Help me understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Help me understand
13
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 8:06am

Hello everybody,

I am a 25 year old HL female and my boyfriend of almost a year is a 40 year old LL. This morning he told me at the end of the day we'll go to a sex store nearby to see if anything can get his L back. This sex store is in his neighborhood and I have never been there before. I have wanted to go with him for awhile to make life in the bedroom more exciting. I'm glad he's finally showing interest in going. He said he would be frustrated too if he were in my shoes. However, I have this gut feeling that it won't solve anything. I always thought sex stores were good for couples who have an active sex life and want to spice it up even more. Am I wrong? I don't remember the last time we had sex. We don't have much of a sex life. I initiate most of the time and get turned down most of the time. When we do have sex it's straightforward and boring. I was feeling very horny yesterday and when my boyfriend texted me while I was at work telling me what time he'd be home, I texted him back letting him know that I wanted to have sex with him that night. I was feeling very confident and hornier than usual. I just knew the sex would be good because I was feeling so frisky. When he came home I didn't pounce on him or anything...we had dinner, watched TV, and then I started to come onto him. We went into the bedroom and tried, but he couldn't get an erection and that was the end of that. This is just an example. He was telling me he doesn't know why he doesn't feel it anymore. I brought up Viagra and told him that's an option and he should never be ashamed of it. He said he doesn't need Viagra. So am I the problem? He says he's attracted to me so I don't think that's the issue. He shows he cares about me in all other ways. It's just that I need to have a vibrant sex life because it makes me feel so good. I am also crazy about my boyfriend! I find him so sexy and attractive, I just want to enjoy him and have fun.

I am having a hard time understanding LL men. I am a young, attractive woman who has clearly showed an interest in improving our sex life and trying new things. My boyfriend is showing an interest now, but that's because last night was a flop. I don't think it bothers him that he is LL or else he would have done something about it sooner. What does it feel like for a LL man? Shouldn't he want to touch, kiss, and make love to his girlfriend often? My former boyfriend had a hard time getting an erection and he didn't hesitate to see his doctor and get Viagra to help our sex life. He was very proactive. The ironic thing is...I didn't want to have a lot of sex with my ex boyfriend because there was an attraction issue. There was chemistry lacking on my part and that is one reason why I broke it off.

I am very attracted to my current boyfriend. It's hard for me to keep my hands and lips off him. He does show affection towards me, but he doesn't throw himself at me...where I throw myself at him. I have gotten better and have controlled myself because I don't always want to come on too strong.

He's in tune to my feelings and needs, which is good. And him suggesting we finally go to that store is a step in the right direction I suppose. I don't know what to do if it doesn't work. He's overweight and smokes...those could be issues. But I would never try to get him to lose weight and quit smoking. I would suggest it, but it's his choice obviously.

Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

 

 

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 9:55am

It sounds to me like he needs to visit his doctor.  There could (and probably is) a medical reason for this.  He's 40, overweight, and a smoker.  The overweight part is probably the biggest problem, and I'm sure the smoking doesn't help.  If he doesn't want Viagra, then he should consider dropping the weight and losing the smokes.  You're right when you say that you can't make him do these things, but if a healthy sex life is important to you then you need to at least ask him to visit his doctor.  If he doesn't want to, then I would move on because things aren't going to get better...unless he and you are OK with an open relationship. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 12:54pm

I'll bring up his weight and smoking today. I don't know how long he's smoked, but I think he's been overweight most of his life. He tells me he used to have a higher sex drive. Him getting older may have something to do with it. I'll ask him about going to a doctor. I only hope he is willing to take all the necessary steps that lead to a healthier and happier sex life. If he doesn't want it then he simply won't do it. I have thought about mentioning an open relationship to see his reaction, but at this point I feel it'll be opening a can of worms. I'll hold off on that for a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 12:03am

First, 40 isn't old!  When a man isn't interested in sex, and/or can't get an erection......there is a problem.  It might be medical, it might be emotional.  He needs to get a good physical, including hormone levels to start with.  My partner is 78 years old, he is somewhat overweight, and smokes.  He has no problem with erections, and wants sex every day, twice a day if I let him.    He says he's attracted to you, but talk is cheap.  He may like or love you for other things, but not be sexually attracted to you.  If there's nothing wrong physically, then either he has emotional problems, or he's just not interested in sex.  Maybe you're just with the wrong man.  Try a man nearer your own age......who will probably be more willing to satisfy you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 7:02am

