How do you stop thinking about it ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
How do you stop thinking about it ?
45
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 4:03pm

Hi all !

I am so thrilled to have found this board, and so many others going thru this ! I am 30, married 10 years, together 15.....so half my life ! We have 3 young kids (5, 5, 8) I am HL and my DH is increasingly LL, much to my despair. It hasn't always been this way though, and just gets a little worse each year. It's so hard not to second guess yourself and wonder "what's wrong with me" ?

That's why I ask.....how do you stop thinking about sex ? It's on my mind daily, and always has been. The thoughts are just there, and seem normal to me. When we were teenagers, it was on his mind just as much, and we had sex almost daily. My DH thinks it's just me, and that I don't live life in his shoes, so to speak. He says it's normal aging ? He works alot of hours, but to me it's his doing. So many male friends we have told me they would make time for it if their wives were willing. Right now, I have to do most of the initiating, which ends up with me being shot down 60% of the time. (and that REALLY messes with your self esteem) We will have sex once every 10-14 days, on a good streak. Occasionally an extra time will get thrown in there if he somehow gets turned on ! He is just 31, but seems to act so much older when it comes to sex. Even with the kids (except when they were infants) I was always willing. (and I realize this isn't the usual "wife stereotype" which bugs me even more ! I know other men would appreciate me for a wife, so why can't he !?) I have downright told him there is NOTHING I wouldn't be willing to try with him sexually. His response is that he simply has no fantasies. Is this normal ?? He's had more than one physical, but I wasn't there so I don't know if he went into sex, but I doubt it. He did start taking an anti-anxiety medicine in the last couple of years for his horrid temper, after I about left him. He sees a therapist occasionally, and we have went to one together, but I was always made to feel like I was asking to much of him and not appreciating his hard work. I constantly praise him, rarley criticize, and thank him when it's deserved. I'm not very overweight, and he says he's attracted to me, he just doesn't need the sex to prove it.

I've tried to get him to read books with me, watch movies, whatever it will take. He's not interested. It turns into a fight, and I end up hurt emotionally. I don't feel like life should be this way. No one else sees it though. He takes care of us financially and works very hard to do so. I'm sure this plays into it, but I don't know how to fix it.

In the meantime, my vibrator keeps me company. Which he absolutely HATES ! But what can I do ?! If he hates it so much, why not please me himself ? Or allow me to please him ? I'm more than willing, and he knows it turns me on to give or recieve.

Sorry to vent, but this is the first chance I've really had to discuss this !

Thanks !

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 5:43pm

I totally understand. My husband was exactly the same way even to the part where he complained that I didn't appreciate him enough although I praised him all the time. That is there self-esteem issue whereas ours is trying to maintain a sense of attractiveness while being sexually rejected by our husbands. Your husband's antidepressants might be complicating this issue. Unfortunately the only thing that would drive thoughts of sex out of my mind were to emotionally detach from my husband. Unfortunately that would cause him to feel less sexual and years would go by before we had sex again. It the best solution is for him to work with you in resolving the problem and that is where I think you should focus.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 10:10am

Hey girl, I know where you are coming from! My boyf is very jealous of my vibrators, but yet won't do a thing about it! I don't know what types of suggestions to give you or anything, because if I had any good ones, I wouldn't need to be on this board, but I just want you to know there are others out there, because I know that has made a huge difference in my outlook on this.

BK

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 1:02pm

Thanks BK ! It does make a difference, in how you perceive yourself, knowing you aren't the only one living this life. He always tries to tell me that the vibrators fulfill my need, so why should I need him. Or he will say that the vibrator just makes me think about sex even more, when he's trying to focus on working and making a living. How that is rational, I do not know !! I tell you what though........he'd have to tear if from my cold dead hands !! LoL

Ladysunlight

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 1:08pm

Thanks BK ! It does make a difference, in how you perceive yourself, knowing you aren't the only one living this life. He always tries to tell me that the vibrators fulfill my need, so why should I need him. Or he will say that the vibrator just makes me think about sex even more, when he's trying to focus on working and making a living. How that is rational, I do not know !! I tell you what though........he'd have to tear if from my cold dead hands !! LoL


Ladysunlight


Ladysunlight,


I have heard the same things from my husband about some of the things I do.

