Ignorance and Social Pressures ......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Ignorance and Social Pressures ......
32
Sun, 02-05-2012 - 10:06am

Not to mention societal 'norms' and gross generalizations. They all add up to hog-wash like this semi-literate 'story' that some will take seriously and perhaps try and shoe-horn into their lives because it was published, so there must be some truth:

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 1:55pm

To your credit, it sounds like you are very honest with each other. That's not an easy thing, especially when I comes to sex (IMO). Its always better to deal with reality.

I really wsh you the best

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 2:05pm

I hesitated to use the word sad, it didn;pt seem to be appropriate, but I couldn;t think of anything else.

Why does Mrs. Hold want to pretend its all okay?

I left a horrible marriage after 13 years, including sex I was

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 5:41pm
No, we are not that honest about sex. We hardly ever talk about it. She hates to talk about sex. Before, during, after, or any other time. I am confident she is hiding a large part of her truth, because she fears dealing with the ramifications. That is OK, I live a fear based existence so I am not going to throw stones at her for giving in to her fear.

She has only made a few comments in 20 years about what sex is like for her. I tend to base my behavior on whatever she has said most recently. Most recently, after many occassions on which she pushed my hand away or declined when I offered oral, she said she doesn't feel anything down there. So I stopped trying to get her to feel anything. I have told her on several occassions that I would do anything she asked if she thought it might help her feel someting. So far she has not taken me up on that offer.

She does not react well when I repeat the "I don't feel anything down there" remark. I am guessing the truth is far more complex. But she doesn't want to get into a long conversation about sex. So she lets the topic drop. Rather than trying to provide a more nuanced explanation.

After 20 years, I am not willing to go to great lengths to tease the truth out of her. I am done with that game. That is part of the power trip. If there is something she wants me to know, she can tell me. I understand she is uncomfortable talking. That is her issue to resolve.

Lately I think she is consenting to sex in part to prove that she can still get me off. That is getting less and less guaranteed. I think in some way she respects me more now that she can't just lie there and expect me to do all the work myself.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Wed, 02-08-2012 - 5:50pm
Why do you stay married? Have you thought about leaving? Or are you happy tigether on other ways?
Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 1:38pm
I like living with my kids. I fear change. I doubt I could find anyone I get along with as well. Deep down I don't believe I deserve better.

This past December, Mrs. Hold went to the firm holiday party for the first time in years. One of the lawyers comments to me the next day how hot she is. Mrs. Hold said "after hearing how your wife has been battling her weight, and that she works at Weight Watchers, he didn't expect me to look like this."

Today Mrs. Hold and I ran into someone she knows. A very lovely woman, smart, good job, who works out at the gym every day, but has not been able to lose any weight. I said "that is probably who the guy at work expected me to be married to." Mrs. Hold agreed. I said something like "not that she isn't a very dear and sweet woman, and for all we know she gives her husband oral sex every night, but she isn't a knockout like you."

You should have seen the look on Mrs. Hold's face when I said the oral sex line. Such disgust. Not sure whether she objected to my being so vulgar. Or whether she is uncomfortable hearing that daily oral sex might be relevant to whether a guy is happy to be married to his wife (not that there is anything wrong with a guy who doesn't care one way or the other). But she was clearly not happy that the thought was on my radar screen.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 1:49pm

I was watching a Tony Robbins

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 2:00pm

I can completely understand about wanting to stay with the kids. I wouldn't have left my ex and taken the kids away, but he made it impossible for me to stay. Change is scary, but osmetimes it is best.

Your wife sounds like

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 3:29pm
Wait wait mol. My wife LOVES Tony Robbins. She went to one of his seminars years ago.

Are you telling me that Tony Robbins would tell her to give me more sex?!?! Then I better get another mortgage on the house and buy her some individual sessions!

Deedle, Mrs. Hold is a very lovely woman. She has an acquaintance who is going through a very tough time and she got her a birthday card and a small gift. The woman started crying. She has no SO or family nearby, and my wife was the only one who remembered, and they aren't that close.

My wife has a big heart. She loves me. She just has trouble showing it the way I wish she would. Just as I often behave in ways that don't work for her. We are both good people. We just don't see eye to eye on the 2 biggies in marriage. Which makes it harder than it might otherwise be.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 02-09-2012 - 4:38pm

LOL, ha ve you booked the trip to see Tony R yet?

Y'all are lucky to have each other, its a shame that this is a difficult situation for you both to deal with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2009
Fri, 02-10-2012 - 3:51am

Hold, no need for the mortgage, she can view this online for free (with registration).