I know forty isn't old, trust me I know. Unfortunately some people think it is, like my boyfirend. Men my age aren't an option because I am unattracted to men in their twenties. When I was in my teens I would notice men in their twenties, now they are just too young. I always go for older men, it's just my preference. But I have been with men my age and they are more in sync with my sex drive. Oh well, can't have everything. We must pick our battles. He does seem to have a vital interest in fixing the problem and I'm glad for that. We didn't get a chance to go to the toy store last night because something came up, so we'll shoot for tonight. I spoke to him about the smoking and he doesn't think that's the problem. I spoke to him about being overweight and I honestly don't recall what he said. I don't know if he has any emotional problems. When we first met last summer we ended up having sex on our second date. We started off very slow. We would see each other once a week on average for about six months. Almost every time we got together we pretty much had sex. Now we are in a full blown relationship and spending almost every day together for the past couple months. I thought the sex would be more frequent, unfortunately not. I feel pretty certain that he is attracted to me, but I will bring that up to him today and see how he responds.  

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 4:56pm

  How do you know he is LL?    Men can go through periods where thy are not interested in sex even if they were very sexual.  Losing or not getting an erection for most men is devastating.  It can lead to a loss of confidence. 

   It could be physical or a combination of factors.  But if He is truly LL then you will need other coping methods.  People who are LL do not think or feel like those with HL.  It is them.  Perhaps the fact that he is not overtly sexual is  in some way a turn on for you. 

   The expectation that the frequency of sex would increase is not born out in practice.  Usually the frequency drops when living together or seeing each other frequently.  His belief system may also have a influence.   How he sees himself is very indicative of his sexual beliefs.

   No matter how an LL is never going to be HL.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 8:48am

I was thinking yesterday how I never should have posted anything on this board. I think I am overreacting. My expectations are too high. Now I don't think he is really LL. We are going through a dry spell. There are lots of times I am not in the mood myself. I probably shouldn't call myself HL. I think I was getting frustrated with the lack of sex in our relationship and the lack of attempts to make our sex life better. We didn't even go to the store last night. We went out to dinner first and then headed over to the store. While on our way there we had a disagreement in the car and by the time we got to the store neither of us were in the right frame of mind to shop. We passed the store right by and went home. I should have known better because before we even left for dinner I wasn't feeling well and I should have listened to my gut instinct that today was not the day to shop. I didn't even enjoy dinner. We both get tired from work like everyone else, he especially because he works a lot! I also have never gotten an orgasm from him since we met. I'm sure he feels bad about this even though he never talks about it. I honestly don't feel bad about it. I still enjoy sex and it's challenging for me to have an orgasm with a man. I want to experiement and practice and just have fun with him. I feel we are on two completely different wavelengths sometimes. I am probably with the wrong guy...although it's tough to say because sometimes he feels like the right guy. I don't think he really cares about going to the store anyway, he's just doing it for me. I have to have a long talk with him. Something must change soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 10:10am

Before anyone else comments I'll just say that I will no longer be using this board. I think I have problems I have to sort through that in reality have nothing to do with *libidos.* I guess spilling out everything on this board made me realize this. Thanks anyway to those who commented. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 10:12am

I also must add that sometimes when he's sitting on the couch I climb on top of him and strattle him. I start to kiss his neck, his ear, I also nibble on his ear...and he doesn't seem to like any of it. Recently he started to kiss my ear and I must say I didn't enjoy it, haha. I heard a slirping noise in my ear and I didn't like it. We laughed about it and I apologized for all the times I did that. I had no idea how annoying it was. I also think that what the last poster said about me being more attracted to him because he doesn't always want sex is true. The fact that he doesn't ask for it all the time does turn me on. I never quite thought of that. In reality I probably would not like to put up with a HL man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 1:47am

I'd agree he needs to get a check-up.  I think we learn that if we THINK we can't do something, then we won't be able to.  If he's overweight, does he know if he's also diabetic?  I've read that can do a number on a guy's ability.  He's at an age where it's always sounded to me like men are ready to play pretty much any time.  Lots of us go thru dry spells, but this sounds like more than a dry spell.  About you never mentioning he might want to trim down or quit smoking, most people don't like to be TOLD what to do or not to do.  But if he understands your concern is those things are a concern to you because you want him healthy, it wouldn't be so hard to hear.  There was a time when my DH "couldn't", and after that he "couldn't" a number of times.  When I quietly let him know it was no big deal and that he was just worrying about it, the problem disappeared. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 1:50am

I just had a frustrating chuckle posting my last message a minute or two ago.  My post was flagged saying it had triggered the profanity filter.  This is a board called "mismatched l's".  Guess what word I had to CHANGE?  L.  I'm about to give up on iV anymore, they have been trying for so many months to get their new system up and running without all the glitches, more than enough time has passed and it's still not operating correctly.  Been at iV for many years, but I have better things to do with my time than trying to force a simple post to show up. 

 

Pages