He's blaming me for his low libido

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2008
He's blaming me for his low libido
11
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 7:56pm

Hi Im new to this post...I don't know what possessed me to choose this name, I realized it sounds more like a porn site but I can't find the edit button...so lonelyfox it is LOL

I've been having a rough time with my DH for a while now. I'm 39 he's 34, married for 2 years, have one kid and another on the way. When we met sex was great, and very frequent though I did notice he usually only initiated at the same time every night, when all was out of the way. It seemed as if it was last thing on the list a bit but it wasn't that big a deal. The frequency began to change from every other day to every 4 days and we hadn't even been married a year then. I had been used to every other day relationships and I felt it was too sudden too soon in the marriage. We discussed it a bit, I felt rejected a lot by his answers, put me in the role of the beggar as I was trying different ways to spice things up to no avail. The past few months it changed to once a week if that and currently he stopped inititating altogether. The only time we have sex seems to be shortly after a heated argument about it, otherwise, he'd rather watch tv or surf the net. He doesn't even seem to masturbate.

I really doubt he's having any affair, our therapist told me as much. He says it's me. That I bring it up and when I don't he senses that I want it, or he sees it on my face and there's too much riding on it. He says he feels pressure and it makes him not want to. Other times he says I don't initiate enough. Kind of difficult when you know the other person isn't into it. He does say that he is attracted to me and loves me and if he felt differently he would surely tell me.

Well...first, there have been weeks where I didn't mention or hint to it and nothing has happened, those are the times he's been completely content. Secondly, I'm not that good an actress to feign me being disinterested in sex or not feeling hurt when it doesn't happen. I feel like he's always going to find a way to blame me.

I feel deep down this the way he's wired. I've been in enough relationships. There is no reaction when I get out of the bath, when we go to bed naked he never wants to touch, all I get at best is a joke. He doesn't seem to want any intimacy whatsoever, not verbal, affectionate, sexual. I usually can't help making the first move for affection, and communication. When I try to bring these issues up he always gets defensive and I get v. frustrated that my attempts have only served to pull us apart even further.

I feel like a real loser. I never had a big ego but I had so many men come on to me or tell me how beautiful I was before we got married. I can't imagine feeling this hurt and angry for the rest of my life. And all the annoying little habits of his are magnified by this situation. When you have a good sex life you're not as likely to sweat the small stuff in a relationship.

I don't even know how I feel about him anymore. You get caught up in the pursuing and I don't know what's really left in me.

It's very sad for me since I have a one year old child and I don't want to ruin her life. I don't have any idea of what to do. I'm also pregnant to boot which I'm excited about with or without my DH. I feel like sooner or later I have to let go, and part of me doesn't want to leave it to later since it's an awful realization to carry.
Sorry for the scattered and very long post...just had to let it out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2008
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 8:15pm

Feel free to vent. I too was married until a few months ago and decided to leave (after 27 years of marriage) a man who lost his libido (for me anyway). I'm not fat or ugly or anything, so it wasn't that, and things were pretty good in the beginning of the marriage. But the last 10 years or so, his desire for me went down and while he said he enjoyed sex with me, he never pursued it, never even came up and gave me a hug just for no reason, even just because. I finally had to get out. Unlike you, I think some of the problems stemmed from his porno addiction and a desire for kinky sex bringing in third parties (no way for me). I'm 48 years old and trying first to get my life together, and then hopefully find someone to whom making love and intimacy and being close in a relationship are just as important as they are to me. Funny thing, I think STBXH is cruising the dating sites looking for someone else. Doesn't seem to make sense, but am tired of trying to figure it out.

Have spent a lot of time on this site, the only kind I have ever seen on this subject (and others) that addresses the situation, and all the posts on the ML board seem to indicate that LL people can't be changed. So I guess finally giving up was the right thing to do. I hope you are able to work out your problems with your DH as best you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 9:28pm

"It's very sad for me since I have a one year old child and I don't want to ruin her life. I don't have any idea of what to do. I'm also pregnant to boot which I'm excited about with or without my DH. I feel like sooner or later I have to let go, and part of me doesn't want to leave it to later since it's an awful realization to carry."


You're certainly not a loser but those on the HL tend to feel something is wrong with them as why wouldn't their partner want them if they love them.


I think you see what is coming down the road for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2008
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 12:52am

No no, the therapist certainly didn't say I was the only one at fault. He's agreeing with him that by me talking about it too much it puts too much pressure on him and has also told me that I had nothing to do with it, that he has issues he's trying to sort out. I think the therapist is trying to have us feel as if he's relating to both of us. ANyways he's not a sex therapist so maybe we should try going that route.

