hiln...wife's reaction?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
hiln...wife's reaction?...
8
Wed, 05-27-2009 - 7:10pm
...if you had told your wife that you were planning on leaving to go have sex with another partner in a matter of seconds, what do you think that her reaction would have been?...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 2:01pm

Not sure if this is directed to anyone...


In my case, she would completely come apart emotionally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Fri, 06-05-2009 - 7:59pm

I have read the other thread of yours straight through and I found this one as well.

I am having a hard time understanding your thought process regarding this. You obviously feel this isn’t right, otherwise you would be VERY honest about it with you wife, having it clear and cut. And like some posters said hinting at it doesn’t reveal honesty. You have just stated that in your being honest with her she would become unraveled which you are avoiding to do, because???? Why? Because I suppose you feel bad? You are frustrated with this situation which I understand completely but I feel as though maybe these threats of leaving cause her great pain, to which she doesn’t want to lose you, she will go to great length outside HER comfort level to try to fix things, then she sees that this is NOT ACCEPTABLE to you, which makes her feel inadequate, unwanted and resentful because she is openly trying her BEST to make you happy and no matter how high she jumps, it isn’t quite high enough. I feel for your wife, because I remember with my SO when I tried to fullfil him because he would find his pleasure else where…..he would still hold it over my head that I was not doing enough because he needed MORE. So what I see is you talking about middle ground but not once do I see a compromise from you, she is trying, but your not encouraging her, you are saying “its not enough, I’m STILL wanting to find it else where” so she sees her efforts as USELESS. Maybe there are issues deeper with her, but why not be more sensitive with this? It is obvious she does enjoy sex, which is a great thing but holds herself back. This is something to work on. The whole context of marriage is to stay monogamous. I struggle to swallow this pill that everyone is stating that monogamy shouldn’t be apart of marriage…but I think for BOTH men and women alike there is great security within that idea. I wish it was possible to figure out when it were ok to be selfish and when not but unfortunately it isn’t clear. But what I have envisioned it would be where compromise is being 50/50 not 20/80….what is your ratio in this relationship?

I feel as though you are justifying at every angle possible that she should a) not know about the affair or that she should somehow be able to read your mind and figure it out b.) is responsible for her health by having more sex with you because hey if she had more sex with me then i wouldn't be straying and perhaps giving her something (how ridiculous...sorry that was quite scary to read)

I think as complicated as we want to make this out to be (discussing history etc) plain, pure cut and simple, she wouldn't be ok with it, doesn't matter if 100000000000000 agree with you, you apparently care about what she thinks and she doesn't like it....so there is you answer, disrespect her by having an affair, or respect her by ENDING the marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2009
Sat, 06-06-2009 - 9:27am

"So what I see is you talking about middle ground but not once do I see a compromise from you, she is trying, but your not encouraging her, you are saying “its not enough, I’m STILL wanting to find it else where” so she sees her efforts as USELESS."


It was not my purpose in the other thread to reflect upon the 10+ years of effort (including 5+ years of marriage counseling) I have put in to trying to get the wife just to engage in "discussing"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Sat, 06-06-2009 - 7:30pm
...wow...that was quite a post...a lot of 'reading into' your situation going on...is there any chance that suzie (I think) is your wife?...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 12:16pm
Haha no, no I have dealt with something similar and just wanted to put in a word to how it feels I suppose. I was so frustrated and hurt during that experience I almost packed my bags and left. But once we reached that boiling point I put my big girl panties on and dealt with the situation. Although I did have the LL I did put the effort into it, and now we are both happy so I suppose in respecting the OP’s feeling, if there are no real changes taking place, then an open affair is what may be needed. I just hate the secrecy.
I have no problem with open marriages if every one in the equation is informed and consents to the idea, for my relationship? Personally I don’t feel that I could do that, and I’m sure there are people that support both ideas. Which ever to each their own.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 1:14pm

I think there is a gender bias difference here which is in part based on the predominate legal system.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 2:51pm

Hold, I dont anyone is questioning why he is cheating.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 06-08-2009 - 5:44pm
Of course he is living in denial.

When you see it coming, duck!