CL-RSRosey

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 12:21am

>> He always tries to tell me that the vibrators
>> fulfill my need, so why should I need him.

Listen to what he is trying to tell you. He fears he cannot satisfy you. He fears that if push comes to shove, you would prefer your vibrator to him. He fears that if he gives it his all and provides as much sex as he is capable of, it won't be enough for you. He would rather ignore the issue, focus on work, and tell himself you are over-sexed. Then try and fail to please you.

Remember, high libido women are often very frightening to men. An insecure man is thinking: "They last longer than we do. They can do it over and over again. They compare us to vibrators that buzz at 6000 rpm and never go soft. No man can compete with that." And there is no sex toy for men that is (a) nearly as satisfying as being with a woman, or (b) is nearly as satisfying for a man as being with a vibrator is for a woman.

Just because many (most?) guys are too busy being jerks or selfish or ignorant or lazy to realize the implications of string female sexuality, do not discount how intimidating an actual HL woman is to a large number of men. The more you belittle his sexuality, the less chance he will be willing to get into a competition with your vibrator. Especially since you have pretty much guaranteed him that he will lose.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 8:34am
Yes, women can easily survive alone much easier than a man because there is nothing that can compare to a vagina-and yes, vibes or dildos can replace the penis-maybe a different feeling and no actual body there but can better simulate intercourse than anything a man has available. I agree with you as well-an insecure man-which many are-myself included when it comes to sexual ability, a HL woman can/could be VERY intimidating. Sure it is great that she wants to have sex all the time but are you good enough for her?? Most guys have been with a LL woman at least at some point and time and so when you meet up with a HL woman, it is hard to shift gears. I know after spending all these years with an LL wife, it would be exciting but very intimating to be with a HL woman because I am just not used to it at all and would wonder if I could keep up and measure up so to speak.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 2:58pm

Men crack me up. A vibrator isn't as satisfying as a man. There is absolutely NO similarity between a vibrator and a penis other than some vibrators are penis shaped. The two best selling vibrators aren't even penis shaped. Masturbation leads to orgasm and sex leads to orgasm but masturbation isn't therefore sex. Thinking that a vibrator and a penis both lead to orgasm therefore masturbation with a vibrator is the same as sex with a man is LUDICROUS. Women who prefer vibrators over men are no different than men who prefer their own hand over a woman. It happens but it isn't the norm. A man masturbates using his own hand and a woman masturbates with her vibrator, but no matter what is used it is still nothing more than masturbation.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 4:17pm
I have to agree with Robin. There's no way I would choose a vibrator over a man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 6:58am

To me, sex is more than just about the orgasm, and that's why I'd never reject my man for a vibrator. I never understand why some men would choose their hand over a ready and willing woman (like my man likes to do sometimes), but I guess that's why I'm here. I think it has something to do with the "pressure" of performing with a HL woman. I think they are somewhat intimidated by HL women because they haven't encountered that many in their lives, but who knows...

BK

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 7:31am

I agree with you-ANY man that would turn down his partner for his hand has issues if you ask me. I would never do it because masturbation is just a release-nothing like sex with DW. I agree with Robin-some men are crazy/insecure when it comes to vibes and dildos and HL women. Chances are, in our past, we have been with a typical LL woman and it takes getting used to for sure with a HL woman. Because in our mind we are used to a woman turning us down for sex, when a woman starts demanding sex or even just asking for it, a man used to the LL woman will wonder-am I just good in bed or do I leave her not satisfied and thus she wants more. Always doubts in our mind about our performance. That is why it is important for women to build our confidence up-I know it might sound tacky to some women but most men need that positive reinforcement even if we have confidence in ourselves sexually. I think both men and women need to be more praising of their partners performance personally.

My original point was, a vibe or dildo might not compare to a penis but it is MUCH more comparable than ANYTHING a guy has to a vagina.

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