He has suggested in the past perhaps letting go emotionally just temporarily just so my DH feels more space to act. I hate playing games though and I know once I do that it'll be for good.

Can anyone tell me their experiences with sex therapists?...sounds like they're pointless if you can't change a LL or a HL. At this point in my life, it would take a lot of mental work to learn to feel truly loved without sex. Doesn't sound like much fun.

I have to recognize that I have been on the other side of this (LL)with someone else in the past and it isn't much fun either. I felt like a deadbeat in a society that is bombarded with sex and sexual images and references, I felt pretty inadequate at the time. It's weird, in spite of this experience, it still doesn't relieve the frustration and hurt for me now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 7:54am

"Can anyone tell me their experiences with sex therapists?...sounds like they're pointless if you can't change a LL or a HL. "


My wife tried it but she didn't really work at the suggestions the therapist offered so she quit after a few sessions.

Avatar for xploziv1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-12-2008 - 10:51pm

He's blaming you for his low libido to deflect everything away from him.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 5:48am

Hi LonelyFox,


Thought I would chime in. Your Husband sounds a lot like my wife. She would say the same stupid things to me. That there was too much pressure on her. That I was too demanding. That I should know when she wanted to do it. etc. It' all a bunch of BS. I actually told my wife I would give up sex altogether if she would just initiate some intimate physical contact with me once and awhile. IE a hug, kiss, or just a 5 minute cuddle in bed. Nothing. We could go weeks without her ever touching me. If I didn't kiss, hug or touch her first I would never get touched. She says,"What difference does it make who does what to whom first?" I think it makes a Hell of a lot of difference. But after years of trying I've quit. (see my thread).


We have also been to a therapist. She has been wonderful but she cannot change my wife on her own. My wife can barely even talk about sex. She says things like, "that's what married people do." Our therapist told me it's not me. (Thank God) she said she would be this way with any man.


So I have just thrown in the towel. Not like I am giving up a lot anyway. Our sex life is less than wild. I have to do all the foreplay. There is no oral. She has never given to me ever. She stopped me from doing it to her a few years ago because she thought it was "gross". So, what's to give up? Not much.


I don't know what people like your husband and my wife want? Why did they get married in the first place? Second, why did they act one way prior to marriage and another after? It would have been one thing if she said she hated sex and didn't want any physical contact and I married her anyway. Then I could blame myself.


So, I'm not going to leave. I have three great daughters and I would never be so selfish as to do anything to disrupt their lives. Second, I actually really like my wife. other than the sex and other things I mentioned we get along great. If I didn't have this site to vent on I don't know what I would do? I guess I would just work out more.


That's the good side of no sex. I have never been in such good shape. I'm in as good as shape as when I was an armature cyclist racing in Italy when I was 25. The six pack is back and I've never felt as good as this. Actually my neighbor next door said his wife asked him why he couldn't get in the same shape I'm in especially since I'm 10 years older. He said I need to cut it out that I'm putting too much pressure on the other guys here. He said did I notice one of the other guys started walking to lose weight. I said Yeah I saw him out. I thought maybe his Dr. told him to take off the LB's. No his wife blamed me. Said if a 50 year old can look like me so could he. So now I'm in trouble with the other men.!!!! :)

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 3:30pm

He said I need to cut it out that I'm putting too much pressure on the other guys here. He said did I notice one of the other guys started walking to lose weight. I said Yeah I saw him out. I thought maybe his Dr. told him to take off the LB's. No his wife blamed me. Said if a 50 year old can look like me so could he. So now I'm in trouble with the other men.!!!! :)


LOL, that's great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2008
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 8:33pm

same here...I have the exact problem I was hoping to find some ideas on how to get on the same page, he is the world to me, we dont have kids together and we have broke up for this reason before and of course as you said the smaller issues are magnified!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 10:40pm

"I wish I could figure out what the deal is"


The deal is really quite simple but we have a very hard accepting it due to our needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2007
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 11:29pm

I have the exact problem I was hoping to find some ideas on how to get on the same page, he is the world to me, we dont have kids together and we have broke up for this reason before and of course as you said the smaller issues are magnified! I have surfed articles for low testosterone and suggested he get tested and read about foods that help...but I am out of ideas... I have never been with a man that wasnt ready all the time until now.... I wish I could figure out what the deal is.. I think passion is a very important part of any healthy relationship.. I am worried that the lack of intimacy will ultimately ruin our relationship! reading your message was like reading my own problem...i guess it helps to know that I am not alone.

My God, Girl....you are living my life. Everything you have said is the exact duplicate of what I have said, felt, and wanted.

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