His low testosterone, his blame on me
Find a Conversation
|Sun, 05-17-2009 - 2:37am|
Sorry, this is kind of long.
- we're in our early 30s
- been married just a few years
- no kids
Started off having FANTASTIC sex. I used to be in awe of how great we connected.
After marriage, it tapered off. To once every 4 months. And when we did, he finished maybe ONCE a year. I'd say in the entire time we've been married, he's "finished" maybe 10 times. He didn't even think it was a problem. It's frustrating because when it never happens, and then when it does and it's just random um pumping that never ends...you start to wonder what happened to your sex life.
It then became how I'm too loud, how i use my nails, how just my random "ohhh that feels good" is weird because he thinks any talking is weird, how it's better if I have matching panties/bra, how he can't get turned on or finish because when I get home from work I change immediately into comfy clothes (i can stay dressed up on occasion, but I get home hours before him and I'm not going to clean the house or do laundry wearing constricting dress pants!)
Eventually, I had an affair and he found out (not sex, but enough activity). We did counseling, etc, and worked through it.
Then we felt we could have kids, well...then the problem of his lack of desire for sex combined with NEVER finishing became more apparent. And he had every excuse in the book for not wanting sex, everything from eating too much ice cream to the weather being too hot. OH and let me add, he could finish on his own easily enough because I would find the "evidence" when I would do laundry. Add that to my self esteem.
I'm pretty cute, when I'm dolled out I get hit on. I exercise, I'm petite, I try to keep myself looking as good as I can for him because I didn't want to "let myself go" after marriage. I get more compliments from random strangers than I do from him...i've told him about this (I'd rather not hint, he's a GUY...i flat out told him that I'd love it if he gave compliments more), but at best I get told that I'm pretty on occasion. I've had a coworker once tell me that all the guys got together and agreed i was one of the hottest girls at work. I've had guys tell me that I'm incredibly sexy, blah blah. I'm not saying this to toot my own horn, rather I have to tell myself this because my own husband doesn't.
FINALLY I snapped and went berserk one night.
He went to see a doctor.
Turns out he had incredibly low testosterone. He was prescribed testosterone,but then that was taken back because of his sleep apnea (he has gained considerable weight since we got married). And really...he doesn't CARE. It doesn't bother him. Nor did he understand why after years of being rejected and told that the problem was ME (matching bra and panties? Come ON), it was HIM. But he still said it was me, even though other than that ONE night i went berserk, i had never leading up to it been anything other than supportive and acted totally cool.
This combined with other issues that naturally build up, I told him I wanted a divorce. I moved out. Was involved with someone who adores me (known him for a long, long time)...he was so complimentary about my sexiness, my looks, he loved having sex with me, I actually once accused him of mocking me because I couldn't believe someone would feel this way.
4 months later, my husband and i agreed to give it another shot. I'm done with counseling, we did it for years and it didn't help (and it was costing us a fortune, money we don't have)
Well, now its becoming an issue again for me. He's told me its pretty clear that I have an incredibly high sex drive and he doesn't. I've tried to gently tell him how important it is that "we" exercise, and how it'll help the testosterone AND sleep apnea issue.
Now when we try anything, I just get annoyed. I'm passionate, and I really get into it, but I feel like I'm 13 kissing a boy for the first time. It's awkward. It's not fun. And the "finishing" situation is still there (I love sex, but 2 hours of random pumping while I'm in a position I don't find comfortable but I stay in because it feels good for HIM and i'm hoping he'll finish isn't my idea of a good time).
I feel incredibly shallow. But I want a CONNECTION. He doesn't get that not finishing and barely having sex anyway takes away from something that you get when BOTH people get their rocks off. I don't want to be the wife who had an affair, I don't want to be the wife who thinks about the guy who DID love being intimate with her...I'm sick of feeling like I'm married to my gay best friend (with a friendship that's failing).
What do you do when on paper things are good? People were FLOORED when i told them I was getting a divorce, they said how it seemed we were perfect and how they were jealous I had a husband who adored me so much. And I know he loves me. I know he wants to be a better husband.
I'm not 20. I don't want to kid myself into thinking the grass is always greener, I know that at my age the pool of single great guys is smaller, I see my single friends having their own dating issues, I feel like I'm an a-hole because my major problem is SEX when tons of my friends would kill for this kind of marriage.
When do you decide its not enough?
Oh, and he also told me he didn't want me to have a vibrator because it would make him feel bad (I do have one, which i had to secretly get, but now i feel guilty using it)...he told me i should learn to use my hands (um, not the same, at least for me!).
Sorry for ranting.