How can I give my dh what he needs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
How can I give my dh what he needs?
7
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 2:26pm

I'm the mother of a three month old and a two-year old. I'm totally exhausted because my baby is awake two times per night and my daughter is awake all day. I am getting no sleep and just feel like a zombie.

My husband is upset that I have no desire for sex. I was concerned about him being so lonely, so I decided to step it up and bought a book that has different surprise sex adventures to perform (101 great nights of sex by Laura Corn). The problem is that I just have no interest in doing any of the cards. When I finally get a moment to myself away from the kids, I just don't want anyone touching me.

Seth understands, but doesn't like it. I want to make him happy, I really do, but I'm just so tired. What can I do???

My sister said just to suck it up and sleep with him at least twice a week, but preferably three. She said that it is something that he really needs, and he does so much for me, I just have to find a way to do it. I do enjoy sex a lot, it is just getting into it that I have a hard time with. I asked him what would be "enough" for him and he said he would love three times per week...

Any suggestions on how to increase my libido after my second child, or how to get more interested in sex?

Also, last night he asked me "what gets you really hot"? I told him, to be honest, there is nothing. That's true too. I find my husband very sexy and gorgeous and love his body, and he pleases me every time, but I just have no desire. Is there something physically wrong with me that I need medical help for?

I know he would never cheat on me or leave me over this, he is very committed, but I just love him so much, I want to make him happy.

Please help!
Sorry for the long post.
Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 3:18pm

Amanda,

I came here for the same reason as you. After reading about how it emotionally hurts HLs to go without sex and not just a physical thing, I decided to get help. My GYN said in her opinion, LL is all in the person's head. I went back to her and told her that I wanted some physical tests done before I paid someone to poke around in my head. Well, I'm going back tomorrow for more tests because my initial thyroid test came back abnormal. I did some research and one of the symptoms of hypothyroidism is lack of sexual desire. I also have multiple other symptoms (dry skin, cold extremeties, mood swings, leg cramps to name a few). It may be nothing, but it is so worth the time to find out. I love my husband too and always thought he was upset because he wasn't having sex. It's much deeper than that. When I finally sat back and saw the extreme pain in his eyes I knew I had to do something.

Good Luck!
BC

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 8:15pm
LL is all in a person's head? I'd be finding a new doctor! It most certainly is not like that. I've heard about thyroid problems causing low libido before. Another common culprit is hormonal birth control, and that's something I've definitely noticed happening to me before.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 8:20pm

If the problem is stress and exhaustion, then it sounds like you need to work on that obstacle. Would your finances allow using a daycare every now and then so you could get a break? Or maybe a local church might have a mother's day out, or is there a relative who could watch the kids sometimes?

If you did have some time, are there things you could do that would help you be more in the mood? I could imagine if you could have a whole day to yourself, maybe taking the time to really pamper yourself and then go have a date night with your husband might be nice. You should try to make your husband happy, but you need to be happy too, and forcing yourself to have sex if you're not in the mood could get you feeling resentment. A better solution is to try to schedule some down time for yourself so maybe you'll tend to get more in the mood.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:03pm

Along with the suggestions the last poster made regarding helping with the exhaustion (hey, a vacation away from the kids where you can sleep and relax can't hurt!!!), can I ask if you are breastfeeding? The "breastfeeding hormone" Prolactin supresses sex drive, and there's pretty much nothing you can do about it. It's very normal, and nature intends it that way---it's nature's attempt to ensure you don't get pregnant again while your child is reliant on your milk for primary nutrition. Someday, our bodies will catch up with the invention of formula, but until then it's something most mothers deal with. After pregnancy, it can take many months for drive to return even if you're not breastfeeding. Again, your hormones are way out of whack, and need time to return to normal.

I am certainly not saying don't have relations with your husband; but, perhaps explaining the medical portion of it to him will help him understand this is a short-term problem that most people experience. It's part of having children for many couples, and it does pass (usually 2-6 months after a woman stops breastfeeding). Many, many mothers have expressed (both to me personally and on other boards I visit) the exhaustion that comes with having young children, as well as their desire to just have their body parts left alone for five minutes. Mothers often spend so much of their day looking after the needs of others that sex seems like one more demand they must attend to. It's not that they don't love their husband, it's simply that they have no time to, as I call it, "refill the well" of their own needs. You're not alone in this at all, and there's nothing medically wrong with you. Sleep deprevations is a HUGE libido killer, and when you put it on top of recent childbirth it's not alll odd or surprising you don't desire sex often.

I have no clue how your finances are, but perhaps your husband could hire a part-time sitter a few times a week to just take off some of the burden and let you get some rest during the day. Does your husband help with the baby at night?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 12:08am

I couldn't agree with Falconburgundy more! Something that sparks my libido is to be away from my husband for a little while. I get to thinking about how sweet he is and how lucky I am to have him, and then BAM I want him. Once your hormones return to normal, get some time away from people wanting your total attention and be SELFISH!!! Personally it is pedicures that do it for me. You restore your sense of self and I believe you will start to see your husband as a playmate again.

Robin

PS: Children are a temporary prison, it does get better. Said from the woman who now has a 22 year old. YEA!!!!!! But I can remember the days when one couldn't tell where I ended and she began and I wanted it that way. Take care of you and you will be a better mother and wife ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 10:24am

Thanks everyone for your responses and suggestions. I do have family that could help take the kids once in a while, and my husband does help out a lot to let me get out of the house when I need to. He doesn't get up at night with the baby, but he does help in the evenings.

I've taken your advice and booked a Saturday just for me. I've having my hair done at the salon and then I'm having all my girlfriends over for a wine and cheese potluck, and daddy is taking the kids away for the evening. That should give me a nice change and a nice break.

I'll keep you posted on progress.

Thanks a lot.
Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 1:02pm

I hope you really enjoy the day. You deserve it!

Robin