As a HL, I have ended the relationship
Find a Conversation
|Thu, 12-11-2008 - 10:43am|
(sorry, posted it in the wrong section)
Dear HLs (and LLs too),
I have been in a relationship for almost 11 months (it would be our 11th on Friday). I am a 19-year old Uni student and he's 26. We've had a perfect relationship, but eight months down the road, it went sour as a result of his LL and my inability to tell him. I have read several posts of HHs in the same position and I thought that I have to share my experience. Well anyway, I kept it bottled up for the great part of 3 months. I felt miserable whenever I went to his place or he came to mine because I was alwys rejeected. I'd fantasize all day about being with him, just to be dissappointed and spend another boring evening in front of the TV. I'd cry silently whenever he'd fall asleep after my initiations. There have been countless accounts of how this process goes, and I do not feel like going into it.
So, after three months, I finally managed to tell him my problem last week. We had the 'talk' after watching TV. I became impatient because I knew that it was getting late and so my chances at getting some would decrease. I grew annoyed at the way he lay there,
watching the TV, at what he said... and grew distant. He noticed and asked me about it. My heart pound so fast, but I knew that if I wouldn’t tell him now, I’d perhaps wouldn’t have the chance to do so for a few more weeks. So bam! Straight out it went - ‘Why don't you want Sex with me anymore?’.
He explained that he’s feeling pressured and fed up at work, that he’s physically unfit and that he is always tired. It didn’t quite convince me. I told him that I can have sex when I’m dead tired. I basically told him how I felt, that the lack of physicality really hurt me because for me, it's the ultimate way of expressing love. we had the conversation but then went to sleep. Without anything happening of course.
Next day, I thought that maybe after explaining him my state of feelings, he'd do a move to try to make me happy. We were hungry so we went out to get sth. Then he sees an shopwindow of ‘…for Dummies’ books and goes “oh, those are the perfect books for you.” (remember, I'm at Uni in a country where it's still somewhat of an elitist thing) I pretended not to notice, but a minute later I couldn’t take it anymore: the fact that I led us in the wrong direction for the shop(actually more likely the fact that he won) and his comment as well as the general unhappy situation we’re in. So I burst out: “Do you always have to put me down like this??“ He was completely perplex, but I was furious (and tired, and teary, and very, very upset). Kept walking, lost all my appetite and kept thinking about dumping him. In front of the shop, I suddenly burst out in tears. He hugged me - ‘sorry,I'm just SO unhappy at the moment’. He shed some tears too, cos he wiped his eyes. We then went home and I bought a disgusting frappe at McDonalds. We walked home in silence and I complentated just throwing him out and throwing a fit in general, but first of all we adjourned to the smoker’s room and had a fag, also in silence. Upstairs, we got into a tickle fight and everything was fine again (physicality = oh, he might be interested! Stupid me). Somehow it happened that we went outside again, I don’t remember if we were completely ok. Watched South Park, ate and drank tea and I thought we’d overcome the issue. But then we went to bed, keeping the lights on, and he touched me on my bum. He touched my back, stroking me, my bum, my legs occasionally, and I was full of adrenaline and endorphins. It felt so good, and inside my mind I was screaming ‘TOUCH ME!’… but no. When I touched HIM down there, nothing. I stroked him, but he just lay there like nothing happened, just as if a pestering mosquito hummed around his head or something. I am not a mosquito, I’m your girlfriend whos 19 and in the prime of her life who wants a bit of a connection with you, dumbass! I knew I wasn’t getting anywhere, so I pulled my hand out and left the bed in favour of studying although needless to say I coulnd't concentrate. I did it to show him my annoyance, but he just stared at the ceiling for half a minute, then turned around and fell asleep. I couldn’t concentrate and I beat myself up over the amount of time I wasted over him already, just in the hope of finally having sex again and feeling like a woman. I was (and am) so miserable that I started crying.
Went back to bed after having semi recovered (and realized that it’s 2:30 am). Lay there, him sleeping, and I suddenly felt that it’s really unfair for me to be so miserable and him sleeping. Why am I always the one that has to suffer? So I started crying again, sort of on purpose that he’d wake up.
‘Are you crying?’ –‘yes…’ he touched my arm and stroked my face, and I burst out, "Is there really a point of us still being together?"
- "not if you are crying about this." After that, he just lay there, then, a whisper: "I will miss you."
And the next morning, he went.
I initiated the conversation too late. Two weeks without intimacy is my breaking point because I am no longer able to contain my feelings. Ich bin derart verstört dass ich einfach nur noch den Rambo-Weg sehe. But he himself didn’t talk about it! I think we could have saved something had we TALKED, but now the wounds are too deep, and having sex with him ever again would feel weird.
So far so good, but then, on Wednesday, I started having doubts and thought of a few things to say to make it seem like it was a misunderstanding. I was missing him at that point and was sure I could fix things, but he made it clear that he didn't want to anymore, that I'd changed everything. I know i had because hardly 24 hrs had passed from the time he found out about the issue and me dumping him. So please, dear readers, don't rush it!!
So anyway, I went to his house again and we cuddled one last time, but I couldn't sleep because I couldn't believe this whole thing had ended. He was such a wortwhile guy, and I couldn't help but feel like I threw the baby out with the bathwater.
Now, though, after some sleep, I believe that what I have dont is right. I know that he will not change, and he said yesterday that now that he doesn't have me, he will probably stop having sex altogether for a long time. You know, I cried a lot this morning, but now I am free to roam about and meet old friends, find a more compatible partner and concentrate on uni. I just wanted to let you guys know that it can be done, and I will update this every fortnight so you'll get to know the stages a HL goes through after something like this and that it's better to break it off. Also, I think I'm expecting some encouragement to ensure that I'm doing the right thing. ^^
Questions: is it better for us to stay friends? Because right now I'm pretty hurt and can't imagine friendship with him because I don't see the point yet. But I guess time is the cure, right?!
I hope I could bring some encouragement to all of you,