?? for HLs - Are You Capable of Love?
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|Sat, 06-14-2008 - 11:20am|
I wonder....how many of you HLs have ever questioned whether you were capable of love? I'm not saying after the bitterness set in about the ML and poisoned what you felt. I'm saying during the first phases of the incompatibility, when it first began to rear its ugly head and you were trying to get your spouse to respond. I'm not asking did you question if THEY loved YOU. I'm not asking, did you ever question your ability to love your spouse during difficult times or when it seemed like their unwillingness to have sex was a hint that you were unloveable. I'm asking, in general, did you ever question your own ability to love?
I suspect that this might be an issue that many LLs have to deal with that most HLs do not. HLs have to wonder whether they are UNLOVEABLE. I don't think HLs question their actual ABILITY to love.
HLs are capable of having those consistent feelings of sexual desire for their loved one, which "proves" to them that they can love. They are secure in knowing that whatever the other problems are, it's got little to do with the fact that they themselves are capable of love; if they left their spouse and found another, they could love deeply and feel consistent, long-term sexual desire for their next partner. I sincerely believe that many HLs subconsciously believe that much responsibility for the issue of ML is absolved within their hearts because they believe that whatever they did or didn't do, it was never a question of an inherent lack in their own nature; their capability to love.
For LLs, this question lingers as the root of many of their outward bursts of anger and resentment and coldness and bitterness. We DO question our ability to love because we CAN'T feel that consistent sexual longing. It is very hard to go through your daily life looking in the face of the person that is the representation of all that you lack and something you can never be. The person that has the high ground and makes you feel off balance and inadequate and the person whose needs consistently remind you that you lack those same needs. You know it's not fair to think of them that way but you can't help it, you feel like they're judging you for your lack even if they never say it out loud. What's worse, you want to change it but you can't. You simply DON'T feel the sexual desire that they do and you're angry and ashamed at yourself for that. So you let it simmer under the surface and slowly but surely you grow angry, just like anyone does when they feel they're being unfairly measured.
Edited 6/14/2008 11:24 am ET by locogirlp
Edited 6/14/2008 11:28 am ET by locogirlp