Husband NOT interested in sex. At all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
Husband NOT interested in sex. At all.
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 5:41pm

Hi everyone

I'm new to this discussion, but now new to the problem... I'm sure that a lot of people here will understand how i feel, and I'm hoping maybe someone can give me some advice...

I'm 24, and it's been almost two years that I've been married to a man I love, he's 36. We have a wonderful, loving, caring relationship together. Every day I'm saying to myself just how happy I am to be married to this man. But every time I think, "except for this one thing".

"This one thing" is our sex life. By my own standards, it's almost non-existent, by his - it's

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 6:31pm

"Anyone, PLEASE, help me, what should we do?"

Sorry there is no help for anyone so severely mismatched.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2008
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 7:47pm

I am anxious to hear the answers you get to this question. I am engaged to a man that is loving and attentive when it comes to hugs and kisses. But, he seems to have very little interest in sex with me. He comes up with many excuses to avoid it. My situation is different though, because my man enjoys masturbating quite frequently, so I know he has some desire for sex, right?

Good luck in your search for an answer, and maybe the advice you receive will help me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 8:36pm

I have the same situation here actually!

My husband admitted to actually masturbating on his own quite frequently (well... relatively frequently, I quess - 3 times a week or so), but his desire to actually HAVE SEX WITH ME is... well, low. He says that masturbation is "easy": it doesn't require any physical effort on his side, he knows exactly what to do to please himself, it doesn't involve any physical exercise unlike sex, so pretty muuch it's an easy sexual relief.

I also know that he watches porn on a regular basis - which I don't really mind, and frankly I also do it from time to time.

So all in all I am hoping that he is not a "lost case" with no libido whatsoever, but for some reason he isn't sexually active when it comes to him and me together.

I used to think that something's wrong with me - like maybe he thinks

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2007
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 8:40pm

<<<...because my man enjoys masturbating quite frequently, so I know he has some desire for sex, right?>>>

In a word? No.

I'm an LL, and I masturbate, but have little to no desire for partnered sex and very little libido.

Masturbation and partnered sex are two different animals. Partnered sex comes fraught with performance issues and making sure someone ELSE is satisfied. Partnered sex means you end up distracted easily and if your sex drive is low, you absolutely must have very little interfering with your concentration in order to tap into it. Partnered sex means trying to live up to expectations, and perhaps most difficult of all, partnered sex means you have to consider what sex means to the other person and how your interactions will affect your partner's self image. If you care about that person you don't want to expose them to anything that may wound them, and not being able to give them as satisfying an experience as you think they would want is too risky. You can't just stop if you don't feel it happening for'd end up hurting someone's feelings badly.

Masturbation is simple, succinct, and goal-oriented. You don't have to worry about hurting someone's feelings, or how you're doing as a lover. You don't have to worry about not feeling it....if you don't, you just stop. No conversations to hold with yourself about how badly you did. No pressure, no obligations.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2008
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 12:24am

tryinghard 55 and locogirlp are both right. And loneleigh08, I'm afraid locogirlp is right--masturbation is not indicative of a LL person's desire for sex. I was married to a man who about 10 years ago (17 years into our marriage) became LL but was masturbating and watching porn regularly, and when the internet kicked up he started looking at swinging sites, porno clips and web cams. He didn't want to have that kind of a relationship with me anymore because apparently it was too much work and as I understand it, a lot of pressure to perform or pretend to be someone he was not. There is a difference between sexual self gratification and intimacy with a partner, and LL people don't seem to need much of the latter. I think they express their love in other, nonsexual ways.

If there's no children, I would suggest getting out now. Ask yourself if you want this for the rest of your life; you're only 24 years old.