably something you both need to really understand each other.

< "At this point, I feel my options are a physical affair (already had an emotional one), divorce, or suicide. The thought of spending the rest of my life in a passionless relationship seems worse than my immediate death." >
* If you really are so miserable, then form a plan that will get you out of this marriage and on a path towards a woman (or women) who will be a better match for you.
But please, please, PLEASE, stop with the "suicide" and "immediate death" stuff. If you really feel the urge to end it all, get yourself into individual counseling, because there is more going on here then a possible failed marriage.

If you are once again being melodramatic, stop it and focus on putting one step in front of the other to either fix the situation, or to remove yourself from it so that you can be happy again.

And remember that a person who plays the victim is not only viewed as unattractive, but is also a person who refuses to confront the issue head on. It's not just your wife who is unwilling to working things out - you are also shutting down as well, even if it is in a slightly different way as your wife.