I'm HL is he???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2008
I'm HL is he???
4
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 1:22pm

Hi, I just found your message board, so I hope some of you will help me out on my questions? A little into my background first though. I was married for 24 years, hated sex ( I guess that made me LL), I was not happy in my marriage. Two years ago, I met this man, who I am now engaged to and living with. I love sex now, and can't seem to have enough of it with him. (So, I guess that makes me HL now). Here is my question, I'm not sure if he is HL or LL. We have sex only about once a week, but I know for certain that he masturbates FREQUENTLY. It isn't like I don't make moves, or forwardly tell him I am in the mood. He usually comes up with an excuse, doesn't feel well, falls asleep or something. Good example is Thursday, he had not worked, so I knew he wasn't tired, we were out having dinner and I started letting him know how much I wanted him. We came home, cuddled and kissed (which never arouses him, it takes physical stimulation), but sex never happened. He didn't seem interested. Friday morning I left for work, came home and found evidence of his masturbation session again. It isn't porno, he just sometimes forgets to pick up his soiled evidence. He seems to thoroughly enjoy masturbation, and I wouldn't mind if he were doing it in addition to having sex with me, but he is doing it INSTEAD of having sex with me. When we do have sex, 99% of the time, he can't cum without fantasizing about me being with someone and catching me at it. Maybe I am over-analyzing this too much, but he talks sex, masturbates alot and I am just confused. Is he HL or LL and do any of you think this is weird behavior if he really loves me?

I would appreciate any of your replies, I am seriously questioning marriage with him, because I can't imagine it would get any better, only worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 2:17pm

"Is he HL or LL and do any of you think this is weird behavior if he really loves me?"


Love and sex are two completely different animals.

Avatar for holdingontoit
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 10:08am

I am not sure if your situation depends as much on his libido, which he seems to have plenty of, as on his willingness to direct that libido toward partner sex as opposed to maturbation.


Desire for masturbation is not always the same as desire for partner sex.

When you see it coming, duck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 8:20pm
Thanks for the reply. You wrote, " Love and sex are two completely different animals." I am not contradicting what you say at all, so please don't take it that way. But, I seem to have a problem separating the two. With my ex, I loved sex in the beginning, I loved him. He changed, became an abusive person to me, so then I hated sex. It actually made me feel sick and I didn't think I would ever have a desire for another man. Sex was not important to me. When I met this man, I fell in love with him, and thoroughly enjoy every moment of close physical contact with him. I desire it again. So, in my personal situation, the HL, LL phase seems to be linked to emotion. I think that is why I feel like he can't love me if he doesn't have that same desire. I made excuses all the time with my ex, and now I feel like I am getting that same treatment from my future DH.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2008
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 8:39pm
Hi, thanks for the reply. I could understand performance anxiety, if I felt like I put any kind of stress on him about his performance. I am quite the opposite, in the two years we have been together, the only thing I can remember asking him for are more touches. In the beginning he barely touched me, he seemed to enjoy getting all the attention. That includes orally also. I can remember only one time (in the beginning of our relationship) that he ever gave oral sex...but he doesn't mind asking to receive it. In fact he doesn't use his mouth anywhere on my body, other than to kiss me, and he doesn't seem to mind doing that. Not once have I ever questioned him about not giving me oral sex. I know that it has nothing to do with hygiene, I am a very conscious person about that. The only thing he could have been stressed about in the beginning was the fact that he sometimes couldn't keep an erection. I never complained, only told him it was okay, and took extra time to stimulate him again. After the first couple of months of sex together that problem seemed to have disappeared. He keeps an erection very well now. I do feel like he is HL, I just wish he would direct it more to me, not just himself.