HL's and their love of numbers ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
HL's and their love of numbers ;)
34
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 10:20am

I'm guessing that

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 1:34pm

I guess I'll go first. I believe my wife would willing accept 4-5 advances per week without conflict. If I leave her alone, I wait

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 4:46pm

Interesting formula. For me, I can make this really easy. As opposed to others, I find it less satisfying when my LL wife initiates sex for a lot of reasons I don't necessarily need to go into. In fact, it's about 1/2 to 2/3 as satisfying. So, if left alone,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 9:41am
I think initiating or not initiating sex causes more problems in a ML situation than most anything else. I know for me, I typically wait for my wife to initiate with me because the pain and aggravation of rejection just make me not want to even try. But, my wife has told me a number of times, don't stop trying. The problem comes in that I have been with my wife for nearly 20 years and so I can read her pretty well. I find myself looking for possible signs when I get home from work. I will often hear the word tired and that translates into don't even think about to me, or I might hear I have had a headache all day or I have some work I need to do when the kids are in bed. It is really a calculated risk for me to initiate sex with her when she has said any of those things. Also, our bedroom is directly across the hall from our children-our next house this will NOT be the case I can assure you. Well, she likes to sleep with the door slightly open so that she can hear them if they call for her and also if the door is shut, our room tends to get too hot or cold due to closing off the circulation in the house. So, if she initiates she shuts the door, takes her clothes off and jumps into bed. She knows if she does this, I am not going to say, no, not tonight honey. Now, if I come into the room take my clothes off and shut/lock the door,
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 11:12am

That sounds very much like my situation a year ago. The only difference was that my wife rarely refused me but would not initiate to save her life. When she refuses me now, I simply state, 'that was my turn,' and move on with life. Since she is still resistant to initiating sex but enjoys sex (figure that one LOL), it tends to make her rethink the next rejection.


It's been my wife's turn since last Friday night, when I initiated last. I'm waiting longer than usual but it's only because I initiated twice in a row. When will I learn? This morning, she made mention that we should have sex tonight since I will be sleeping away for the following two nights. I replied, 'I'll be here.' She retorted, 'I know.'


Still, there's about a 20%

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 11:26am

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Sorry I keep harping on this, Glenn, but the ML "solution" (tit-for-tat initiation) you've implemented really bugs me. I know you're flexible enough to initiate twice or three times in a row on occasion, but you still have the basic agreement in place. It's hard to put my finger on exactly why, but it seems deeply coercive to me. And surely you realize that you can't orchestrate your wife's desire by parachuting a formula into your sexual relationship. Even if she follows the formula by initiating half the time, you can never be sure she's motivated by genuine desire.

For you and other HLs with partners who don't often refuse their advances, my question is: Isn't it the responsibility of the partner who wants more X (X being anything, not necessarily sex) to bring more X into the relationship? I know, I know, you want to be wanted, but nothing is perfect in adult relationships, and surely a partner who responds to your advances counts for something.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 11:34am

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How is her disposition and attitude when she does?


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Do you say this every time you climb in bed naked?


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I can't tell you what a struggle I went through attempting to define 'initiation' with my wife. My final conversation when she tried to bait me was, 'Define

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 11:54am

Sorry to bug ya FLM. It is not my intent.


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Actually I am sure. She has no sexual desire when she initiates and has told me as much. This is fine with me. I have given her complete permission to initiate based on whatever motivates her to (or not to).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 12:19pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 12:28pm

<>


Now I'm curios as to why you would rather initiate than her but only if you want to share the reason.


<<... seems to have

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 12:43pm

So freelance, you seem to basically be saying, if you want more, ask for more-is that how I read your response. To my situation specifically, I tend to wait until my wife initiates with me because I hate being rejected. Now, whether or not she "wants" me badly, is hot for me when she initiates, I take her initiation as exactly that, she wants me. I don't question it one bit, to me that is her way of showing she wants me. It could just be her way of pacifying me, sure, but to me I view it the way I want to view it. Thus, when I initiate and she says not tonight, I take it personally even though she doesn't mean to say I don't find you attractive, you are smelly, you are a lousy lover. She simply is saying she is not in the mood-I am the one that then adds the extra bit of negative to the situation. This is something I strive to work on but this is something I think the typical higher libido person battles with-she is saying no because of me, instead of saying she is saying because of her.


Obviously though, if you want more sex, you need to try for it more because it increases your odds and my wife is one that once she lets her guard down and says yes, typically really enjoys sex. But, because of the feeling of the rejection, because I try to pick when I might have better odds judging on her actions, I find myself rarely initiating with her. I think I need to continue to try growing a thicker skin and just go for it. If she says no, just say ok and be done with it.


Ok, so another concern I have is oral sex. I don't expect it often, nor do I EVER ask for it. Oral sex is something I see as a true gift, a selfless act from one person to another. I enjoy and want to give oral to my wife more than she wants me to give to her. But, she has learned not to always say no when I try to give her oral because she enjoys it first of all and because she knows I want to do it. Granted, I know she doesn't enjoy giving oral to me and she claims it hurts her jaw to give oral to me-and no I am not a huge guy, just average. But knowing how much I love to receive oral, I am often times left to wonder, why is it that I never get oral. I mean maybe 1x last year although I might be confusing that one time in '08 with a time in late '07. Point being, when we were dating, she gave me oral probably once a month as we were not having intercourse and only saw each other on weekends. Early in the marriage, oral maybe 1x every month or two, and as the years have progressed, less and less and less. On the other hand, she would usually only let me give her oral 1x a month when dating and early in marriage-sometimes 1x every 2-3 months. Within the last 2-3 years, she has started allowing me to give oral maybe every two or three times we have intercourse. In other words, it appears she has lost some of her inhibitions about allowing me between her thighs but when it comes to giving to me, she has dropped way off. To freelance or any other woman that might read this, if you suggest trying for more sex if you want more sex, how do you try for more oral sex without it coming across as selfish?? Of course you might say, refuse giving to her but honestly, she would probably be ok with me not giving to her. She NEVER asks me to go down on her, ever. Instead, I do it because I know she enjoys it-believe me, I can tell by how she reacts when I do it, she enjoys it. And, I do it because I LOVE to do it. It turns me on big time. I guess that kind of answers my question-maybe it is just the fact she hates giving so much, she just can't bring herself to do it. I keep myself clean, so not like I am smelly/dirty down there. I just don't know.


Sorry that was so long. In the grand scheme of thing, lack or oral is not something to complain about in the big picture. Just that I do enjoy receiving as well as giving and to me, that extra little spice in your lovemaking routine can really make your average sexual encounter turn into a spectacular encounter.

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