I don't understand my DH

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2008
I don't understand my DH
8
Sat, 12-13-2008 - 11:42pm

I apologize in advance if this is long and rambling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 2:09am

<< I also came to find out that he had once been into looking at porn online...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 9:59am

Hi there,

<>

That's an classic ML scenario, reported hundreds of times on this board. Trust me, your DH hasn't "forgotten" your request for sex when he behaves that way. I suspect that the weight of your expectations (justified though they may be) has started to make sex seem like a chore to him. And you know how good humans are at creatively avoiding chores.

Overall, it sounds like your DH is sexually repressed and has trouble letting go with a real person. That said, explanations are not solutions. LL is just as real whether it stems from abuse, repression, hormonal problems, a random stimulus that inserted itself into someone's sexual wiring, or no reason at all. As OpGuy said, your DH may or may not be able to reprogram himself to relax and get into sex. Unless he's highly motivated, I'd say the odds are against it. Then you're left to figure out how far you can compromise.

In any event, you need to communicate your feelings in crystal-clear terms. I don't know how you've been discussing the issue in the past, but I strongly advocate directness and a "me-centered" approach when discussing an issue as important as sexual incompatibility. As a LL female, I can tell you that I would HATE to be on the receiving end of a talk about how "sex is important to marriage" or "it's not the sex, it's the connection that's important." Such beat-around-the-bush, overly general statements tend to irritate and go around in circles. Far more effective, IMO, is to RESPECTFULLY ACKNOWLEDGE HIS REALITY while clearly stating your own. For instance: "I realize that sex may not have the same meaning for you as it does for me. If you're happy and content with the way thing are now, that's great. But I can't say I am. For me, feeling desired is extremely important. I don't feel I'm getting that in our marriage right now and it's making me deeply unhappy. I wouldn't presume to try to change you, but I have to ask: might you be interested in working together to see if we can find a comfortable and mutually rewarding middle ground?"

HTH Freelance

p.s. I just reread your post and noted that your DH (if I understand correctly) spent the first 38 years of his life without having sex. That in itself suggests LL to me, irrespective of religious convictions. I believe that a religious person with a HL would go to great lengths to get married earlier in order to express his sexuality.




Edited 12/14/2008 10:20 am ET by freelancemomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 10:33am

<< p.s. I just reread your post and noted that your DH (if I understand correctly) spent the first 38 years of his life without having sex. That in itself suggests LL to me, irrespective of religious convictions. I believe that a religious person with a HL would go to great lengths to get married earlier in order to express his sexuality. >>


Definitely a viewpoint worth considering!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2008
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 10:52am
Freelance- thank you so much for your advice on how to talk to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 12:06pm

<>

There's some great advice here as to be expected but this stood to me the most about your post. It comes down to this: you and him speak different love languages. You said you have tried to speak his but you will never be as fluent in his love language and he will never be fluent in yours. It will always require effort and "translation" on both your parts. To ever be happy, you will have to change your expectations about what you can get from him.

Not to say, he is off the hook and shouldn't make an effort to accommodate you but just consider that he will NEVER be the person you expect him to be right now. He feels like he can never be enough for you or being what you want is denying who he is, just as you've stated feeling.

Sadly, there might just be too large a mismatch here to bridge. I'm one of the least likely to say that on this board but your situation looks particularly difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 3:16am

p.s. I just reread your post and noted that your DH (if I understand correctly) spent the first 38 years of his life without having sex. That in itself suggests LL to me, irrespective of religious convictions. I believe that a religious person with a HL would go to great lengths to get married earlier in order to express his sexuality.


I spent the first 24 years of my life without having sex and I am HL. The great length I went to to get married before I got any older was to marry hastily and without enough information. As a result, I'm in an ML marriage. These are the breaks for HL's living the chaste life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 11:59am

<>

24, not 38. Big difference. I agree with you about the lack of information, though. Our society is doing a great disservice to couples by keeping this information under wraps.

F.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2006
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 1:54am
My SO was 27 before he lost his virginity. He is also HL. In his case though, the lack of sex wasn't out of choice, as in the case of the OP's DH. He made a choice to stand by his moral convictions. My SO was just lacking in a woman that would make herself available LOL.