I ended the relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
I ended the relationship
32
Tue, 09-15-2009 - 11:37pm

I finally ended the relationship after months of self doubt.

He is appalled that I would 'throw everything away because of the sex thing'. He also is upset as he has tried to compromise- like tonight, where he was clearly (by action) uninterested in my initiation but went along with it (ie laying there yawning). But he still would have sex, so I should be satisfied with that compromise.

I explained wanting an enthusiastic partner. He does not see it. I explained my feelings of closeness and bonding that result from sex. He said he feels 'nothing' emotionally from sex.

I know I am doing the right thing, but I would still appreciate some words of encouragement. Also he is hinting that my needs being met are not possible, when I don't think it is unrealistic that I can find a partner that enjoys and wants to have sex with me?

Thanks. And thank you all for your advice over these past months. If only I had taken it!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 12:17am

Good for you! About 2 1/2 years ago, I did the same with a partner I'd been with for almost 5 years. I even relocated for my ex.

Having a scant sex life (4x TOTAL the last year we were together) was bearable for a year or two, but not a sustainable way to live. I got more and more depressed over time. It got to the point where I couldn't even see a sex scene in a movie without an emotional melt-down.

Now I have been with someone for nearly a year and the sex life is great. We are pretty evenly matched in the variety and frequency of how we like it. The intimacy is wonderful and everything I was missing with my ex.

Let me tell you from the other side, it was 100% worth it. I would do it again. But, I don't beat myself up for how long it took...you shouldn't either...it's wasted energy. My ex was a great guy in many other ways and the relationship served its purpose...he supported me through some really tough career stuff. Plus, it made things crystal clear in what I was looking for in a future partner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 11:24am
If you don't mind me asking, how long were you together, and how severe was the mismatch?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 3:41pm

He would never answer me on how often he wanted it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 3:44pm
Thank you, I really need to hear this as we live together and I tried to leave once before but he stepped it up and made me hopeful.
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 5:21pm
Much much too far apart for the relationship to work long term. Kudos to you for doing the wise, mature and loving thing. Set both of you free to find happiness. Great job!

When you see it coming, duck!

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 7:12pm

If he DOES do it again, will you be as hopeful? If he steps up his game, then I think there is a clear disconnect between his actions and what he's told you about himself in plain English. I know I would be disillusioned and call him out on it.

"Stepping up" to your level shouldn't be motivated under duress...I think it's only when we're most comfortable with someone that our true colors, and the normal rhythm of our sex drives, truly emerge.

Good luck with this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 9:14pm

He will try to step it up again because he is terrified to lose me. He has no social outlet except for me. Not my responsibility, but I think that fear motivates him to step it up.

He thinks because he is going along with it when I ask I should be happy. And maybe I should. But I told him I don't think he feels about me the way he should- meaning, I want someone to desire me sexually, not just go along with it. This may be right or wrong, but it is how I feel. He doesn't understand it. He is crying and I feel selfish. But deep down I know this is the right decision. So tough.

Your former boyfriend, did he ever understand where you were coming from?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 9:15pm
Thank you Hold for the supportive words, I really need them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 10:33pm

Yeah, fear is not the motivation I would find ideal for a sex life. Interest, enthusiasm, fun, yes...but I want someone equally interested in the activities!

My ex was nonresponsive and would shut down about any conversation concerning our sex life. The last year I would totally melt down in these convos and it seemed the only way to mildly get his attention about it. He was upset and blindsided about the breakup, but accepting. He saw the miserable marriage his parents have and knew we were headed that way if we stayed together, so he saw the wisdom in us splitting up. I was actually a bit hurt I did not get more "fight" out of him to amend things and make the r'ship last. But, all previous signs pointed to this being completely in line with his personality.

Don't worry about being selfish...if your BF has sunk all his eggs in one basket with you and has no other social outlets, that is his fault. Perhaps the breakup will be a motivator to him to seek new friends and activities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 09-18-2009 - 3:52pm

Something inspirational to me a few years ago that I thought you might enjoy/relate to:

"The Journey" by Mary Oliver

http://www.panhala.net/Archive/The_Journey.html

Pages